She is also questioning me more about the changes in me, and why now after all this time. I know this is how it is supposed to work, but never thought she would care enough to ask.
I am trying not to read anything into this, positive or negative. I am just going to carry on as I am and adhere to the above goals.
Just make sure to not showboat your changes, or even mention them. Do them quietly for yourself. They will often say it's "Too little, Too late". Don't be discouraged by this. Carry on.
My wife has told me how they laugh about how GF's BF only started doing things she wanted him to do after she dumped him. So know that any changes must be what YOU want, for YOU, not to win her back. This doesn't mean she won't find these changes attractive, given enough time.
When I told W I was taking up a drawing course, she scolded me: "I told you you had talent, and now it takes this (BD) for you to do anything about it." -Ouch.
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My W seen Pink in concert recently. The following Pink song was written about her own failing M. I believe her and Hubby have R.
Just Give Me a Reason
Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh Things you never say to me, oh, oh Tell me that you've had enough Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts We're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from I thought that we were fine (Oh, we had everything) Your head is running wild again My dear we still have everythin' And it's all in your mind (Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh There's nothing more than empty sheets Between our love, our love Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again I never stopped You're still written in the scars on my heart You're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us We're collecting dust But our love's enough You're holding it in You're pouring a drink No nothing is as bad as it seems We'll come clean
Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again Oh, we can learn to love again Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
When I told W I was taking up a drawing course, she scolded me: "I told you you had talent, and now it takes this (BD) for you to do anything about it." -Ouch.
I've heard similar. I've also heard the its too late, it's not going to make a difference.
More recently its 'why now after this many years are you.....'
Fact is some of my changes probably were to impress W to begin with but now I feel they are for me, as I am really enjoying some of the things I am doing.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
How about dealing with it as it comes? I don't see any reason to say anything. I see more of a reason to be real. If she decides she'd rather be with OM, then help her pack her bags and wish her luck. Mean it though. Don't act on it until you mean it.
This is her trip. She wants to change you? Really? Then will she only love you if she changes you? Or can you be you?
Meanwhile, you are being you and making changes for you. She is scrutinizing you, which is a lot of pressure. Shake that off and be just you. Be authentic. She'll have to figure out what she is about and what she wants and you'll have to do likewise. Don't try to make her jealous or show her what she'll lose. Don't try to contort yourself to be something else. She'll just look at that and say you changed to try and manipulate her to come back. Believe me on that one.
If you want her to come back, then be you, drop the anger, drop the "fairness" aspect, and don't stray away from what you're goals are. Be you. Go after what you want. She is not done figuring things out and you are not asked for your opinion. Don't offer it, if you can help it. You're doing very well and it's getting noticed, but since you're not really the issue here (most likely), you can only be you.
You can figure out the rest of it later as there will be time then.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I understand what you are saying, i need to make this about me. And i really am trying to make these changes for me. I am finding everyday life more enjoyable now i am not thinking about how my W would react to everything i do. I think over the years i have become a child figure in our relationship. This is something that has come from my childhood as my parents found it difficult to let me to grow up and let go. The more i think about it, the more i feel like i have been stuck in my teenage years, and only since BD have i felt like a man. Now i can see how i want to live my life, how i want to make my own decisions and not get the approval to do so. I think this is part of me that my W is noticing, and commenting on. How I am becoming my own person and doing what i want to do.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Alright all, I am a little confused. Reading into things that I shouldn't ,so probably need to vent a bit.
W arrived home this morning. Very happy and talkative, we picked her up from Airport at her request. She was more in-touch whilst away than she was last time. Not all the time, but kept me up to date on what she was doing, which I could not work out whether it was guilt, lies or because she was checking in. All messages ending in a kiss. (odd as she does not do this when not away). I know she checked out late of the hotel, which gave me a bit of a stress and my imagination ran away a little. But again just me drawing conclusions based on nothing.
Has not really said much about her trip away, or mentioned her friend by name who she was supposed to be with, just says it all as 'we' did this 'we' did that. So who is 'we'?
She continues to be how she was before she went, happy, positive, kind towards me, and it feels like we are still the perfect flatmates. Nothing seems to be a problem, if I make a mistake, its fine, before i would have been flagged as the end of the world!
So my confusion is, if she was away with OM, who way back she claimed to love. Why would she be happy when she returns? She always claims she can't stand to be in the house, and last time she went away said she dreaded coming through the door. Surely to spend a weekend away with a 'new love', you would be in tears when you are parted for a few more months, let alone returning to a place you hate. I know when i used to visit her when we first started dating she would cry her eyes out when we parted company.
Why is she being so pleasant now. Its unsettling. And making it hard to stay detached to the point I have. I am falling into a false sense of security and forgetting about the sitch. Its only a matter of time before i mess up, or get BDed again.
I am really confused by all of this.
Could it be that when she is happy, she forgets herself, and that she has been so horrid and wanted to run desperately away. Or is she on a high because its all going her way, and this OM is turning out to be all she wants.
Should I even care - Somebody give me a slap - quick!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Who knows? Just roll with it… is there a better option I don’t know about?
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I am really confused by all of this.
You should be. I’m sure she is too!
Remember, as hard as this is on you, it’s even worse for her. She is dissatisfied with everything about her life up to this point. She is confused and unsure what to do about it. Let her figure it out for herself. The best you can do is stay on course. Continue to give her space and be the man, H , and father that only a fool would leave.
Don’t drive yourself nuts trying to figure this all out… you never will! Believe me, we've all tried!
Look around this board. Most of this is just a waiting game. Breath deep, remain calm, and be her rock. She is watching you. What do you want her to see?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY You are right. I need to see these moments as times where i can connect with W and communicate more. I've not had many chances so far to show her that i appreciate all she does, and also boost her self esteem a little, tell her how good she is at things.
This is a dangerous time for me, its so easy to be relaxed and sit back. I need to focus on me, focus on my 180's and changes, and also focus on how I can show W I can do those things she accused me of lacking in our R. (minus the physical affection of course).
At the end of the day I need to realise I am lucky. My W is still here in the house, and being nice to me. Yes, it may be because she is buzzing from having OM, but at the same time it gives our R chance to blossom a little. I am under no illusions, if she is still in love with OM, I know she can not feel love for me, but as you say FY, if i am a rock, and H she would be a fool to leave - if she is able to find love for me again, I will be there and looking my best!!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
How are you doing today my friend? Just caught up on your updates and the trip thing is really tough. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what W was doing, whether she was connecting with tat-boy, etc. and I know how your imagination can get away from you, especially late at night.
When my W got back, I was happy to see her and she was also on a high. Over the next several days, she would mention something and I would affirm and ask "tell me more" kinds of questions. She eventually told me a whole lot about the weekend, but I never did hear the real details on her texting tat-boy (I heard that later from her friend) and other things I was hoping for. Maybe someday, maybe not, probably doesn't matter anyway. Just hang in the there, listen, and let time work. You survived the weekend, that is a positive!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
On one of your earlier pages I saw a comment that said something like "she is the one who has to deal with the guilt" when referring to OM.
Do not assume she has guilt. I did not. I had pain for causing my H as much pain as I did and , later on, for the damage I did to our M but I do not believe I ever felt guilt. I don't know if most people do or not. For me, personally, I felt justified because my efforts to improve our M had been ignored or mocked for years. Even now, that I finally understand I was justifying (and have told H this), I don't have guilt. It was the best I could do at the time.
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W arrived home this morning. Very happy and talkative, we picked her up from Airport at her request. She was more in-touch whilst away than she was last time. Not all the time, but kept me up to date on what she was doing, which I could not work out whether it was guilt, lies or because she was checking in. All messages ending in a kiss. (odd as she does not do this when not away).
I went away not longer after H found out and I kept in touch a lot because I wanted him to know I was not with OM. There was never a time I was with OM that I wanted to reassure my H I wasn't because when I was with him it was all about me. Just my journey, don't know if it helps.
That brings me to another thought. A mutual friend of ours, knowing that my daughters father cheated on me when I was pregnant, and that it eventually ended our R, said "then how could you do it to H?"
The truth is, for me, my A had nothing to do with my H. I had tried everything I knew how to do and I was tired, lonely and a future with H seemed impossible. At the time, I felt like I was saving myself.
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I know she checked out late of the hotel, which gave me a bit of a stress and my imagination ran away a little. But again just me drawing conclusions based on nothing.
I almost always request a late check out!
Keep doing what you are doing, you have to reestablish a friendship before anything
You inspired me to update my goals, too!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
