I have just realised that I never have to deal with my xh again. My kids all feel that I have all that is necessary and then some - we wanted to see if he could be reasonable as there are family weddings coming up which it would have been nice for him to attend, and two of my children are hoping to have their own children in the next couple of years, but they do not want their father as an active grandparent the way he still is
I so hoped it could be otherwise, but he so does not get the need for kindness and making amends to his children. Without this there can be no real relationship. They see him a couple of times a year, and the fact that OW2 is foisted on them makes them even more reluctant to see him. She is apparently 'an awful woman' to quote one of my sons.
Because he began his relationship with her after we were divorced in his view this makes it all OK. But there is no rule that says you have to like or want to hang out with your parents' new partners, once you are an adult yourself.
Bea, if you end up finding a man that you really like, perhaps even love, how would you pursue integrating him into your children's lives? What if they won't accept him?
Good question - first off, I am starting from a different point with my chldren as I do not have a long history of hurt and damaging treatment of my kids, but am in a position of love and trust with them, which is a help.
Second I have had a long period on my own (my xh goes from woman to woman with no break)and they respect the work I have done on me, and the support I have given them. We were an exceptionally close and loving family, and my xh's behaviour and treatment of both me and them during all of this shocked and hurt them deeply
Third I have good taste (the kids do not like this woman)
Fourth, at my age, my family matter more than a fledgling r with a man. Perhaps that is a male female difference?
Fifth, my kids see me as a responsible adult capable of making good life choices 0 they see their father as someone essentially out of control with appalling taste in women
So if I met someone I would invite the children to meet him either in a restaurant, or social gathering or at my home, and if they didn't want to I would not insist. I certainly would never show up unannounced on their doorstep with new man in tow.
If they met him and didn't like him I am afraid it would be curtains for the r - they are adults with very good taste in people. They want me to be happy and are not opposed to either of us having a relationship
They expect their father to treat them with respect for them and their homes. They will meet OW at his, or in a restaurant, and if he asked if she could come when he sees them in their homes, it gives them a chance to say they do not care for her. He just assumes that they must like her and they must have her in their homes, without even having met her in the first instance.
Do you show up at people's houses with an uninvited guest in tow? I do hope not.
Hopefully this doesn't become an issue ABOUT OW, rather than your xh actually realizing that his relationship with his kids needs to be worked on, regardless of the OW.
They will always seek to divert the issue from the real problem, However the thoughtless and entitled behaviour is sadly all too common with MLC
I did actually send another email about his r with his children. With MLCers you can't put more than one thought into an email otherwise their brains melt and start dribbling out of their ears
Now I am done with emailing him. yippee I have such a great life when he isn't lurking
Bea, I'm only 18 months into my situation, but it seems very similar to yours. My H is angry, blames me, severely damaged his R with the boys, is unfair and nasty in the D, etc. Reading about your current developments underscores for me that I need to stick to my need for no contact now or in the future. If my H were to seek counseling and figure himself out than I would be willing to start communicating again. Your XH still doesn't grasp the damage caused by his choices. He still needs to be angry with you so that he doesn't feel the pain of reality. Any relationship you and your kids have with him will be on his terms. He is still not ready to "hear" anyone else in the family. That's amazing after so much time. I'm so sorry.
How nice of you to feel compassion for me when you are so relatively new to all of this.
Really after all this time you develop a very thick skin, but sometimes what has been lost still hurts at times. It is difficult to become tough enough to deal with MLC without being hard!
Yes, I had no contact for a very long time, and then he started peeking out, but I think it is still touch and go. In any case I am back to no contact. I think my xh is actually even madder, if this is possible, than he was at the start of his MLC, and we wondered then if men in white coats would come for him.
I really did love this man, but now I just sigh and try and laugh at his antics. It is pathetic in someone who is supposed to be an adult.
Bea, I'm not surprised that he is madder than an old wet hen right now. In his eyes, you were telling what he can and can't do. They don't like that. But, I do know where you are coming from. I've had my share of the nonsense as well.
The best thing you can do is go back to no contact. Unless it's absolutely necessary to have contact w/him, then keep the no contact in place at all times. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and he's not going to learn life's lessons if he's allow to waltz in and out of your life and that of your children. Bea, your children will need to buck up and keep their distance and stand by their boundaries as well in order to him to eventually "get it".
Hang in there because there will be more missives that will burn up your laptop. One nice thing...the delete key is very handy when you need it.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
