Snodderly - You are awesome - that was a fast and reassuring reply! I was just thinking how after I am on this forum I feel immensely better - like no comparison to how I feel in the morning before I get to work & lunch time and get on this board. You are a fantastic person for taking your time and intelligence to help me, a drowning LBW, who feels like she is circling the drain.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
I know exactly how you feel...been there, done that almost 14 years ago. I remain here to pay forward because this forum saved my sanity many years ago.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Everyone thanks for the input and keep going tonkarider, you will get a lot of support here.
Just a brief update but much the same. W is distancing again the last couple of times I saw her. No invite for coffee and minimal conversation. This seems to be a pattern that is emerging in that we have a few weeks of good communication and then she withdraws. She is also trying to stop smoking again so she probably isn't in the best mood either
Also got another tricky sitch to handle with W. She wants me to take a week off work this summer and have S for a week whilst she goes on holiday with her GF. She raised this a while back about how we should make the most of our sitch by doing things like this.
This is complicated as S has special needs so one of us cannot take him away on our own as he is too difficult to manage. I have S every weekend and my leave is the only chance I get for a break both from work and being S carer. W does not work so has all day to herself and every weekend to herself with our current arrangement.
So in short I want to say no to W request but I know she will hit the roof. What I would like is some honest advice about if I am being selfish/unreasonable if I say no. I cannot get unbiased advice from friends/family so wanted to throw it open here before I set W on a rage. So please be honest.
Hi rkyfat, that's quite a puzzler you've got on your hands there. I have tremendous respect for parents of special needs kids. My nephew is autistic and I know he needs a lot of special attention and guidance. My hats off to you.
Maybe this is an opportunity for you to sit down and talk to W about the logistics of her leaving you alone with your son. It might be a good chance to practice patience and problem solving, and you might want to set some boundaries. Maybe ask her to make it a shorter holiday so you don't have to swing things on your own for an entire week? Or maybe there's some other option you two can come up with together? If not, stand up for yourself and say no. The decision W has made will have implications for her lifestyle, so perhaps it's best if she's confronted with that reality sooner rather than later.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Hi papa thanks for the words. Certainly adds an extra dimension to everything with a special needs child.
Thank you for your suggestions as well, they sound sensible as well as an opportunity to talk to W properly without putting forward a blunt "no".
I do feel incredibly guilty for S as he does enjoy his holidays but the reality is he is too much for 1 person to cope with when you consider flights etc etc. Don't think W has even considered him at all and appears more set on getting away with her GF.
Don't feel guilty about being reluctant to go it alone with your son. Just as how it takes a while for us to stop taking blame for everything that went wrong in the M, I think it also takes time to realize that we can't always be all things to our kids. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a really great parent. So shoot for greatness, and leave the doomed hope of perfection to the perfectionist (like my W, for example, lol).
Look at this sitch with your W's holiday as a chanca to work together to solve a problem. Tell her where you stand, listen to what she wants and is willing to give, be patient and validate, and look for a mutually satisfactory solution.
How hard could it be?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Hi rky, I agree with papa's wise advice, and would like to offer another thought.
Has W had any holidays with GF? This might be something she needs to get out of her system or forever feel like she's missed out. My W is on holiday with her GF as I type, and I know how much she feels she needs to do this. We have no kids, let alone one with special needs, so I understand that adds an entirely new dimension to things. Still, if there is any way you can swing it, you might be surprised to find her quite grateful for it. Talk it out with her and see what you all can come up with.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Papa Mtnman and FY thanks for the input and advice.
Perhaps I have done W a bit of a disservice and my post was a little one sided. W has offered to stand weekends etc so that I can have the same opportunity.
I appreciate the gesture but standing a weekend is nothing compared to using up your very limited leave. Especially when you have S each weekend and the big DIY jobs you have to use leave to get done as well.
FY you make a good point re W holidays with GF. Before she met me she did and she has had weekends away with the girls. She has recently had a long weekend away with the girls albeit not abroad. She is already planning a long weekend abroad with the girls in September which I am fine with and even offered to look after the dog. However, she is after a week away in addition to this.
There is also the other side which has crossed my mind that if she is planning a weekend away with the girls in September is the week in summer really with the girls or OM. In which case it would be a flat no. But I guess I will never know that.
Neither W or I have had more than a couple of days away from S for a break and how welcome it would be to have a weeks holiday. It would do her the world of good so yes guess she would be extremely grateful.
But a big part of me thinks that why should either of us get a holiday when S will miss out.
Thanks for the input with this. I will mull it over some more.
Just a general update and the holiday saga continues.
We had a talk and I suggested a few days but not the whole week with weekends either side. She got a bit edgy about it being important to spend time with my son. I calmly reminded her that I know this and explained that I actually get more time with S than she does except during the school holidays. She has a carer 1 day a week which means she only has S Monday evening, Tuesday evening and Thursday evening.
We spoke again after a few days and she showed a nicer side stating that she did not want me to think that I was doing all the work with S whilst she had weekends free, holidays etc. I said I did not think that but there needs to be a balance that works for both of us.
She then suggested me doing alternate weekends and on the weeks I don't see him I could go around to her place and have dinner with them and spend the evening with S.
So yet another dilemma. Advantages to alternate weekends would be I get chance to do some of the big jobs on the house that need doing. I also get to spend an evening with W and S which maybe an opportunity as we never do things as a family since she moved out.
Downside is I don't want to be a part time dad and S and I have a great weekend together. It would also be yet more disruption to his schedule.
Anyone got any suggestions on this one as its starting to make my head spin. She can be very manipulative about stuff like this and has been in the past. My gut feeling is to stick with my original offer.
