A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

Is it even possible to DB when you are in the middle of a D?


The deeper I get into my own D process, the more convinced I get that it is impossible to do so - or at least that is how it feels in my case.
How can you ever DB or improve your R with your S when there is zero trust from either end?

For the last two years, my H has distrusted me for not wanting to agree to 50/50 custody short-term. (We currently have a 65/35 split). He does not believe I am thinking of the kids' well-being when I want to follow the advice of three therapists (one being the counselor we saw together), who said the kids were too young for it. These experts said that a week at a time away from either parent would be too much and that the constant back and forth every two or three days in an alternating schedule would bring too much instability for them. They also said that particularly with my S (he wasn't even born when H left), that it was better for him to have the stability of being with his mother... My H argues that nothing can ever be better for the kids than 50/50 and feels betrayed and hurt that I don't agree with him on this.

I had told my H that I am fully committed to going to a 50/50 split when S2 enters elementary school. He will have none of that.

He truly believes I just want to take the kids away and that I am driven by anger and vindictiveness. So every interaction, every exchange, every difference of opinion re. any time each of us spends with the kids creates problems and fills him with hurt and anger. For instance, H wanted to have the kids during my custody time for a family gathering two weeks ago... I already had plans. He thought I was lying. After he realized I wasn't he then complained of the "crumbs" of custody time he is currently getting. I eventually cancelled my plans. H then accused me of not showing flexibility until the damage was done...

In the end, H judges everything I do or say thru the lens of me just wanting to take the kids away from him and not being fair to him. I have accepted that nothing I do or say will change that perspective, so I stopped trying to prove otherwise a long time ago. And so the divide between us becomes greater and greater.

On the flip side, I don't trust my H's intentions when it comes to finances. I have been wanting to believe since our separation began that he does not want to fight me about money, that he will be responsible about finances and that his decisions will be motivated by the desire to provide the best possible for the kids. I had wanted to believe that after 18 years together, he'd be fair about our D bbased on the laws of our state... His actions for the last two years seem to indicate otherwise, yet he swears there is no vindictiveness or ill-will from his part and seems to be shocked and hurt by my distrust.

So all my thoughts and actions are tainted by this underlying fear that he will screw me financially. Not because he wants to be vindictive, but simply because he is thinking about his own financial interests which at this point are directly opposite to mine. I want to trust him, yet everyone tells me (and I agree) that I cannot take the chance - the stakes are too high when you are in the middle of a D and a bad decision now could haunt me and my kids' well-being for years to come.

So how do you overcome these very real obstacles? How do you even try to build even a basic, harmonious co-parenting R when we just see each other as out to screw the other one???

How can there ever be any hope for any goodwill, any progress and much less, any R rebuilding?

It's not like I am in total despair about the situation. I think enough time has passed (over 2 years separated now) that I can more clearly see the big picture of where things are with my M and impending D. These thoughts and questions bring sadness for sure. Yet I have reached a level of resignation about what is that has me calmly moving forward bracing myself for more junk during this D process.

I guess I ask because I judge my behaviors based on a standard of trying to be kind and do the right thing. So when the distrust comes into play, I do feel guilty that perhaps I am judging my H unfairly, that perhaps I should just continue being kind and trusting, because that is the person I want to be - regardless of my H's motivations and actions... Yet, I also think about my kids. I believe I have a responsibility and moral obligation to think about their well-being first - and that perhaps being distrustful and overly cautious during this D process is the right thing to do - for them...

In the end, and no matter what the end result is, this D process is just filled with unpleasantness, gunk and hurt and perhaps it's just better to surrender to the realization that no positives or progress will take place until the D is finalized...

any thoughts?