My WAW story

[JRG]

Nothing too exciting to report. W emailed me today to ask if I had anything fun planned for the weekend. I told her that I was going to a friends house to go shooting (he has a small firing range in his backyard). It was nice that she showed interest in what I was doing.

This is the 2nd time this week that she contacted me. I haven't contacted her since last Thursday. I just don't understand the WAW. Why did she seem so quick to move out of the house but still seems like she wants to keep in touch? I imagine if I were the one to leave that I'd want zero contact! Maybe because I imagine that I'd be angry. Just confusing...

[Grizz]

I so agree. W and I haven't texted about anything except kids or logistical things in a few weeks. She texted me twice today and called once for nothing important. It is nice to seem like old times but it is so confusing. I know it means nothing but why do it at all?

[JRG]

Journal:

I hate the weekends, especially Sunday. My W and I used to go to the grocery Sun morning and cook dinner together Sun night. I always enjoyed this time together.

Of course it didn't help that last night I started to have more thoughts of her in a potential affair. I try to kill these thoughts as soon as they happen but sometimes it gets the better of me. This whole thing would be easier if I could prove that she wasn't having one. But that's the problem. As long as I don't believe her word that she isn't in one (she has already said she's not) then I CANNOT prove it to myself.

I'm really trying to detach. I feel that I've made some progress over the last 2 months but I'm not even close to being there yet. I am proud that I haven't contacted her in 10 days so far. Trying to give her more space than she needs!

[JRG]

Ugh. My wife came over to pick up her car payment bill. Of course we talked a little about daily things, simple and friendly. But it bothers me sooooo bad that she really seems happy. She didn't confirm or deny (I didn't ask), it's just what I picked up. On the other side I'm desperately trying to detach and not let her affect me. She acts as if she's been there for months! Maybe I need to make excuses in the future to avoid seeing her. It just doesn't seem any good when I see her.

It seems our interactions have been the same since she's moved out...not frequent and nice and friendly. No R or future talk. I'm looking for some kind of change though. Not sure what, maybe just something to tell me that things are getting worse or getting better. I'm sick of the same. This limbo is starting to eat at me...!

[MrBond]

"But it bothers me sooooo bad that she really seems happy. She didn't confirm or deny (I didn't ask), it's just what I picked up. On the other side I'm desperately trying to detach and not let her affect me."

She's not doing anything TO you. You are affecting yourself.

"She acts as if she's been there for months! Maybe I need to make excuses in the future to avoid seeing her."

No then you're just running away.

"It just doesn't seem any good when I see her."

Again, she's not doing anything to you. You are affecting yourself in a negative way.

"It seems our interactions have been the same since she's moved out...not frequent and nice and friendly. No R or future talk."

That's a plus. You'd rather have that than argue all the time.

"I'm looking for some kind of change though. Not sure what, maybe just something to tell me that things are getting worse or getting better. I'm sick of the same. This limbo is starting to eat at me...!"

It's not the limbo that's eating you up, it's the expectations you have. You haven't been able to just let go. Learn that her actions are for herself and that the determination of whether or not they will affect you is up to you.

[AnotherStander]

But it bothers me sooooo bad that she really seems happy.

Why would that bother you? Do you want her to be sad and miserable? Does it not make you happy to see her happy? Because it should, whether that's with you or without you in her life.

On the other side I'm desperately trying to detach and not let her affect me.

If her being happy bothers you, then that is a giant red flag that you are nowhere close to being detached.

It seems our interactions have been the same since she's moved out...not frequent and nice and friendly. No R or future talk. I'm looking for some kind of change though.

Your sitch isn't even 2 months old. Mine is nearly a year old and our interactions are still at the infrequent but nice and friendly stage. You've got to drop your expectations and forget your timeline. You need to dig down and find patience like you've never had before. Be content with the way things are for now.

Not sure what, maybe just something to tell me that things are getting worse or getting better.

If you strive to change things, then they will NOT get better. They will get WORSE. Pressure never changes things for the better when dealing with a WAS.

[JRG]

Why would that bother you? Do you want her to be sad and miserable? Does it not make you happy to see her happy? Because it should, whether that's with you or without you in her life.

I guess it bothers me because it's a reminder to me that she's over me and emotionally detached. It makes it seem like she's not having a hard time with our situation.

If her being happy bothers you, then that is a giant red flag that you are nowhere close to being detached.

I fully agree. I realize that it's going to take me months to detach to the point where I need to be.

[JRG]

My counselor makes it seem like it's OK to "check in", so to speak, with my W about her current position on our R. I would really like to know why my wife hasn't yet filed for D. Would there be any non-pushy way to ask this?

Or...should I let it be as it may and work on detachment? I think I already know...

[MrBond]

"My counselor makes it seem like it's OK to "check in", so to speak, with my W about her current position on our R."

IMHO, you shouldn't do that. That puts all the power in the R on her. You need to take that power back.

Act 'As If' you've moved on.

[JRG]

I need some encouragement. It's been a week since my W and I have been in contact in any way. Today I had some thoughts that maybe my W or situation is somehow different and she needs me to pursue her a little. I feel that each passing day is making it easier for her to forget me. If this sounds ridiculous please talk some sense into me!