DBing, GALing and living oh my!

[Jeack]

I really need to remember the following quote:
"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce"

Great quote

[cbtdad]

I can immediately feel my emotions switch.

Horrible feeling isn't it...

That is something I need to get control over.

Yep. It's the feeling I have that tells me I'm not totally detached yet. I'm a lot further along then i use to be, but just that switch in emotions inside of me tells me I'm not there yet.
I'm gonna get there! And if I have to completely cutoff all talk other than son, then so be it.
I like how I feel and where I am with me when I'm not involved. So that's what I need to do

[uRworthy]

"As long as there is another man in your life I do not want to talk about anything other than what needs to be discussed about son. I hope you can respect that and please stop"
Then I AM GOING TO DO IT!!

And then you are going to do what?

The thing about a boundary is it has to be for you. To protect you and not to punish her. It also has to have an action associated with it that will has to be enforced or it means nothing.

This is something Mach wrote to JP - thought it might be helpful to you..

Wife, I will no longer allow MYSELF to be in a relationship, where my partner chooses to engage herself physically, and emotionally with another man....

If you can say this, and actually mean what you say, and your actions can back it up, then you are not stating a boundary to punish her in any way.

You are saying it to protect yourself, and the marriage.

You aren't saying who she can be friends with that way, you are only stating that IF she continues to make that choice (physically and emotionally), then you will not be around her....
Look, you have already given her your words, that you cannot have that in your life.....right ???

Now is the time for action instead of just more words.

Because you said it already, now is the time to live it.

That is what I was saying earlier. Enforcing your boundary is the most important part....

If you don't ???

They become more meaningless words from you...

So kick back, STFU, and get on with yourself for now...

[cbtdad]

That's what I meant by "I AM going to do it"
Do it for me. I do not like the way I feel. I need to do it to protect my emotional self.
I will say what Mach wrote as that is something he has told me as well.
Maybe I miss interpreted it before but I told her I would not speak of OM or her emotional problems as that was not my place. We do great when we are just talking about life in general or our son or joking about things.
But then it always lead to talking about us somehow.
I really do believe if she would agree and want to go to MC that we would have a good chance with some good guidance and direction. The good thing is SHE has stated that when we go that mean la she wants to work on it and she knows that she has to cut off all contact with OM.
Until then I think I need to cut off all communication except for what has to be said for my own good and where I feel I am at this point.
It's definitely for me, not to punish her

[Mach1]

That's what I meant by "I AM going to do it"
Do it for me. I do not like the way I feel. I need to do it to protect my emotional self.
I will say what Mach wrote as that is something he has told me as well.
Maybe I miss interpreted it before but I told her I would not speak of OM or her emotional problems as that was not my place. We do great when we are just talking about life in general or our son or joking about things.
But then it always lead to talking about us somehow.
I really do believe if she would agree and want to go to MC that we would have a good chance with some good guidance and direction. The good thing is SHE has stated that when we go that mean la she wants to work on it and she knows that she has to cut off all contact with OM.
Until then I think I need to cut off all communication except for what has to be said for my own good and where I feel I am at this point.
It's definitely for me, not to punish her

CB.....

You are still waaayyy too emotional about things, and she can flip you around like the lead cook at the Waffle House does to pancakes....


You need to just live your previous words for a while...

Do you watch your washing machine work too ???

Stop getting yanked back into this mess every day....

You can say this today, and hang out tomorrow, then say it again Sunday, then hang out on Monday....

Stop it buddy, you are only hurting yourself...

[cbtdad]

Mach,
As usual you are right on. I feel like I've come a long way in reacting on things she does or says. But inside emotionally it still drives me crazy. I have to get detached for my well being. The only way I know to do that is to cut all communication except for son.
Because you are absolutely right that she can flip me like a pancake and I will end up talking to her right away. I have decided to just act as if around her and not bring up or say anything around her other than son talk.
If she starts talking about anything else other than son, I will then use verbge you gave me.
As example, yesterday she asks how many appointments I had, how my day went, etc
Then that turns into "talking" and before you know it one of us is bringing "us and our situation up"
It's not just me that brings his stuff up.
So the only way I know how to stop is to stop communication

[jp787]

So the only way I know how to stop is to stop communication

I feel like I don't have the right to talk after my rant, but...

I face this too. I do well until I talk to W and then emotions always come up.

As only talking about kids may be the only way to manage now, I am thinking that during that time, we would need to find another solution (detachment), as you and I both know that we will talk to our W again and if nothing has changed other than avoidance, then nothing has changed.

Just talking out loud, for myself as much as you.

[cbtdad]

JP, you always have the right to comment. I know there will be things said here and there and it's not like I can go silence. But I know the best way to compete detachment for me is to stop being there for her and let her grow up and do for herself. Problem with being a fixer is its hard, but for me I must and I will.
JP, keep commenting on people's posts. You might just find that's what helps you out. Go out and volunteer!!! Trust me, it's what you need. Helping others will help you right now immensely. No excuses, go do it.
I have mentored my BIL during this time apart from his sister and it has been so rewarding watching him grow the way he has. I am so proud of him.
He said to me the other day that he wished he could help me the way I have helped him. I said, "Winston you have helped me so much. You are inspiring to me. It shows me people can change. Just keep doing what your doing"

[Mach1]

The only way I know to do that is to cut all communication except for son.

Is that what you want ?

Or what you can handle at this time ??


If it is what you want, then you should read the link to the >>> LRT <<< I posted on Spartan's thread....

If it is all that you can handle, then there are ways to do this, without being an asshat.

Where is that fine line for you ???

Maybe....

Wife, I understand that you want to talk about this right now, and maybe in the future, that can happen. Until then, these talks rarely go well for me, and I would rather not have them.


And then you disengage, with your "as if".....


????

[Negril72]

The good thing is SHE has stated that when we go that mean la she wants to work on it and she knows that she has to cut off all contact with OM.
Until then I think I need to cut off all communication except for what has to be said for my own good and where I feel I am at this point.
It's definitely for me, not to punish her

Did you come and say to her that you would take her back? that you forgave her for being with the OM??
I am just curious because our timelines are very similar.. and of course my W has OM in her life.. but they don't live together or anything like that.