I hate this, hate this, I feel like a phony or a fake, or angry that I may be hoping there is change in H. NO! I won't let myself believe there is any hope because I will just be hurt, no assuming! If the actual words came out of his mouth to me about change, needs, wants, maybe I would give him the time of day, big maybe!
this is something i've said to myself and him many times. i'm done with the assumptions. finding out about ow- lies - finished off any "faith" or ability to give him benefit of doubt. i see now that i've put "good spin" on things for years & years , with him and everyone i know. bad behavior- i've got an acceptible reason WHY. I AM A JERK in that respect- totally.
that's a wierd thing to winkle out of one's personality- it's kind of tangled up with your outlook & faith in people in general being more good than bad...??? the old "is that the sort of person and out look you want to be and have?" thing-
do you see it as a nice element in your personality- or problem? hard thing to turn on and off like a faucet
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Anyway tho- I like hearing you say it out loud and that you've come to same conclusions as me in general. feel the same way- i've wondered if i'm being baby-ish - needing to hear the actual words. i do tho - like you - it's just the WAY IT IS NOW. THEY'VE created this breach- they have to fix it (kind of thing) does that make sense?
[quote]I want to give him someone worth trying for, someone to work toward, but what do I know about what I want?
now tht i'm here - i'm having de ja vu- or however you spell it. maybe i've said this to you already- you are totally on point with this. do you find yourslef - asking (yourself) if you're a person toooo concerned with who you are in reltion to other people in your life? can you actually envision who the "future dawn" will be? What she wants- will do in life- be in life - ???
i used to be a perfectly happy & normal person - now i find myself wondering if i feel like i only exist in my relationships?
on my own - totally on my own- i don't feel like it's fun or "a life". i find i don't enjoy things so much knowing i'm alone and doing things for me are not as pleasant as for someone else that is being made happy by it.. it's soooo dopey i can't even explain properly - are you experiencing anything like this? i don't want to be his doormat (or my mother's for that matter) - but suddenly everything i do- who i am- WHAT I DO is alll because of and for someone else- that WAS my pleasure. when it's going thru the motions with no reason - no love- nothing but "duty" - it's taken most of the pleasure out of life and allllll the things i do.
did that make any sense to you at all? i'm havin a serious issue here with WHO I AM - if i'm not who i thought i was. this man has succeeded in plunging me into my own little mini mlc black hole. holy cow! dawn- i am not going there. yet i feel at a loss to find me in there.
i can even understand why they try going all the way back to who they were before us- because if "us" isn't working for them (or you and me now) what the heck would one shoot for. how to envision a whole new you and new life- just run back to what you were. i can't even see the future me- i'm just plugging along one day at a time- wondering how it all turns out and what i'll do next-
i found self thinking "i will be" what i was - OH NOOOOOO....
I have no idea who new(me) wants to be- but i sure can't go back to being girl i was waaay back then. i wouldn't have morphed beyond it if it was soooo great! i can see how a person only can see themselves as what they were - rather than what they might be in future. it's a wierd insight.
i sure hope i'm not getting nuts from all the stress and bs for so long-
i was soooo sure i was sooooo happy with this guy- that knowing alot of it was lies and deception - makes it feel impossible to envision who would replace him in my life and affections - even if i wanted to at this moment (and i can't even think about THAT) - I CAN'T imagine anyone filling this giant gap in my life?!! maybe not him- maybe not no one- (nice grammar huh?)
you too???? wtf- i'm getting out of here- find more coffee- do something "interesting" or creative and try to quit thinking. it's fatal isn't it? the over-thinking. HOPW YOUR DAY IS HAPPY AND THINGS CONTINUE ON UPWARD slant- i guess as usual - WE'LL KNOW WHEN IT'S RITE. AND THAT probably includes everything.
maybe you will miraculously find yourself thinking "this feels right" about (something little ) about h? or something he says or does? fingers crossed- maybe maybe maybe- can't know til it all unfolds- we sure hate waiting don't we??? maybe it's like building up the entire r allover again- one little spoonful at a time- fifty million gazillion tiny words, feelings, thoughts, acts - like the first time. never knowing where it might go, might be - (except burdened with the knowledge of how good it WAS - got destroyed - ) that's the kicker isn't it? GOOD LUCK- I SURE WISH WE COULD MEET UP FOR A CUP OF COFFEE & scone & talk in person. it's such a wierd and soul-sucking experience isn't it??????
soooo - we hurry up - conquer this feeling , conquer that bad attitude - hurry up so you can - wait more amd more and more-
oh well- ((( ))) i have to quit this- hope your day is good - hang on - things seem to be looking up one tiny bit there - i don't want to say it out loud tho- enjoy today
