RT- You did great! She found an opportunity to cling on to SOMETHING that wasnt her fault. She got to play the victim card!!!!!!
Brush it off- lots of raw emotion will be on display in the near future....This is all new, she is a different person and you need time to find your way in this new paradigm.
Dont you have a road trip to get ready for?????
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I don't remember reading anyone on your thread suggesting that your W moving back was going to be "easy"...
This is going to take more resolve and patience than you thought you had, but I have every confidence that you can do it.
Your W has moved back in for what ever reason and for however long she expects or ultimately can endure.
In the mean time, I do see a lot of expectations in your actions. You are not just going about your day as though you have a temporary guest. I see you working on rebuilding a broken M.
Stay away from R talk. Go about your day. What ever she is expecting FROM you, is HER expectations. Don't feel you have to live up to them and don't be baited when she tries to tell you how you are not.
You broke the candle holder, you apologized. Done. She is not letting go of it. She banters you. You take the bait.
As Val said, set your boundaries and get yourself out of the argument as soon as possible. She invited herself back, you opened your door to her, but that does not mean that she can come in and assume she is your partner and you owe her anything.
Still, do try to maintain your serenity and humility and compassion.
Keep moving forward. Do find some GAL so you are not hovering over her or smothering her.
i believe that shame is a big factor in the behavior of the WAS...and one of the key ways many try to defend against shame is to shame others. (thanks to brene brown for the research and writing on this)
do you think your W may be seeking some way to feel better about what she has done to you and your M? Without the strength to face it honestly, she may be seeking a way to blame/shame you..
my W did the same to me... and believe me, it is easy to fall down that hole with them.
SD had some great mantras she used when her P would visit. My favorite... saying "Isn't that interesting?" to herself as a way to keep an observer stance and maintain some emotional distance and detachment when her P would say something triggering... i think it can help keep the rational part of the brain engaged.
tbh though it is the hardest thing ever, keep busy and take space when you need it.. and post when you need to vent.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Where the duck are you?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Update Please
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Hurt comes out in the form of anger. We turn into little children. When we can acknowledge when this happens, we can take action to change it.
Your feelings are completely valid, but how you express them is under your complete control.
Thank you
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
