Oh one more thing on the issuing the reality check waking them up: you need to be sure you are 100% done. Because it may not wake her up. It may push her down the path of never coming back to you. I think LBS get to the point they are done and they are ready for the relationship to be over. They issue the reality check because it is genuinely how they feel. They are ready to divorce. They expect divorce. And perhaps it is then that the MLCer does realize this is real and tries to turn the spouse back, and the spouses heart softens. The LBS likely goes through a lot to get to that point and the MLcer sees it. I think in some cases the MLCer may even suspect it's coming. The problem is if you do this to manipulate your spouse into having that reaction, she may not. She may be at the point in her journey where she wants to walk away and you've now given her the relief to do so, guilt free, because it's what you said you want.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hi Raine! Thanks so much for the advice, and for stopping by. You made some really valid points regarding the letter, which has me reconsidering using that medium on Reality Day.
I too, believe in writing and not sending. I had a post for this thread all written up that I never submitted. Now am glad I didn't! (don't ask, cause I won't tell!)
Also, as for "being done". As everyone can see in my previous posts, I was pretty certain I was almost there... but now not so much. I'm normally an extremely calm and steady guy, even in the most turbulent of situations, so my reactions to recent emotions and events can't be my fault! I'm blaming it on the MLC roller coaster.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
so my reactions to recent emotions and events can't be my fault! I'm blaming it on the MLC roller coaster. grin
Just dropping a wee bit of philosophical juju on you...
Quote:
"Events don't disturb us; it's the attitudes we take toward events that disturb us. For example, death isn't terrible, or it would have seemed that way to Socrates; it's the idea that death is terrible that's terrible. So when we're hindered or disturbed or saddened, let's not blame others but rather our own opinions. It's the ignorant person who blames others for her or his troubles, the person with a little training who blames only herself or himself, and the well-instructed person who blames no one. " --modern rendering of the Enchiridion of Epictetus
and:
Quote:
The greatest prayer is patience--Buddha
These are things I use to keep myself on track...
Hang in there, and yes, Raine is right... I sometimes regret my email to W with my truth darts...but only sometimes, and for the reason she said.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY, I think I am in agreement on the letter. You cant take it back. And it can be used in the future however she wants to.
I also think that they can sense a shift in us. Though she might not understand exactly what it is she's feeling. That might be the reason why she is warming up.
Feelings are ever changing depending on many things.
I think you are ready for a shift in some way as limbo can be exasperating at times.
I can also tell that you are calm and steady, I am the same way. But even we can have days when we get affected by stuff,right?
Still no R talks, bear pokes or Reality Jabs over here. W's warm up continues. I do believe this is due to her sensing something is/was up with me.
Today she was informing me of her iPad/facebook interactions even more than usual. So and so said this/is doing that, etc. It seems her and her friends post every little thing they do, and comment on everyone else's posts.
She's always told me of a few postings here or there, but today it was way more. She even gave me an update on Pepe, the guy her and GF hung out with in the hot tub at resort one day!
Then, when we were at the coffee shop together, she made a point to tell me she was posting that we were enjoying double espresso's outside in the beautiful weather.
???
We've been talking about the car thing too, which is going as well.
Friday night W went out with my lil sis for drinks. They called me from the pub just to tell me stuff that could have waited, which was also unusual.
???
Now my cold alien is an alien.
I really think that we can make it, but the waiting is the hardest part.
I remain convinced that there isn't someone else. She likes me, why can't she love me?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't remember the details of your Truth email to W, but I remember I liked it. I'll have to go back and re-read it.
That reminds me of that popular Dean Martin song...
"Everybody's Done with Somebody Sometime..."
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
FY, I think I am in agreement on the letter. You cant take it back. And it can be used in the future however she wants to.
I also think that they can sense a shift in us. Though she might not understand exactly what it is she's feeling. That might be the reason why she is warming up.
Feelings are ever changing depending on many things.
Good points regarding the letter UR, and yes, it appears she has sensed a shift. Let's see where it leads. Thanks so much for your continued wisdom!
Quote:
I think you are ready for a shift in some way as limbo can be exasperating at times.
So you're saying now's the time to let her have it? heehee!
Seriously, as much as she has hurt me, I really don't want to hurt her. I know this is not her fault, and she's dealing with her pain as best she can.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
If your W is going back to the teenage time like my H did -- well, she is doing the kinds of things I did as a teenager -- hang out with the girls.
You might think of it as something she has to get out of her system. It obviously is going to take her much longer than you want it to!
I hear your frustration. I have it too, I'll post some about mine on my thread. It does look like you are getting great advice and listening to it too
Just wanted you to know I'm in the cheerleading section!!
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Warm-ups are good... With no expectations of course
Your W's sharing things reminded me of my H. When he was in crazy texting mode, he ignored all around him to continually text. But as time goes on, he will share here and there who he is sending and receiving texts to and from. Sometimes I think he's telling the truth, but other times I'm not so sure...
I absolutely believe they can sense us pulling away. And they don't like it.
You asked why your W likes you, but doesn't love you. How can she love anyone if she doesn't love herself? Plus, she does love you underneath it all, buried way deep in her heart.
Her love for you can resurface one day. I wish I could say for sure, or soon, or something better than maybe.
But there is hope, FY.
Keep bustin on...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
So you're saying now's the time to let her have it? heehee!
Well, I used to have some pretty graphic daydreams about that - LOL! Just kidding - maybe
Seriously, as much as she has hurt me, I really don't want to hurt her. I know this is not her fault, and she's dealing with her pain as best she can.
You really are a special man. And you are right, she is doing the best she can. And of course you dont want to hurt her - you love her and you are not having an MLC.
