Thank you so much, Snodderly. I really needed your words of wisdom. I will carry on today remembering that I'm where I'm supposed to be in this process and in time I will be whole.
I accept that I can't control the outcome of my sitch. My H is adamant that he wants a D. I also know I will be fine on my own. But it's still not what I want for me or my kids. I'm hanging on to the dream of an intact family. I very much want a miracle, but not living my life waiting for one. I feel deserving of a good life and I know that I am good enough. M H has acknowledged that to some degree, so why would he choose to invest his time and energy into a new person instead of working on the relationship and family that he was so blessed to have? Really, what has he gained? He's never said. I've only heard the spew.
I have no contact with my H for my own sanity and preservation. I know I can't continue to listen to all the blame and validate. I do matter, not to him, but to me so I won't allow him to mistreat me with his words. He still seems angry, bitter and resentful, but he doesn't seem clear about the reasons. If he really thought I was the cause of the D then I don't understand why at times he has told me that I'm wonderful and didn't deserve any of this. What does he want back from me when he says this? Is he testing, feeling guilty, having clarity?
The D will likely be final this summer, but I'm not feeling done. I'm ready for the draining legal process to be over though. Why don't I hate him for putting me and the boys through this? That would seem like a more natural emotional response to the pain. I just don't feel that. I can't say I feel compassion, but something's there and it's confusing.
I think that many of us here would relate totally to what you are saying. Even in the spew, my xh al s admitted that iwas wonderful.
At one point he sad that he was happy but it wasn't what he wanted any more.
Honestly, it is impossible to understand them. Even this last go round with my xh and his wonderful kids - he wrote to my eldest son that he was proud of them. To which my son replied saying that he would like to be proud of his father but wasn't.
They do not understand/want to understand what is going on and figuring it out is apparently too painful for them.
They run and think they can hide, and when they do peek out they try and sneak back in through the back door hoping no-one will notice or comment on their truly horrible behaviour.
Compassion - up to a point for anyone who is such a mess, but ultimately in life we have to put on grown up pants and deal with the messes that we have made. No-one else is going to ge it for us.
Someone very wise who no longer posts here said that MLCers are selfish, lazy and entitled. Hold onto that thought. Damaged also, and sad, but we all have the choice to do the right thing or not.
Initially they are out of control, but several years down the line I have come to the view that they have an obligation to us and to themselves to deal with what they have done or stay away. This half in and half out of our lives that they seem to want is unnecessary and painful.
Thanks so much for your reply, Bea. I agree with everything you wrote. My H doesn't see anything wrong with what he's done. In fact, he said that 50% of marriages end in D so why is he the bad guy? He actually said that to the boys. He doesn't feel they are justified to feel hurt and angry. His statistic is skewed. Half of long term marriages don't end. More importantly, there are a lot of people, children, that are badly hurt by D. He threw around that statistic for months as if the children involved just went on, unscathed by what had happened.
The person my H has become is someone he would have been appauled by years ago when our family meant everything to him. "Selfish, lazy and entitled" definitely describes him now. I wonder who he spews to. Who are the enablers in his life? What are they getting from him? They can't possibly care about him, our family or our children.
Until responsibility is taken and the hurtful behavior is changed I will remain NC. I have far less drama. The D process is upsetting, but it won't last forever.
I'll never understand why MLCers have to be so hurtful and destructive. If they think we're so wonderful than why don't they just act fairly and civilly? Why are the compliments followed up by vengeful behavior? I just want to be left alone. The D isn't what I wanted, but I haven't hindered he process. I just want what's fair and what I need to provide for the boys and rebuild my life.
I'm severely lacking in patience. I have had a nagging feeling for months that my life is not working and I need to do something to change it? Maybe a crisis? I'm tired of keeping everything together at work and home. I am completely depleted. I'm feeling resentful. I want to restore some balance, but any time I take for myself is time away from my boys. I'm all they have now, so when I'm not here they feel neglected.
I'm tired of the D. It's been an incredible waste of money and I don't know if there's an end in sight. I don't want to discuss it anymore. I done negotiating. I'm just done.
I'm tired of the single parent routine. This isn't what I wanted. My life doesn't seem to matter. I'm just here serving everyone else.
Why am I working so hard? My paycheck doesn't give me financial freedom. I'm still dependent on my H. I absolutely hate that.
I'm exhausted and feel completely hopeless. I just don't want this anymore.
Hi, I believe that many of us are suffering (among other things) from a form of PTSD. What our partners did was usually out of the blue and deeply traumatizing to us. We then have to carry the family - if they are young we have most of the work, if older, our MLC partners often stop most if not all financial aid
Of course you are exhausted. Your xh has a moral and legal obligation to support his family and your contribution as the primary care give. Do not feel bad about needing this.
The good news is that it gets better - honestly. Your children are growing up, and are able to help more. their own distress moves forward (although I know few people who ever get over being abandoned by a parent. The scars are long and lasting, and abandonment is far more serious than most people realise)
Part of the internal journey is to learn how to take time for yourself while being there for your kids. It is a great thing to learn - it has helped me through hospital stays and other difficult situations.
What you are going through is just awful but you will survive
GM everything you just wrote is exactly how I feel. Word for word. I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better but just know that you aren't alone out there. We are here for you.
