Letting Go & Moving Forward 2

[littleGTO]

RUBY! LOL!!!

Good weekend, overall, I think.

FIL came to see S's games & he & I got to talk a lot during S9's game as H coaches. However, H was standing nearby listening in on some of our convo.

I invited FIL to my party next weekend. He is pondering coming. When I asked him I could see H visually tense up. H later asked why I invited FIL w/o first consulting w him. WTF? I didn't really know how to respond.

H's concern is that he is really torn about whether or not he should come to the party. I told him not to stress about it, that he is welcome to come but not to worry if he chooses not to.

I actually am a little amused at his squirming about this decision. (Feels like my choice at having this party is affecting him....hmmmmmmmmmm...table's turned?)

Anyway, went to S9's soccer game today & H came. He said he wasn't going to come to the house today as he knew that I needed my space from him sometimes. (Very interesting that he is respecting the boundary I set 2 weeks ago for the first time -- no visiting house on weekends.)

He did come to the house yesterday to help get our boat ready for the season.

Okay, the boat. He said in a recent conversation that he assumed we would "share" the boat this summer--both take it out at different times with the boys.

This requires him to drop it in for me AND come get me to trailor out. He said he's willing to do this. I don't like being dependant on him.

Here's my angst...I do NOT want OW to be on OUR boat! EVER. I'd rather sell the boat. It will be tainted for me.

I know this is an immature, jealousy-based reaction, but how do I approach this w H. I am very serious that she NOT be allowed on the boat.

Now I am pretty sure he wouldn't take boys and her out (as he has agreed not to have her around boys at all right now), but I am not sure he wouldn't just go out on boat w her alone. I don't trust him.

BUt, I do want to know if he does or intends to, as I will have to talk to him about my feelings about this.

I know this isn't good DBING...I shouldn't care, detach. But, the boat was SPECIAL to us as a family. It was forced family time--all 5 of us for good or bad. But, it was also relaxation, fun water sports, a day of sun and swimming...all those things will NOT be if I know she's been on the boat.

I'm sorry to feel so strongly about it, but I just do. HELP!
What to do/ not do???

[labug]

Why are you sorry you feel strongly about it? This isn't about not feeling things, but rather feeling them, not reacting from them and then letting them pass.

I think I would feel much as you do.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug, for your empathy.

The past couple of nights I've reverted back to being sad at bedtime. Just sad for the whole situation. Self pity, I know. But, also sad for my family-the boys.

Yesterday I called H in the middle of the day (the first day he respected my boundaries about no visits on the weekends at the house) to ask about tying up some cardboard on our deck for recycling (well, that was my excuse for calling).

He was polite but clearly was not interested in chit-chat. I was and tried to bring up a few light topics before we hung up. I didn't linger too long (at least I didn't think I did), but I was sad when we hung up.

It felt like this weight on my shoulders...then tears. Those darn expectations. I know I shouldn't have called. Next time I will know better.

I'm actually hoping H decides NOT to come to our party this weekend. I think he will be uncomfortable and more importantly SO WILL I. I don't want to disuade him, but I really will be far more stressed if he is there.

Plus, I don't want him to think I expect anything from him (hosting, etc). I don't.

I've decided if there are people who ask where he is (as there will be many people who think we are still together) I will just answer "He's not here."

Do you think I should answer, "We are separated," instead. After all I don't want them to think he just went to get ice or something.

AND, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to DRINK much. I get HIGHLY EMOTIONAL when I drink. It would not be a pretty sight!

Any advice, other than to just relax, enjoy and have fun with the people who are there b/c I invited them?

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug, for your empathy.

The past couple of nights I've reverted back to being sad at bedtime. Just sad for the whole situation. Self pity, I know. But, also sad for my family-the boys.

Yesterday I called H in the middle of the day (the first day he respected my boundaries about no visits on the weekends at the house) to ask about tying up some cardboard on our deck for recycling (well, that was my excuse for calling).

He was polite but clearly was not interested in chit-chat. I was and tried to bring up a few light topics before we hung up. I didn't linger too long (at least I didn't think I did), but I was sad when we hung up.

It felt like this weight on my shoulders...then tears. Those darn expectations. I know I shouldn't have called. Next time I will know better.

I'm actually hoping H decides NOT to come to our party this weekend. I think he will be uncomfortable and more importantly SO WILL I. I don't want to disuade him, but I really will be far more stressed if he is there.

Plus, I don't want him to think I expect anything from him (hosting, etc). I don't.

I've decided if there are people who ask where he is (as there will be many people who think we are still together) I will just answer "He's not here."

Do you think I should answer, "We are separated," instead. After all I don't want them to think he just went to get ice or something.

AND, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to DRINK much. I get HIGHLY EMOTIONAL when I drink. It would not be a pretty sight!

Any advice, other than to just relax, enjoy and have fun with the people who are there b/c I invited them?

[JuneReN]

Okay...can you answer "We have separated" and put up, at the party, with the sympathy and the faces? I had a tough time not crying the first while lol!!


So, think about that. Maybe "H isn't here, I am throwing this awesome bash solo, which reminds me, I meant to ___________ "(insert small task here, so you can run away or assign a task to escape)...if you don't think you can handle the "I'm so sorry..."

The boat....there were places I told H he could not bring exOW, because of the memories. So you have a few choices:

Tell H how you feel. He will respect it or not.

Sell boat

Let it go. Your memories are yours. You create new ones for you and the boys. Also I suggest learning the trailer and drop from H so you can do it yourself . Also the boys can help.

[Tallula]

GTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, lady!

The boat. I would totally feel how you do. I often question places my H may have taken OW, but when it comes down to it...none of my business. IMO, I would not set that boundary. I know, that [censored]. My biggest sticking point has been no OW around the kids. No calling, texting OW infront of me. Even with these things, I have no control over what he does. I know it suxs. It suxs BAD! But, if you do decide to tell him this, make sure its when you are less emotional.

The party- What KILLS ME... "pity face". I want to smack "pity face". We had a surprise party for my parents anniversary a few weeks ago. My mom got all wasted and keep giving me "pity face" coupled with "pity arm touch". Then...her friends started with "pity face". It's the worst! "Oh look at poor, pregnant, Tallula. :in unison: SOOOOO SAD!!" Umm....punch to the throat! Hahaha. Anywho, this is not the time or place you want to tell people about this. So, I'd say H had other plans and you decided to throw the party. End of story. This is suppose to be fun for you, have fun!!! Also, you can uninvite H. You can. This is for YOU!

Totally off topic...I overuse exclamation points. But, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee...weeeeeeeeeee

[2chiquitos]

I feel the same way. H took OW to Mazatlan. We have time share there and he loves going. That's where his parents vacation twice a year. BUT LIKE H3LL I'M NOT GOING!! I found pictures of the trip. Pictures where WE had posed! Pictures of them kissing and it just put up a HUGE TALL THICK WALL at the thought of vacationing there EVER again.

Yes, I realize I also sound like a child but it's about progress not perfection and I'm not ready to work on this just yet.

[JuneReN]

Oh...the pity touch...I HATE that one...lol!!!

Totally agree with the places thing, but again, I had to let it go to survive

[PatientMan]

littleGTO,

How are you doing?

-PM

[littleGTO]

Hi, all!

I took a little break from here to throw an awesome PAR-TAY!!! It was A LOT of fun! Had about 45 people in and out all day. The weather wasn't the best but good enough for all the kids to be outside all day! (They had a blast as well!)

Only 2 people even asked me where H was (He told me the day before he assumed I realized that he wouldn't be coming...I told him I didn't assume anything, but that was he decision.) My answer to the Q was, "He isn't going to be here today."

When I didn't follow that up w more detail both people who asked just let it go. And, that was about it for conversation concerning H all day/night long!

A few different men stepped up and asked if I wanted help with grill duty which I gladly accepted (so I could socialize, of course). And, I really didn't stress about anything that day.

I did have a little too much to drink, but I just laughed a lot (wow, I didn't cry!) and I was far more talkative and animated than usual, I think (at least that is what a friend told me the next day).

My next door neighbor (D dad of a 3 yr boy) showed up & I dare say I actually flirted w him a bit! He texted me the night before that he wouldn't be able to come, so I texted him back that I'm sure I'd see him out and about this summer then signed the email - my name & boys. Well, then he showed up.

It felt, well, strange to be flirting w another guy (very innocent). Plus, this guy is WAY younger than me (but very cute). I guess it gave me some self-confidence that I will be okay and that yes, I can still show a flirty side & that someone else will reciprocate!

Anyway, the next morning H showed up early and started helping to clean up but hurt his back (doing virtually nothing), so he was lying flat out on the couch telling me over and over that he wanted to help me clean up.

He said he was in a very bad place and this whole party thing stressed me out. He wanted to know who came and what I told them about him not being there. While I know I didn't owe him any explanation I decided to be open w him, as I felt like I handled the few questions about him well.

He just doesn't get that this party wasn't AT ALL about him! It was about ME MOVING ON!

After about 15 minutes and him saying over and over that he just couldn't hang out here all day he left. I asked him if he wanted to see the boys and he said "no" he just needed to be alone and "think about things."

I did call him later in the day to check on him and he said he was "laying out in the sun reading a book his C recommended." I was shocked a bit. In all the years I've known H he has probably only read ONE other book!

Also, he has been seeing C more lately.

Not sure what's going on but he definitely doesn't seem HAPPY. Imagine that--he's on his own, w OW on the side (maybe????) and he's still not happy. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, maybe it wasn't all me!

Anyway I tried not to get caught up in his depression after the high I had from my party.

Any thoughts about H's lack of happiness and his stress over this party I had???