No longer treading water, must either sink or swim

[Grizz]

Ok, so I have rewritten some of the letter. Thank you to all who gave advice/opinions on it. Especially thank you to AS. Your insight is truly appreciated. I took some things out but left some things in that were recommended that I take out. It may not have been the best thing for me to do but just in my heart I felt like I needed to do some things. Here is the revised version: Again, please comment with your thoughts.


Heather, I am not sure how to even begin. I guess to say that I am sorry. Sorry for the hurt that you have experienced. Sorry for the decisions that you have had to make. Sorry for not living up to what I should have been. I have had so much to say to you over the past several months but I have not mentioned anything because I knew that you probably didn’t want to hear it. Well, how can it get any worse than where we are right now?

I love you. I haven’t said that in a long time. Again, I haven’t said it because I thought that you didn’t want to hear it. I am sure you know this but I just needed to tell you. I stopped kissing you goodbye for the same reason. My feelings for you have never changed only my actions. I can’t describe to you or to anyone the hurt that I feel being where we are. For the past seven months, I have not known what I should do so I only did what I could do which was try to give you space.

I have tried to listen carefully to what you have said over the past several months about why your feelings have changed. You’ve told me that I have been jealous and controlling in our relationship. I didn’t realize the damage this was causing to our marriage, but I can see now how much pain it caused you and I am sorry I made you feel that way. I am committed to changing my behavior and I thank you for letting me know about this. I am sure it was difficult for you to discuss it.

I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt me deeply. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I avoid conflict but, in doing so, I also avoid issues that need to be addressed. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back. I can see how wrong it is to do that and how I inadvertently hurt you by responding this way. When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made, I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.

This has really made me look deep within myself. I have had to face fears and flaws that I never thought I would and frankly that I never knew were there. Some of these you have mentioned and others I have just seen myself. Regardless of what happens to “us”, these issues needed to be addressed and I will be better for it.

I absolutely hate where we are. Neither one of us wanted or expected to be here. You are leaving in a few weeks. You know that I would prefer you to stay and work on us. However, if you feel like the only way that you will find happiness is to leave, then I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for. I love you.