BF - thanks! I will be wondering about the joke... I start working in 2 weeks
Grace - You are amazing. Always introspective, always trying to become a better you... YOU inspire me!
Journal Had another great day today.
This morning I created a new killer spreadsheet with some budget / expense projections and plans. I love to crunch numbers and keep track of things; and with this document, I will know exactly where each penny of my money is going. I know - it's really geekish, lol...
I then decided to give yoga a try. My vertigo was not completely gone but the instructor focused on Hatha yoga with mostly flexibility poses. It turned out to be just what I needed!
I then went to buy a new vacuum cleaner and came home and vacuumed for like an hour and then did a deep steam cleaning. My carpets look like new - I love having a clean house! (Which will last for exactly two days before the girls spill something or S2 drops his cheerios - lol...)
While I was shopping H texted me to share something cute the girls were doing. That was the first time he initiates a text in who knows how long. We had a nice and friendly exchange and at the end he asked if I wanted to come over to swim with him and the kids. I thanked him but declined telling him I already had plans and told him to have a blast with the kids.
I was surprised by the interaction and invitation, but I don't read anything more to it than it being just that - a nice interaction. I hope we can have more of those in the future, but don't hold my breath. Besides, his L should be getting the agreement doc. tomorrow from my L and I think H will not be happy then.
After the exchange, I was able to put those thoughts aside and continue enjoying my day. I went to mass with my dad and my sister and enjoyed a nice, peaceful time with them. I then went grocery shopping to be ready for the week.
Time to get some rest now... I am looking forward to having my kids back tomorrow!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Do you remember the song "Walking in Sunshine"? Yes, the one by Katrina and the Waves. Some days are just like that, no matter what you're doing.
(I used to have spreadsheets for every eventuality so I get your excitement. It became obsessive for me. Now I just do very basic planning. Wonder if there's an excel 12-step group?)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You sound so good KG!! I am so so so happy to read it. It is shining through your post.
And hey I love excel.....oh well.. :-)
Very happy for you KG. Very happy indeed ((((((((())))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Love the posts.... not so much the spread sheets...have to ask my kids to translate.
But I'm much less worried for you. Feeling inspired and pleased with how well you are doing. Truly.
Interesting about the invite...best not to read into it b/c like you said, the party will be over when he gets the legal documents. Then again, this will be maybe the first time YOU have moved in any way towards resolving things and moving them along. That's new for you, to HIM, anyhow.
Still can't believe he was surprised you were hurt. BUT never mind him!! It's all about YOU time... the new job will help your PMA big time even if comes with stress. Which it will.
But guess what else is stressful? Divorce...and or not knowing how to pay rent...
anyhow,
what's up with the vertigo? First thought is you're dehydrated...second thought is, well, .....
wth?
((((( )))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wanted to tell you how great going back to work has been for me. It is very hard being away from the kids but mine seem to be doing okay since their routine has not changed much.
I find myself really excelling on the job because of the skills I have learned on these boards and through Alanon. I am a better listener, I am not reactionary.
I was scared about going back because I thought the new me would be too wimpy to deal with my crazy boss' but in fact the new me handles it better.
I am also able to juggle the working mom stuff so much better now that I am better
Take care of yourself so you can take care of them
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
it's not wimpy to NOT reactionary...it's a strength that comes from calm reflection.
Being reflective BEFORE we act or speak, means knowing our words and actions are Intentional, coming from a place of more certainty...
which greatly lowers the risk of escalation.
Because we are clearer, and calmer, we come across much more effectively and our boundaries are clearer, which helps everyone out in the long run.
best of luck ladies!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Is it even possible to DB when you are in the middle of a D?
The deeper I get into my own D process, the more convinced I get that it is impossible to do so - or at least that is how it feels in my case. How can you ever DB or improve your R with your S when there is zero trust from either end?
For the last two years, my H has distrusted me for not wanting to agree to 50/50 custody short-term. (We currently have a 65/35 split). He does not believe I am thinking of the kids' well-being when I want to follow the advice of three therapists (one being the counselor we saw together), who said the kids were too young for it. These experts said that a week at a time away from either parent would be too much and that the constant back and forth every two or three days in an alternating schedule would bring too much instability for them. They also said that particularly with my S (he wasn't even born when H left), that it was better for him to have the stability of being with his mother... My H argues that nothing can ever be better for the kids than 50/50 and feels betrayed and hurt that I don't agree with him on this.
I had told my H that I am fully committed to going to a 50/50 split when S2 enters elementary school. He will have none of that.
He truly believes I just want to take the kids away and that I am driven by anger and vindictiveness. So every interaction, every exchange, every difference of opinion re. any time each of us spends with the kids creates problems and fills him with hurt and anger. For instance, H wanted to have the kids during my custody time for a family gathering two weeks ago... I already had plans. He thought I was lying. After he realized I wasn't he then complained of the "crumbs" of custody time he is currently getting. I eventually cancelled my plans. H then accused me of not showing flexibility until the damage was done...
In the end, H judges everything I do or say thru the lens of me just wanting to take the kids away from him and not being fair to him. I have accepted that nothing I do or say will change that perspective, so I stopped trying to prove otherwise a long time ago. And so the divide between us becomes greater and greater.
On the flip side, I don't trust my H's intentions when it comes to finances. I have been wanting to believe since our separation began that he does not want to fight me about money, that he will be responsible about finances and that his decisions will be motivated by the desire to provide the best possible for the kids. I had wanted to believe that after 18 years together, he'd be fair about our D bbased on the laws of our state... His actions for the last two years seem to indicate otherwise, yet he swears there is no vindictiveness or ill-will from his part and seems to be shocked and hurt by my distrust.
So all my thoughts and actions are tainted by this underlying fear that he will screw me financially. Not because he wants to be vindictive, but simply because he is thinking about his own financial interests which at this point are directly opposite to mine. I want to trust him, yet everyone tells me (and I agree) that I cannot take the chance - the stakes are too high when you are in the middle of a D and a bad decision now could haunt me and my kids' well-being for years to come.
So how do you overcome these very real obstacles? How do you even try to build even a basic, harmonious co-parenting R when we just see each other as out to screw the other one???
How can there ever be any hope for any goodwill, any progress and much less, any R rebuilding?
It's not like I am in total despair about the situation. I think enough time has passed (over 2 years separated now) that I can more clearly see the big picture of where things are with my M and impending D. These thoughts and questions bring sadness for sure. Yet I have reached a level of resignation about what is that has me calmly moving forward bracing myself for more junk during this D process.
I guess I ask because I judge my behaviors based on a standard of trying to be kind and do the right thing. So when the distrust comes into play, I do feel guilty that perhaps I am judging my H unfairly, that perhaps I should just continue being kind and trusting, because that is the person I want to be - regardless of my H's motivations and actions... Yet, I also think about my kids. I believe I have a responsibility and moral obligation to think about their well-being first - and that perhaps being distrustful and overly cautious during this D process is the right thing to do - for them...
In the end, and no matter what the end result is, this D process is just filled with unpleasantness, gunk and hurt and perhaps it's just better to surrender to the realization that no positives or progress will take place until the D is finalized...
any thoughts?
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
