Trying to stay in it, keeps getting harder. #3

[in_it]

New thread…does anyone mind linking my last one?? Thanks.

I'm having a bad day & can't even explain why!?

Something hit me. I just started crying in the car earlier in my way home from work. I had to pull over & get it together before I picked the girls up from daycare.

H & I had a conversation on Wednesday night…
H: I hope you can handle the kids by yourself.
M: What do you mean?
H: When I'm gone. You've got to be able to keep control of everything.
M: When is that going to be?
H: I don't know? Soon. Where are you going to live?
M: I live here.
H: You can afford this house?
M: Where are you going to live?
H: Not in this state, I'm not sure?
M: Are you being transferred?
H: No, but I won't be close to here.
M: Are you just going to be gone one day? Just tell me one day your leaving? I feel like this is something that should be planned. I don't want to be blindsided.
H: I don't know? Maybe. I owe you nothing after you planned this pregnancy.
M: Please quit saying that. I did not plan this.
H: Good luck getting child support from me. You better not try to screw me.
M: It's a calculation set by the court, H.
H: When I quit my job so I won't have any income, you won't get anything from me. If you screw me, I'll screw you.
H: You don't have anything to say?
M: I'm sorry you think I'm trying or will try to screw you. We've both said since the beginning that if you do leave then we need to be civil & work together. That's what's best for the girls. Regardless of what happens we will be part of each others lives forever.
H: No we won't. How would we be?
M: We have children together. Even after they grow up there will still be graduations, weddings, grandchildren.
M: (after some silence) You also told me you would help us find a place to live that will be good for the girls & in a school district that is good.
H: That was before your big plan.
M: What is happening? You are so back & forth.
H: I don't know.
H: I've been tuning you & everything out so I don't feel anything.
M: I'm sorry you've done that, but why? If there is something there, tuning or pushing it out doesn't just make it go away. (I know, I know should've stopped at the but...)
H: I know. I'm making myself create hatred for you guys so it can be real. I make myself hate you so I won't feel it.
M: I hate to hear that, knowing you have some feeling. I know it may not be much, but something's there. I just wish you could let it out.

This conversation went on longer. We got into decision making, which I believe has a lot to do with our love languages. I'll go further into this on a later post. This one has turned into a novel.

I would love someone to breakdown the conversation for me. I desperately need some pointers.

Also, the weird thing is…after this conversation everything has been ok. We went to bed afterwards, got up the next day & went about our lives. In the past when we've talked he usually doesn't talk to me for a few days. It's odd.

[labug]

I would stay away from him as much as possible.

He's not in touch with reality right now. Keep you safe. I still think you should have someone with you when you tell him it's twins.

He wants space, give it to him. Let him go.

If he comes back, he comes back.

[adinva]

How did I miss this? It's twins? Oh In_It, wow.

I think you handled that conversation really really well. I think you're doing exactly the right thing to say "quit it," "stop saying that" when he accuses you of planning to screw him by getting pregnant. Refuse to listen to that, and continue acting with as much dignity and grace as you can. Let the courts handle the amount of child support.

I have heard of a woman whose H left, and he does move everytime she finds him, and quits jobs before she can get at the back child support he owes. Leave the haggling to the lawyers, don't even answer H's rude questions.

Be a broken record. I did not plan this. I am not trying to cheat you. I am going to do the best I can for our children. rinse, repeat.

[JuneReN]

Geez I missed
The twins bit too...sorry

Um, youre having a bad day because that was a genuinely sucky conversation.

Take Bug's advice .. It is solid. Don't engage, keep on your path. Any explanation by you does not seem to be tolerated at this point. Actually, that last convo was about 23
Sentences longer than it should have been. I would have ended after how are you going to afford it? Because that was very indicative of where this conversation was headed.....due south

[in_it]

Haha! You counted the number of sentences after the remark of being able to afford it. That's something I would do! Thank you for making me giggle a bit!

I'm off to the gym now. Girls were in the bath when I left. They will be in bed when I get home. I don't think there will be anymore talking for a while. Usually when we have a discussion about our sitch it is several weeks before anything is said again. Right now my plan is to act as if & keep on keeping on.

I hope that the weekend can be somewhat peaceful. They are always hard. Too much time around each other I suppose.

Thanks for all the feedback. If H does engage in more conversation I will keep the same tactic as Wednesday. I do think that the broken record of me telling him to stop saying that I planned this is the way to go. He is so stubborn. He has to know this was not planned. He saw me take my birth control every night. I really think he is just scared of what OW will say or do when she finds out. I know I keep going back to it, but I wish he would just tell her already.

I have some thoughts about contacting my L. I will post them later when I have time. I would love some feedback when I do.

[BrightFuture]

Wow, in_it. This must be hard to hear these kind of words from your H. He is acting like a teenager. He is trying to punish you for screwing up his plans with OW. Sick. He thinks that if he learns how hate you, his problems are going away and everything will be easy for him.

I agree with others, just keep repeating the truth like a broken record. He will have to deal with his stuff and start behaving like an adult.

[uRworthy]

In it, you keep saying the same things to him hoping for a different answer. You keep asking when he is leaving, why is he being like this, I didnt plan this pregnancy. He is not hearing you.

You could have simply said, I will take care of our children like I always have and leave the room.

Frankly, I think he is having a breakdown of some sort. And I am a little frightened of the things he is saying.

Please do not engagae in any conversations like this with him.

It is not good for you or the situation.

You keep basing your actions on him. YOu do what you need to do for your and your children regardless of what he is saying or doing.

I, let him go. Really and truly.

[labug]

in_it, you've been on my mind. I, too, am concerned for you. Pregnancy is a trigger for some men. Your H is sounding really out of control and that can lead to escalation of his abuse.

If you can, get advice/support from someone in your home area. Most communities have anonymous hotlines. You shouldn't be figuring this out all on your own.

((( )))

[in_it]

Thank you all for your responses. They are encouraging.

uRworthy-I've been been trying to get there, letting him go, for a while. Some days I think I'm there & others not so much. I believe fear is holding me back. I do think I'm ready. I just really don't want to be the one to tell him to leave. I want him to do that on his own. Knowing his state of mind now & the things he has said to me I feel that if I tell him to leave it will push him over the edge. I don't know why, but I love him. I still want this to work. I've tried so hard to get to that place of not needing him or loving him & I just can't. It sounds sick, I know. So as long as I can handle it the way I am now I guess that's the path I'll continue.

bug-I appreciate your concern so much. It really makes me think. I think I am going to tell him on Monday. I have a dr appt that day. It may be cowardly of me, but I think I might just call him & tell him over the phone. My parents are coming to town Monday evening & will probably be home before I am after work. That way I won't be home alone with him for a few days after I tell him it's twins. Thoughts?

[labug]

Sweetie, you are living in fear. I understand that you still love him and he's the father of your children but he's not the same man you married right now. You don't know this person. What he's doing is not OK.

It sounds like you have a plan, and that's good. Make sure your parents have a clear idea of what's going on.

Protecting yourself the best way you know how is not being cowardly.

Remember there is help out there.