It's been busy at the TVS household. Just the usual... work, kids, house, life!
H continues to be interesting. He did something the other day I think is pretty significant...
I come home from yoga a few nights ago, and H and the boys were outside. Except that S5 was in time out for not being nice to his brother.
When I asked what happened, H told me, and added, "Don't talk to him while he's in time out, he shouldn't get any attention."
This annoyed me because a. Don't give me orders and b. I'm the one who says that all the time anyway. But I didn't say anything, and went inside to shower.
At bedtime, H convinces S5 to get a shower instead of a bath - something we have been working on. It went really well, and S5 was actually very excited about it
After the boys were in bed, I told H he did a good job with S5. I reiterated how excited he was to get a shower. H seemed pleased, and added that he is also trying to work on dealing with his own anger/temper. That he knows when he gets mad at S5 he yells or puts his hands on him, and he doesn't want S5 thinking that is the way to deal with anger. That he sees S5 act like him sometimes, and he wants to be a better example.
The thing is... This is all very true. The fact that he not only recognizes it, but is working on changing it, I think is huge.
This does give me hope.
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As for me...
I feel like my emotions have been all over the place lately. I have moments where I bounce back to the thought that maybe he shouldn't be living with us. My anger and hurt resurface about him and OW. Sometimes I feel like I'm just as confused as he is.
And I acknowledge that my detachment fluctuates also. I do think I detach the best that I can with him here. It's still hard at times though.
It helps that things have been so busy - some things by choice, others just life stuff- and that the days have literally been flying by.
Tomorrow S5 has his end of the year preschool program. Both sets of grandparents will be there, plus a few cousins. H was weird last year for the program, plus I had caught him in a lie that morning, and chose not to bother confronting him about it. It was a stressful evening.
Hoping tomorrow goes better. I believe it will.
That's all for me tonight - good night
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I totally get the difficulty with staying detached...they are "here", I want to attach, try to capitalize on any forward movement...and to show the kids that things are maybe okay...then...varooooom! They are "gone" again back to whatever stage they need to play in again...lol.
I just try to think of it as a dance....
I like hearing about H being "aware" of his issues and trying to work on them...W does the same, but it's the ol' two steps forward, one step back routine.
Guess we just have to back up the truck and get a farmer's load of patience right now...
Hang in there....! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I hope everything goes well today and you can enjoy yourself.
That's a huge baby step if he's recognizing his issues and is trying to work on them. This is a positive in a big way!
Please try to leave the mlc thoughts at home today and enjoy the time you spend w/your family and friends at your son's school event.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He has talked about his R with S5 before, but I see him making a real effort now to make some changes. Time will tell if these changes stick.
I think that working on his issues with the children may be a good starting point for him as far as self reflection. After all, kids love unconditionally. He may feel "safe" in delving into his R with the boys. No questions from them, no judgement. I wish I could see things through their eyes
Have been reading a lot of HB's stuff. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority in having an MLCer at home. (T^2, FY, WH, GAL, I know you are with me ) I wonder... How can they "come home" when they never left? I realize that "coming home" can be metaphorical in nature - but still...
From HB ~
"Now listen - let him go for now, he will either wake up or he won't.
He has chosen his path with OW, and you must work on you, and forget him, at least for now.
You are still grieving your dead M, which is normal.
Concerning OW - while I agree she has her part in this, too, focusing on her will make you miserable, and give her power over you that she doesn't know about.
Focusing on your husband will keep you down, as well. As long as he is tied up in this affair, he cannot see the forest for the trees.
And you have TWO options:
Work on yourself, and wait for him to "wake up"
Work on yourself, divorcing him in the process
Your choice, as I cannot tell you one way or another.
But you need to focus on you and the children, those are the most important people right now.
You won't know what is in his mind till the time comes, if it ever does, as you are taking a chance waiting on him to "wake up".
You have no other choice, really, except to let him go, focus on YOU, and get on with your life AS IF he's not in it, and stop analyzing his every move - you'll go crazy trying to do that.
And leave everything else in the hands of The Lord."
Yep.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Good advice from HB, but the thought has crossed my mind...does your H think you are happy in this situation? I think I remember back when you told him you thought he should move out. I just wonder if he thinks this can go on indefinitely because you're happy like this. Just wondering. I know finances are a big issue in many situations, but is there a chance your H is waiting for a move from you. Only you can really know that.
Yes WH, we get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly by living with them. For me, it has been so eye opening... I have seen what an MLCer does on a daily basis. He truly didn't even try to keep up the happy go lucky facade with me - I saw his dark side very quickly...
It's not being affected by the darkness that can be tricky.
I give you all the credit in the world, because your H is really OUT THERE.
Hi UW!
There have been many discussions on the boards since I've been here on what is better - the MLCer home or not. I don't think either is easy.
They both have their advantages and disadvantages. Seems like we as the LBS don't typically get to choose which it is anyway - it seems to be chosen for us, then we take it from there and learn to deal.
Personally, I am glad (overall) that my H has been home thus far on the journey. As you said, we have been able to see each others changes. He has grown to be comfortable in the house again. His home. Our home.
But by far, the biggest reason I am happy he has been here is the boys. When he was distant, and mean, and impatient with them in the months pre and post bomb, it was incredibly hurtful. It still hurts to think about it.
But... I feel that healing has begun in that area. For him to embrace fatherhood again is an answer to my prayers. It's the embracing me/our M that is yet to be determined...
I guess that there is a fine line between cake eating and letting everything play out without interfering. I'm sure many would say my H is cake eating - and maybe he is - my opinion on that changes all the time.
For now, my decision is to continue on as I have been, loving him unconditionally, trying to see this through. Going till I can go no more. No ultimatums, no demands. He has had the space and time to work his stuff out.
It just can't be indefinitely.
Hi Gal!
I often wonder if my H ever thinks of my feelings. Part of me says no - the only feelings he really thinks about are his own. Even with OW, it's all about how she makes him feel.
But then I see the guilt - if he had no conscience, there would be no guilt. I think a part of him cares about my feelings, but he is just so messed up, that right now he's not capable of the deep emotions we feel.
And I think when he sees my happiness, it is unsettling to him. Mind reading? Perhaps. It just seems that the more I move on and grow and establish happiness within myself, the more he takes notice.
He may be waiting for me to make a move. Who knows what goes on in that brain?!?!
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The preschool show was great! S5 did a fantastic job (not that I'm biased or anything!), and I was very proud of his performance and behavior
H was pretty normal. We were trying to save a lot of seats, so he sat in the row behind me, a few seats down. Still uncomfortable sitting next to me? Maybe.
A few times during the show I couid feel him staring at me. When a glanced back, there he was - sometimes with a blank stare, sometimes with a big smile.
We all went out to dinner afterwards, and it was good. Didn't sit by me again, but didn't act bizarre like he did for his birthday.
On the way home, he said he didn't feel well, that his stomach was bothering him. Once we got home, the texting began!
At least it wasn't during our family time.
It was a nice evening, and I am grateful for the happy memory for S5. He really seemed to love having all his family there.
I'm happy it went well tonight. Going to bed at peace
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Yay..you're such an inspiration. Really, you always manage to pick yourself up and turn a negative into a positive. Sure I forgot about the MLC'ers only thinking about themselves. I remember how my H would brush past me as if I wasn't even there to be the centre of attention. Only now, 9 months later, have I felt comfortable drawing some attention to my needs..taking one small step at a time, when I feel its necessary, I remind him that I have feelings and an opinion and need some validation. He really is hopeless in that area, always has been, but he even admitted things are so much better between us, and there is a definite softening in him.
I always come here hoping to read some good news, and I guess there is, there has been lots of hope and small steps and its definitely wonderful that H is reconnecting with the boys.
