I'm very happy to see that the program went well for your son. I hope you took a lot of photos so that you and your family can look back to them in the years to come.
The reconnecting w/your sons is the first step and it's going to be a slow process from here on out, but you've been a very patient woman and I know you can be patient a while longer. He's comfortable in his home and feels safe there and that's what is important.
I'm sure the ow was wanting to know how things went and what he was doing, thus the "not feeling well" comment. His guilt is eating him up and if he would just grow up a bit, he would see that his problem right now is the ow. But, in time that will be revealed to him.
Continue to be the wonderful person that you are. He's one lucky man and hopefully he's beginning to realize that.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are very good at stepping back and seeing the whole pic -- even while dealing with intense fluctuating emotions of your own!
I'm so glad S5 has another happy memory for his bank! And it sounds so very positive that your H is trying in these small ways. Maybe the depression will start melting little by little -- like ice cube sizes off a huge iceberg! But the trend is going in the right direction...reconnection.
Kudos to you to even being able to live with the guy...and be the shining star you are! I'm in awe!
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hi TVS, I'm so glad to hear things are looking up for you guys.
Regarding having the MLC'er at home...
While I agree it is not usually our choice whether they stay or not, our actions do affect their decision. When we give them space and create a pressure free environment, it makes it more likely they will feel comfortable enough to stay.
I prefer having mine at home with me, so we can maintain some sort of connection. Plus, I like that I know more about what's going on with her. There's no money or kids issue keeping her here, so it must be something about me that's not so bad after all.
I too fear being stuck in the friend/roommate zone and won't wait forever.
Finally, when they do leave, it's always seen as a step towards break up. And when they return, as a step towards R. Better to have 'em here the whole time if you can, I think.
You are doing great and are an inspiration to us all. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think they are aware of them, at least W has told me this in some of her processing. They are stuffed down deep in the anger phase, and when they do think of how we might be feeling, it makes them more angry at us during that phase. In other phases it does cause them a lot of guilt and pain, which can feed into depression or the "Run!" response (at least with my W, per her). She would run to her online replay/PA OM to escape those very uncomfortable feelings, or get so frustrated and worked up, and drop another BD, as I experienced...
W has commented many times, in those moments of clarity, that she was amazed at how I was doing, that I could be happy/content/keeping on with this horrible sitch in my life...she hasn't said if that made her question where happiness comes from, or anything like that, but I do believe it does make them question...though W seems to still hang onto that happiness just comes from somewhere "out there" through most of this, though I know she has cognitively looked at that question, but maybe that responsibility is tough to accept for her during this time...idk...mind reading...
Here's a microbrew to keeping the road home paved smooth with our in-house mlc'ers!! <clink!> T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Snodderly~ I'm sure OW had a bug up her butt about this weekend - we had relatives visiting from out of town and S5's program, and he chose to be home all weekend.
And the guilt? Seems to be getting worse based on physical manifestations. He's sleeping worse than ever, itchy, and is having stomach problems. Stepping out of the way, and letting OW put the pressure on him.
Just seeing him be comfortable at home and with the boys is motivation for me. I am hoping that in time, his feelings for me will resurface. I still believe it is possible.
We did take pictures and video of the program. I think the video is probably pretty funny - I was holding S2 and working the video camera, and he was making comments and attempting to sing along throughout. I will definitely look back fondly at that evening
rH ~ I feel like he is slowly melting - and when I say slowly, I think your ice cube/iceberg analogy is perfect!
I'm trying to keep my emotions in check, it is hard at times. It helps me to remind myself to look at the big picture instead of a single action or day or even cycle.
FY ~ if our MLCers decide to stay, I totally agree with you, giving them space and freedom is absolutely imperative. Seems some want a divorce just to get those things - but if we can give it to them, with love, I think it makes a world of difference.
My H has told me that I have done what he has asked (give him space) and he appreciates it.
The tough part is this damn limbo, which seems to go on and on and on. It can be completely draining, mentally and emotionally.
They say we will know, without a doubt, when we are done. I know I'm not done yet - and I don't think you are either
T^2 ~ it's almost like a catch-22 cycle they get stuck in... They feel guilty about what they are doing to us/their family, so they run to replay stuff, which after the initial high brings even more feelings of guilt and shame...
I think when we begin to find happiness within ourselves it does help, but only they can choose to break the cycle. And that sounds like a hard thing to do.
I'm guessing that they get to a point where they think, "What have I done? What was I thinking? How do I clean up this mess? Can I clean up this mess?"
Don't think H is there quite yet, but it seems your wife has faced this. Maybe she just has to build up the strength to really face it head on.
Sometime soon I will post something from HB about the difference between judging and letting them know what they have done was not acceptable. It was really eye opening for me, and I thought of you and your sitch when I read it. Dealing with an OP is such tough stuff...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing much to report. H came up to bed around 4:00 am, asked me to scratch his back, then fell asleep.
He had mentioned yesterday that he may go golfing then out with a buddy to watch the hockey game today. He ended up not going anywhere. This happened a day this past week as well. I don't say anything, just roll with it...
Took S5 to a kids yoga class today, it was a lot of fun! Made awesome kabobs for dinner. Meeting a friend and her kids for a picnic after work tomorrow.
Sitting quietly, but staying busy. Hope everyone had a nice weekend
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I have really appreciated the quotes you have brought forth as we need it. They have helped me a lot, so...thank you.
I'm on an overnight road trip to my sister's house to pick up S13 to bring him back home. It's good for my H to have a night at home without ME for a change! Lol!
Quote:
I'm guessing that they get to a point where they think, "What have I done? What was I thinking? How do I clean up this mess? Can I clean up this mess?"
Cogitating on this ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
I don't think my H has thought this, although he didn't have an A, that I am aware of. This kind of thinking includes the LBS. I really don't see my H thinking specifically about making my life easier. It just is that way b/c he is making moves to come back home.
I'm not in his head, but I did hear him murmur, on Christmas Day, "I have a W, a home, kids to come back to."
I really don't think he thought of us first. Still himself.
I saw that this weekend when we did some fun stuff with another couple (will post on my thread) that the other men introduced their W's right away and half the time H still forgot I was there.
So....I wouldn't hold out for the "great apology" or "cleaning up this mess" theory. Just don't think in general it'll happen. At least not for a long while. Just my thoughts.
But I love reading you sitch and the little reconnections. Choosing to stay at home all weekend! Yay!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
The itchiness is from his auto-immune disease, and the stomach problems from colitis
Well, celiac disease is the root cause of many autoimmune diseases. And there is a big overlap between gluten sensitivity and colitis. Seems silly that he won't at least try it when he appears to suffer so.
Another thing to investigate - low dose naltrexone dot org. Very preliminary study showed 2/3 remission rate in Crohn's disease. Has been studied in MS. Anecdotal stories of responses in other autoimmune disorders.
Thanks kml, I will look into the info you gave me.
rH ~ I think eventually they have to face what they have done, or they stay stuck. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting an apology anytime soon! But if we are to R in the future, I am going to expect one. He blew a hole in our M, our family, my heart. He is not going to just waltz back into our life one day like he didn't. No no no.
This is the post from HB that has had me thinking lately:
"Accountability is pointing out bad behavior and letting them know it was UNACCEPTABLE to you, that it was/is not okay what they did although you can and will forgive for it. Now, it leaves room for a set of consequences to occur IF the behavior occurs again - setting boundaries at that time.
Being judgemental, on the other hand, is holding the 'holier than thou' attitude, being unforgiving, always holding what they did over their head, along with the attitude of 'I would never do that, and I'm better than you because I didn't. There is something wrong with you, nothing wrong with ME.' "
I think some good stuff to think about...
Feeling kinda blah tonight. Have been busy/overwhelmed at work, and then things just as busy at home. I'm tired.
Checked bank account, and saw that between may 10-17, H took out $340. It's pissing me off.
I feel like we have had the money discussion before, and I need to tread lightly here. No doubt OW is putting pressure on him to spend - I'm sure he told her about our fight months ago, and feel like she is looking to set me off any way she can. Just keeping tabs on things right now, not saying anything...
He calls me tonight a little after 9:00 to say that he is on his way home from golf, he didn't want me to worry that he was a bit later than usual.
Interesting story pertaining to them remembering what we say/do... Last summer when he was at the height of alien behavior, he left for golf sometime in the early afternoon, and came home at 3:00 am! Yet, he was completely baffled by why I wondered where he was. And I told him, you've never been this late before, and I was worried about you.
Over the past few months, he has called to let me know if he'll be late so - in his words - "you don't worry about me".
I don't know, I just find it interesting what they pick up on and remember.
Anyway, when he gets home, he says the guys were talking about the golf beach trip again. It would be for 5 days at the end of June, and cost around $2000.
Now, if I knew without a doubt that this was a golf trip, I wouldn't care. But because I believe he's sneaking away with twinkle twat, I feel my hurt and anger rising up once again.
Yeah yeah, I know, he's gotta get it out of his system, A gotta die a natural death, blah blah blah...
I get it. I'm just hurt.
I think I handled it well though, and said I just wanted to make sure the boys got to the beach one way or another.
My patience is really being tested with this.
Going to bed with a heavy heart. Busy day at work tomorrow, going to try to get some sleep.
Good night
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
