I had a meeting with my W last night. She texted and wanted to have dinner to talk about things. I agreed to meet her at a local restaurant.
She started out with that she was sorry about my grandmother passing away. Then within two minutes (not exaggerating) she jumped into discussing the divorce agreement. She kept asking if I wanted to know if she needed to file as an individual or joint filing. I said that I wanted to have the L to review the document to ensure that I was covered and that I agreed to what was in it before signing.
I explained that I had just met with my new L on Monday and brought him the document for him to review. She immediately said that I was having him do my negotiation and that she wanted us to “Be Adults” and discuss the terms and for just us to come to an agreement. She was okay if I had a lawyer involved but, she wants to negotiate direct with me. I am not a good negotiator and she knows this. Even my therapist said, I get to the point where I just give up and give my W what she wants. That my W will use crying and screaming to make me feel bad and I then give in to what she wants. So this made me feel she was "bullying me" into getting what she wanted in the document. I said several times I wanted the L to review the document and provide me recommendations/responses before I would agree/sign any documents. She jumped to that she really wanted to know if I would file jointly or did she have to have me served the papers. I said since I had just talked to the L on Monday that I would need a few days. She said fine.
She then said suddenly I’m sorry it’s come to this..I do miss you. I asked “Why do you miss me”? She responded with companionship and sharing things with me. I do miss that. I really screwed this up and said, this was your decision and I miss that too. I had the opportunity to validate her and I did not do as much as I could have during our discussion.
How I said she cut me off (not texting/calling). She explained that she was trying to be clear that she doesn’t want to have no relationship with me. She said that if I didn't want to have any relationship with her she would respect that. Could I have anything to do with her? I said time will tell. Again I missed the opportunity to validate her feelings. I said I was saddened that it has come to this and still don’t understand why it’s come to this and time will tell where we will be with our R. She went on to ask about whether I could do things with her like take dogs for a walk or something. Would it be possible and I said anything is possible.
I jokingly said you could hate me in a month. She said she hoped not. Then she went to what would be my housing situation if she bought the house. She would probably finalize the refinancing in May. She said she could probably get out of the lease of the condo. She said even if the closing happened in May, we could make an agreement between us that I would continue living in the house until October when her lease is up. Or she could time the refinance the house until October if we agreed to that solution and I would still have to pay half the house cost. She wanted to know if she could come to the house to work during the day. She said she could also visit the animals more often and maybe work on projects around the house as the weather get better. I said I would need to think about that, since I don’t see this as detachment, but her hanging on to see what I was doing at the house.
She then went on about her stock options and whether I felt that it was fair that she is being made to give me money for her options that she earned. I knew this was a rat hole conversation and I said I did not want to discuss any more as I’m not versed on the laws in our state to debate the issue. She kept asking the same question over and over a different way to see if I would change my answer. She said her L said she was not obligated to turn over earnings to me. I said I wanted to have my L recommend the best course of action. I kept saying I did not want to get into this battle with her on something I did not have enough knowledge of, but if she wanted to discuss with both our L, I was fine with that.
I suck at this, and keep failing to validate as much as I should when we are talking. I get so caught up with my hurt and anger that I don’t manage what I am saying. I have to say I did better, but still did not feel very good.
I know I need to work on my delivery when talking to her. I think I definitely sounded like the mother figure when I was explaining that I had seen (retained) a L and that any discussions around the divorce documents, sale of house, etc. would need to be reviewed by prior to my agreeing or sign it. I always feel so F*ing stressed, scared and incapable during these discussions.
There are 86,400 seconds given to us every day. At the end of the day, they’re gone and we can never get these back. I spent probably 10000 of those seconds last night being frustrated and angry. Was it worth it, what did I accomplish? Not as much as I would like.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, Don't beat yourself up. You did the right thing by telling her that your lawyer would be reviewing any documents before you signed them. Your wife tried every angle to get you to agree to sign the papers...don't sign them until your lawyer reviews them.
As for the house, you've got time to make a decision on that. Your wife is still in a very selfish mode and you saw how quickly sent went from being sorry about your grandmother to her being selfish and wanting you to do what she wanted.
Step back and allow her to wallow in her own stew pot for a while. She needs to understand that you are not going to be bullied into doing what she wants this time. She needs to understand that marriage is a two way street and that assets have to be divided when the times comes for a divorce.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
W stopped by tonight to drop off my dog. She had asked to keep her for the night and I had agreed.
She came in and it was a bit easier than it's been lately. She asked about how I was doing and if my company had been bought yet. We talked in a friendly manner on high level stuff for a few minutes.
She then started asking about if we could be friends once all of this was done. She seemed to be reminiscing about how our boating adventures we’ve had over the years, how she missed her xBIL; her sister left him and an affair after they had only been married for six months and that she remembers how we used to fight about a lot of things and this last year when we went to Maine it had been a fun adventure.
She said she knew that this was mostly being caused by her, the OW and how she has wanted to redefine our marriage to just be friends. She then went on to talk about when she went to Florida to visit and talking to her niece. She asked her niece when she was born and her niece was born the same year we got together. My W said something like you know the other night when we were talking about if we could still be friends after the divorce and I said that time will tell. She keeps saying she really wants us to be friends, hang out together, take the dogs for walks etc. I tried to validate her feelings and say I understand what she is saying, but really how do I validate that she wants a divorce and to be friends in the same breath?
She hung out for about 20 minutes this time and seemed to have tears and a little confused. I really wanted to give her a hug and say everything would be okay. I knew that would just send her down a hole. I also know that after the divorce it will be extremely hard for me to be friends at any level. I had been feeling really distant from her over the last few months, but tonight I felt a bit closer.
Then she stopped abruptly and asked if I had given any more thought to letting her have the boat for Memorial Day weekend. Wham and we are through!
Sam, It's a bumpy ride when you are dealing w/someone in crisis. I do think she's missing the "friendship" side of things w/you, but notice has she was bringing up the past and the tings from the past....it's part of trying to see where she was and where she is right now.
Sometimes, when they want to be friends and are being nice, you have to be on your guard because the other shoe is going to drop, i.e., the request for the boat over Memorial Day weekend. Good grief that's a bit away and anything can happen between now and then. Unless you are ready to say yes about that little venture, I would continue to table it for a while.
Friendship to mlcers is entirely different than it is to normal people. They all want to be friends after divorces and it's like they haven't got a clue as to what they've put us through the entire time. Friendship can occur, but it's going to take some time and foregiveness before it can happen.
Try to take things one day at a time. Your wife has a ways to go and don't be surprised if she wants to talk about the past again and then drop another request on you.
Sam, take are of yourself. Keep the focus on you and your furry friends.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
sam4nh ~ Are you still around? How are you doing??
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I needed to take some time and see if I could find myself a bit more….
Things on my front are not in the best place, but I know I will survive. My W is in full force pursuit of a divorce. She barely speaks to me and when she does it's more to push buttons than anything else. Basically the only time she is nice is when she's in front of people and wants them to see how sweet she is being about the whole divorce, needs to tell me something or wants me to do something for her.
So a few updates, W found out few weeks ago that her position at her company has been eliminated. Long story, but they said are trying to fire one of her peers, and based on that being done they needed to climate both positions. After a few more conversations with her it’s obvious that there are some underlying issues that she is not sharing. She did say that they did offer her another position, but she would need to relocate to work at a corporate office. She was all in a whirl when she called me to "inform" (her words not mine) me of the changes in her job. A couple days later she again "informed" me that she had been offered an awesome job but another group, but she would need to move to the west coast. She had talked to another manager was awesome and that he was going to "fight" for her. She was very excited and then started talking about how she was going to take the position and went on about how she didn't like her current boss, he didn't know anything about what she was trying to accomplish, never supported her and a whole slew of other negative things about him.
She now is in a twirl about whether she can buy me out of the house and how she wants to keep the house since she thinks she’ll only stay out west for a year or two. Really? I’m sure the manager would not think there’s a lot of commitment…
I think she's running as fast as she can to anywhere but near me. I guess it's really not up to me to figure out, but for her to find herself. In my heart I truly doubt she will ever will.
So I'm moving on and keeping up getting a life. She wants her freedom, independence, a divorce and all that comes with it, then so be it. I guess I'm just throwing in the towel with her and continue to piece my life back together. This has been and really is the hard part.
One positive note is that I have taken a position with the company I have been consulting at for the last five years. It's a nice feeling that not everything is falling apart at my feet.
I am also still training for the sailing race from Massachusetts to Bermuda. That race starts mid-June. I'll also be celebrating my big 50th birthday while at sea. I'm also bringing my family over to celebrate too. It's just been such a rough year for everyone and I wanted them to have something fun and positive for them to look forward to.
Peace, Sam
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, I'm glad you returned to post an update. I'm sorry your W is still pushing forward on the divorce. They all tend to be nice when they want the world to see them as great folks in front of you, as well as when they want something. They are so transparent when they do this. Unfortunately, you can't do anything to turn her around and she's going to need to see it through.
As for her position, I think you are correct in saying that there are possibly some underlying issues in that arena. She may not have gotten along very well w/boss during her mlc and this is her way out of a situation that doesn't "fit" her needs for now. Mlcers are known to have difficulties w/co-workers during their time of crisis. Yes, she's running away fast and hard, but it's not going to cure her any time soon. In fact, she'll get on the West Coast, be happy as a clam for a while and then discover that all her friends are still on the other coast and find an excuse to return, i.e., wanting to buy you out of the house...most people who are relocating w/a divorce going on would want to sell and have the cash available for relocating. She truly doesn't know what she wants.
Sam, I'm glad to see that you are still training for the race. I hope that the weather will be great and you can enjoy yourself. Having family here for the race and celebrating your big 50 is just what the doctor ordered up for you.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh sorry, if I may have misled you on a few things. She is in full throttle for the divorce now and wants this to be done before she leaves for CA.
She previously wanted to buy me out of the house, but now that her position has been delimitated she is "confused" on whether she can still afford to buy me out of the house. As she was explaining to me a few days ago, that she wants to keep “her” house, but if she goes to California the rent is so high she would only be able to get a postage stamp apartment. During her conversation (very much one sided) where she was more brainstorming how she could keep her house. She tossed out a few thing like renting it to someone (I made it clear that I would not be her renter) to maybe we should refinance and I could live in it while she was in CA. As you know we can’t really make this stuff up.
I’m honestly surprised that she even let me know that her job was eliminated. She called me out of the blue with a pretense discussion about our boat and scheduling who would get it during which weeks until it was sold.
I’m not sure what goes through her mind. Before she found out about the job, I truly think that she thought once the divorce is over, she’d come back to the house and everything would be just like it was before, except I would be gone.
I had a meeting with my lawyer about a week ago and as far as he knows she still has not provided her financial affidavit. While we were on the phone she asked me if the mediation session had been scheduled?? I didn’t say anything and she then tosses out she may need to talk to her lawyer.
She’s so far gone I don’t even know what to say anymore.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, The best advice that I can give you is to let her go and allow God to work on her. Maybe moving to CA will be the best thing for her, i.e., to get this out of her system a bit and miss what she had back East. It's all about her and what she needs to escape from her past.
Sam, keep the focus on you and what you need to do in order to survive. Above all else, stay focused on your finances, especially the settlement issues. You will need to leave your emotions at the door and think w/your head when it comes to splitting up assets, etc.
I'm very sorry that it has come to this. I do hope that you can find a way to move forward in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did finish the Mass to Bermuda race. It was awesome! It felt like it was way too short to be a race. We came in 5th out of 13 in our division and 16th out of 34 overall. Not to bad for five of the six people never have done this before.
I got home on Sunday and had several hunches that wife has launched into a PA with a new person. I arrived at the house and wife was supposed to have left my dog, oh but surprise she hadn't. About 20 minutes after I walked into the house she shows up. I really didn't want to see her so I went into another room. She followed me there and was trying to be nice and wish me a happy birthday. Something snapped and I had a melt down. I was so upset and I asked if she had a new girlfriend and she said yes and you don't know her. That they are very happy and that I needed to move on because she has. I then said (ok it was more like screamed it) she needed to leave. I know it was wrong but it all just hit me like a lead pipe. I am in so much pain --she acts like she's all in love with this new person. I did not use the need to STFU clause and just tried to hurt her as much as she is hurting me. She also had the woman on our boat and in our bed. Yeah that's a no win situation. Easy to see that now, but not so easy when she's there. Then to top it all off, her new girlfriend calls the house phone with an opening of "Hey Babe". I told her that she should call her girlfriend cell not the home phone where the wife lives and then I hung up before she could say anything back.
The next day she sent me a barrage of texts about how I scared her and threatened to take the dog. I honestly scared myself. I'm not proud of my actions they hit me by surprise too. I just want this all to be done and her gone and me to be in a better state of mind. I don't see how this can happen with her here.
Her texts were again all over the place...upset about my outburst..then she starts the "I know that you are hurting-I know this is not easy and she not trying to make it worse and that she had been trying to negotiate a divorce with me and leaving the marriage was breaking her vows and I need to accept it. I want you to be past the anger so I can be healthy and happy. Our marriage is over. That I'm not accepting the divorce I'm fighting it. She went on to say that I had not been acting like someone who wants her back. I have not done one single thing to get her back...and to not bother starting now that she is done. And finally that every time she's seen me since Nov. that I have been cold to her. The she starts to be nice and says that I have been though a lot this year and she knows she's making it a million times harder and she's sorry for the timing. We both just need to move on - we will both be better in the end. That I deserve better - someone who understands and admires me...and finally she's not keeping secrets she just doesn't want to flaunt it in y face....
I know I was totally inappropriate I'm not even going to try and say otherwise. I want to stop hurting and I cannot seem to detach enough. I honestly was in a good mood when I was coming home. She knew I what time I would be home and still she couldn't make sure she had dropped the dogs off before that and then followed me around the house after I asked her to leave several times. I did ask nice enough the first couple of times then she started with the, it's my house too routine and I just melted down.
I know this marriage is over. I'm working to accept it and not fight it. she's got a new person in her life..got it...I feel humiliated, scared and so alone. I want to be loved and love someone who appreciates our commitment together. My fear is that this will never be over even after the divorce and she will just keep on pulling me into her pain.
