Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

I've been sick the last few days and the weather has been terrible. Being stuck inside is never good. I have all these emotions that just want to boil over and I don't think I'm handling that too well. There is no where for them to go. There is no resolve but suck it up and carry on. I am tired of talking to other people. People have said some pretty harsh things to me about H lately, and it makes me so defensive. It makes me defensive because they're right.

I hate the eggshell feeling around H-- to the point I feel uncomfortable around him. He is spiraling down right now, and it's hard to see that. I feel like my compassion towards him is very much how I would be with a friend or sibling. I reach out to him and want to let him know I care, and then wonder if that just makes it worse. He's upset and I want to hug him, but he doesn't want it. He is upset because the guilt and his replay is coming back to counter it.

I think being out of replay this last week may have been spiraling him to the bottom, so he has to jump back into it. He's back to a short encounter yesterday and today with different people. I don't know who. I'm thinking one is OW1, but who knows. I'm so tired of his predictable cycling: Guilt about what he has done to me/kids/himself -> Depression/withdrawal -> using women -> back to guilt. I feel like this will go on until I end it with divorce. And I feel that's how it would go too. Not a wakeup call. We would divorce.

Here is the current cycling timeline:
Day 1-7: big time replay and neglecting
Day 8: Halted by me questioning him
Day 9: Short encounter with OW, followed by 5 days assumed no contact
Day 10-14: touch and go connections with me. Always a daily reason to stop in or just show up. No contact initiated from me, but responding to his. I'm Nice/friendly. He does small actions: brings dinner, takes out garbage, offers to do/buy things.
Day 15: can't look me in the eyes anymore. Very overt depression
Day 16: me checking in with him, talking with him, getting his mind off of things
Night 16: back to ow1, 15 min encounter
Day 17: Me asking him why he never said anything about a photo of me with the boys. H in tears, admitting he looks at it every day. Says we shouldn't talk to each other that way ever. (I'm not quite sure what I said.) I told him I've been angry at him and he says I have a right to be. H leaves and goes to an unknown for 45mins.

I need to get off this train. I'm so tapped in and it's effecting me and my patience level with the boys. I'm tired. I'm over-whelmed. I feel like I'm suppose to be there for H when he needs me, when he contacts me. He is so clear that he is the one messed up and this isn't about me. It's hard to not be there for him in such clarity. And it's hard to be there for him because I'm so mad at him.