I'm feel flat today. I met with my attorney yesterday to discuss my counter-offer. I am so done with this. It doesn't feel good to be battling with the father of my children. How did we get here? How can he tell me that I'm a wonderful person one minute and try and screw me in the D the next? Is thus the ultimate in compartmentalization? I just want to be secure and raise my kids.
My life just isn't working right now. I have stress in too many areas.
I'm having one of those days where my heart just hurts over all that has happened. I miss my family. I feel so bad for my kids. I'm having a hard time letting go completely. I find that deep inside I still want to be loved by my H. I don't share those feelings because people would wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I've gone over this in my mind for months. I've prayed about it. Is there something wrong with me or do I truly love my H no matter what? I do believe it would be easier to move on, but I can't picture doing it. I just don't see someone else in my H's place, in my heart or in my physical world.
Here's part of an email my attorney received from my H regarding the latest offer presented by his attorney:
"It would be better if you contacted me immediately and directly to answer questions and perhaps discuss minor changes if necessary. I do not want to spend weeks of back and forth phone calls between the parties to get answers that we may be able to hash out immediately tonight."
First of all, he has an attorney. It is inappropriate for him to contact mine. He's been doing this for months. She doesn't respond to him. Instead she forwards the emails to his attorney. It's clear he's trying to save money on his end, but he's fine with continuing to rack up my legal fees. Also, I thought it was strange to refer to "the parties." He IS one of the parties. He's not the attorney.
He's delusional. I ignored his latest offer. It needs a lot more than "minor" changes. He still doesn't seem to understand that this agreement will decide custody/visitation, the house, my income for the next decade, at least, and a lot of other things. It's a big deal. Along with it, we will also be terminating our marriage by stipulation which doesn't seem to bother him in the least.
If we can't reach a settlement than we will have a hearing this summer regarding bifurcation and a trial much later. I do believe we can settle this, but I will hold out for what's fair. My H seems to be in much more of a hurry.
I'm amazed how he compartmentalizes. He never mentions the boys. I would be frantic if I walked out on my kids and had only seen them a few times in a year and a half. Does the passage of time just not register? How can his mind be so preoccupied with other things that the boys are no longer in the forefront? I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. Someone, please explain this to me.
Oh jeez GM. You could have put those words in my H's mouth almost verbatim. H has been contacting my attorney directly too. And now he's contacting the GAL directly.
I wish I had words of advice for you. I don't understand it myself. I wish I had the answers. And an easy button.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
My H told me that I'm a great mom and that the boys belong with me full time. I thought, how convenient. But maybe he believes he can't give them what they need and I can. It's so hard to know. I can't possibly give the boys what two committed and loving parents can give. How can he not see that? At the end of his life, I would think that loving and guiding his children and providing for and protecting his family would be his greatest accomplishment. No matter what else he accomplishes it won't make up for running out on his kids.
Despite everything that has happened and all that H coninues to do I have had more loving feelings surface lately. The anger just isn't there anymore, except for temporary bursts of frustration. I'm confused by this. Is this how it feels to heal? I also feel like I'm still hanging on, hoping for a miracle, but not really believing anything will change.
See that is where our sitchs are different. H is really putting on a show to prI've is just as capable as me. If course, none of this started until last Thanksgiving when he was trying to set a precedent.
In one token I am glad he is taking interest in the kids. On the other token I don't believe it's genuine.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
My kids pain held me back for a while in terms of moving forward but in the past few days I feel better about my kids being okay after all this.
We cant control what our ex's do but we can control how we raise and care for our kids. We can show them that their is another way to conduct themselves.
This is on ideal but I know they will face much worse in their lifetime.
My kids also inspire me to be happy because I look forward to watching them have so many glorious moments to come, from graduations to proms to college to marriage. I want to be there for all these events and be happy not bitter.
Our emotions travel in waves and these negative feelings will pass. You are doing the right thing protecting you and the kids legally and financially.
stay positive even if you have to fake it till you make it
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
How long does it take to make one's soul whole again? I feel like I'm so far from where I want to be. I still feel sad. I still cry. I still feel disconnected.
I'm busy working, raising the boys and maintaining my home. Slowly, I'm starting to add interests back in. I've scheduled a tennis match this week with the hope that I will start playing competitively again. I've missed two seasons and lost my rating so it will take some work to get back to where I was. I'm thinking about joining my golf league again too. I will have to re-establish my handicap since I've been away for awhile. I've been working in my garden, planting flowers, even though I still don't know if I will be keeping my home.
I'm trying to get beyond the pain and emptiness, but it's hard. All of my interests and hobbies just don't matter as much anymore. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired and worn out from the D or if I'm still overwhelmed with all that I have to take care of by myself.
I guess I'm still between sadness and acceptance in the grief cycle. I can tell this will be the longest part of healing. I do feel content and happy a lot, but with an undercurrent of emptiness. Something, someone is still missing.
golf mom, Each person's healing time is different. You are in mourning and yes, you are overwhelmed w/all that has transpired. It will take you some time to get your footing again, but you are well on the way of doing so.
Setting up a tennis match is a start. Take each day as it comes and do not look too far into the future. Gardening can soothe the soul and it sounds like you've been busy planting flowers, etc. Work through the pain and know that you will become stronger for doing so.
Give yourself a break...you've had a rough year or so and it's going to take some time for your interests and hobbies to matter once again. Trust me, they will. Your focus has been on your h for a long time and his behavior and that will take the wind out of our sails because it's exhausting and frustrating dealing w/MLC each and every day, minute by minute. Once the dust settles and life begins anew, the world will look different and you will find that life is waiting for you w/open arms.
Golf Mom, you are right where you are suppose to be at this time. Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
