All I can tell you is that my W is still in house, and MY sanity intact, BECAUSE I realized that I cannot, in all reality, control what my W does...I can only control myself and my reaction...and so I pretty much let the online activity go since January 2012, turned a somewhat "blind eye" to it. I let HER figure it out HERSELF.
Even with the PA, I have put it in the past, felt my anger, hurt, insecurities, etc, and felt through them...gotten over myself and my bruised ego.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I will only offer, as T^2 indicated above, to keep it really simple and open, if you do bring it up.
I would suggest only saying something to the effect of, "I am curious about tat-boy. What do you find so interesting about him?"
She may come to any number of conclusions about that question. Then again, she's likely to come to the same conclusions if you said it in 100 words or 1000 words, as well. So no need to waste your breath or keystrokes.
Then, be very liberal in your use of STFU. If she stonewalls, that's your answer (she's not willing to speak about it). If she says anything, listen... validate... and say nothing until you can get away and process that info for at least 48 hours.
There's nothing to discuss. It would be purely for gathering info.
Ahhhh, I get it! In our MC session, this was essentially what we were told. I need to shut up and not bail her out by rephrasing the question or helping her answer, and she needs to actually answer and not just avoid conflict.
I am not going to say anything at this time, unless it is put so in my face that I feel compelled to (what this would be, I don't know, but if we were on another date night and she was looking at his pics in front of me, I think I would now say something).
I have to fly out early Monday for business and won't be back until Thursday, a couple hours before MC, so my goal is to have a great weekend, avoid this issue and the anxiety from it by avoiding FB, and be a husband any woman would be a fool to leave!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
So, am I missing a chance to give her a bit of alpha male by confronting this?
I don't think this is the right thing to do. If this is not you, and not somebody you want to be, why pretend? At the moment your W may have a fantasy of this type of guy but if you mimic this or act this way and she does come out of MLC wanting to see you as she left you, you will have been acting like the guy she's no longer is interested in. Hope that makes sense? I read in a book that trying to be like the OM is the worst thing you can do, as you are becoming the worst possible version of yourself.
Don't get me wrong, I often wonder what my W sees in the OM, and think I should try and be like that. But then, she fell in love with me when I was myself (yes possibly a better version of the person I had been up to BD) so maybe thats all i need to be.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Thing is 2.4, I am in charge at work and have previously been elected to positions in our community. I think my wife likes that part of me and maybe that is the alpha male she is looking for more of. I am not going to tat my name across my chest, like this douchebag, or become a fighter or some of the other alpha male things he and the book character represents, but I think there is a point to be made that I could be a bit more alpha in my personal life than I am (historically, she was the alpha at home and I became less so over the years).
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Yeah I see what you are saying. So less about being like him, and more about doing a 180?
Quote:
I am not going to tat my name across my chest, like this douchebag
your kidding me right? is that in case he forgets what his name is? - if so I hope its written backwards so he can read it in the mirror. So that would probably be 'reknaw'.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Hi guys. I too struggled with the whole Alpha Male thing.
Was I loosing my W because I wasn't being alpha enough? I even read books on the subject.
Here's the thing. An alpha male is confident in just being himself. He doesn't go around doing alpha things, (if there's even such a thing) or worry about if he is or isn't being alpha enough.
Just be yourself, or better still, your new improved self, and be confident and strong about it.
And no walking around on eggshells, Ok? I think this is the most non-alpha thing we can do.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
- if so I hope its written backwards so he can read it in the mirror. So that would probably be 'reknaw'.