This has been a hard week and it took me a few days to process new understanding instead of reacting in anger.
labug, dds help out as much as they are able with their busy school/music schedules. AND we've even cut back on the schedule considerably this past year. They're older so it does provide more freedom for me, but I carry a lot of guilt because they are alone a lot. I know they don't mind that part, but I feel guilty leaving them on their own and to fend for themselves. Like when H told me on the phone he had to go make dinner - I haven't made dinner for girls in ages probably and that really really burned. Taps into my guilt and the fact that I am trying to manage everything with varying degrees of success, and H always enjoyed and did a better job cooking meals.
I am still stuck on the co-parenting issue. This is a little bit of broken record material.
My biggest issue with co-parenting is giving H all the credit and respect of the father he used to be, when he doesn't do any of the parenting he used to do. In my effort to work on friendship and offer trust, I've really involved him in some parenting decisions lately. Regarding d15 new bf, regarding college, and our whole last MC appt was dedicated to his 'trust recovery' with girls. But he hasn't earned any parenting respect or reciprocated in time or actions. Spent 2 hrs with girls in last 9 days, no trust talk, and during the 2 hrs he was with girls, d18 just told me that H was texting the supposed 'former' ow. So I'm putting a lot out and trying to have no expectations, but it also seems plainly clear that my girls and I am being lied to and led on, once again.
As azguy pointed out, I'm burned out and would like him to step up and offer more parenting time. The flip side to that coin is that in order to demand he helps out more, I am being the pushy b!tch I've been trying not to be. And I've been in such a mess emotionally this last couple weeks over this issue that I'm thinking it was much easier to not involve him again. I had a bit of power a couple months ago when he was out of the picture, and trying to bring him back in has just taken my self respect and hasn't brought any relief in parenting.
- The kids don't care either way because they're foundation is secure with me. - H doesn't obviously care because he hasn't made any attempt to commit to at least co-parenting. - Our MC appts are a joke because the sessions are spread every two weeks and it's just a tease where H can lie to my face and C about ending OW but then continue to text her in front of kids. - I am only hurting myself by getting emotionally invested in H and being his advocate back into this family. I can want it for him, but if he doesn't want it enough to make it happen on his own, I'm the fool.
What does this mean for my DB attempts? I'm feeling cold and disinterested again. I can't put demands on who H communicates with because he hasn't committed to our R. But this middle ground is hurting me. H is active in reaching out for a week or so, then withdraws and we don't hear from him. I know it's a roller coaster but I'm not detached enough to stay on without losing my cookies. And the only thing that has brought H closer is me involving him more. If I quit that I expect we won't hear from him again like we barely heard from him for 5 months last fall.
