You know the expression about not being out of the woods, yet? Well, I am just heading into the woods and it is going to be a long walk.
My husband was absolutely charming and sober when he deplaned. When we got in the car I told him I needed to speak, I had to get some things off of my chest. So, there in the parking lot I said my peace about his emotional abuse, my finding his alternate e-mail sites and want ads, his lies, his conflict about not wanting to throw the marriage away and acting as if it is already in the garbage, our dysfunctional family, his possible sexual addiction, the PTSD, the availability of help and his need for help. I told him he had to pack and move out because I couldn't live in hell anymore. I told him I couldn't fix him and I couldn't fix our marriage. He had to do it. I cried buckets of tears but I was succinct and non-combative. He was calm and definitely surprised/shocked by my words.
We talked a little on the way and then I pulled over so I could listen and speak. He finally admitted to having sex with the OW, this is a huge step. He said he felt really compulsive about his behaviour and didn't know what to do. He said the OW was trying to dump him and he couldn't let her go, not because he loved her, but because she was a challenge and if she dumped him that meant he was a failure. We talked about VietNam. He then wanted to know if I wanted him to pack that night. When he calmly said that, I was surprised because I just didn't know how he would react to being thrown out. I told him since it was already past midnight that he could wait until the AM. He said he would be worse if he had to leave. SO, I told him that if he arranged for help this week, he wouldn't have to move out. I think I said it a couple times. He went to work yesterday and then came home. I wanted to ask him if he had made any arrangements, but since I gave him a week to handle this, I didn't ask. After dinner, he told me he had talked to VA and that he needed some information from our files to take with him. He has an appointment this week to go for help. THIS IS GREAT! I am hoping for a good resolution to this, but I am aware that things may not turn out as I desire. If he sticks with this, it will take a while to turn things around.
I think I want to do Retrouvaille and I found a retreat for couples with VietNam PTSD and I want to know the truth from him. I know I cannot push for any of this right now. I know I/we have to take baby steps. His going to VA is a giant step and a baby step.
Thanks to God for all of you for your support and prayers. Thank you for your books Michele, I can truly say that I am incorporating your insights into my being. Now, we have to live through what develops. With your support, I can do this.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 06-15-99).]
