back again- i think last nite i hadn't read allll your recent last few posts. it's such a giant mixed bag of emotions -
i feel it too. like you - the fake yucky feeling of being bubblie or positive when you're feelin more like "end of the line" kinda state of mind. their creation- the whole darn mess - and us trying to act like it's not there? wtf???
h on phone yesterday perfectly pleasant- asking about my weekend plans (antique show) , etc- i asked if he was "going out of town" - he said no - & something or another. i said i needed to know how much time i had to spend working on getting to hate him and he said "don't hate me".
it's so jerky & pathetic isn't it? he could change it all in the flick of a switch too- i wonder if it's merely human nature and the minute you or I find we're more in command of sitch- we'll just blow them out the old air lock for all llll the torture they've subjected us to? one does have to wonder... i have to fight daily to just be "neutral" in life-
this cold sunk into my chest - woo hoo - so i'm tired this a.m.- & my "perky" is half dead today...
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It's not about her, I have to continue to learn how not to act or treat him based on EA, this is "my" R with him, however it turns out, what ever happens between us, it is only about us!
agreed - BUT, and it's a big one- how does one keep knowledge of ow and etc. out of our minds? and since it's there- it DOES in fact alter what we think of them and about them & possible future r with them. wtf do we do about all that???
this business of allll the broken trust & insanity - sure takes it's toll on our opinion of them as people.
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I'm just going to continue to let him feel his way around how to treat me, and how to act around me, he's been making an effort to be polite and thankful. I expect nothing, hope for nothing and I will stay as neutral as humanly possible.
good luck dearie. hope it gets easier and easier to be neutral and (for me anyway) not judging . h returns wed- my usual "blues" about , well, everything & anticipation of - what? feelin better - feeling worse? happier? more hopeless - what he'll be like this time? etc.
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We are really doing this aren't we? Soon it will be one yr on this site, we are kindred spirits!
has it only been a year? i thought two for me? shows you where my head is at- feels more like, ohhhh about 100.
i'm having trouble remembering things from your other posts- your comment about your h actually saying he wanted to ml to you- that's something huge - isn't it? happy for you- it's his own brain preventing him, isn;'t it? my h too- i despair of him ever ever ever getting "unstuck" in that dept.
it is a wierd thing- the similarities of our h's. both having "quirky" personalities that we found endearing (oh cripes!!!) and so forth.
I have to golook at your other posts and respond to a few of your comments- can't remember exactly what in here..
