DBing European Style, part 2

[2chiquitos]

Hi Papa4Life,
I hope today is better. About the sudden locked doors from your wife regarding nudity, remember a woman sees her body(nude) differently than a man. A man (generally speaking) will feel more comfortable walking around nude than a woman. After BD I also covered up. I no longer saw him as my partner but a stranger. It's a quick way of detaching so don't take it personal.

[Fartiltre]

Hi P4L
I am so impressed with you and your detachment. I am not even close to starting this process and you seem to have gotten through it in a moment!
You are doing good but one advice: Next time beat her to the bathroom and just get in there first!

The thing I fear the most in all of this is the upcoming convo with the kids. I think about it all the time and right now I am down to:
- She will have to take responsibility – she is the one that leaves.
- I will take my part for not being a good H but I am not the one leaving.
- I will do everything in the world to hold this talk until a week or two before she moves. This means pressure, documentation and everything. I will do everything for the children – even if this means losing chance of R.

I really do hope that you find a satisfying solution to this one!

Hi Anniekate, thanks for your post. I think you've hit on something there at the end: they have just been thinking about it for so long, they've just GOT to take action. Perhaps for fear of losing their nerve?

I think this is so right. I have been having this thought for some time now!

[Papa4Life]

Well, it looks like no amount of persuading is going to get my W to change her mind about telling the kids tonight. Not that I ever really thought I could change her mind -- about this, about D, or about anything else for that matter. That's always been my biggest complaint in our STBXM.

I'm really busted up about this. Thank heavens I've got my trip coming up on the 31st. I am in desparate need of some R&R.

I mentioned to W that I didn't think it was a good time to tell them. I want to wait until shortly before anything happens that will *directly* affect them, like if I move out or things like that. I also mentioned that I wanted to let them know that this wasn't my decision, and that I wanted to stay and work on a new R. W dismissed both ideas.

I went upstairs and looked around on the net for tips on telling the kids, and I saw a couple of things that said it should be presented as a joint decision. So having read that, I think I'll just go with that approach. At any rate, what I have to say after W drops the D-bomb on them is irrelevant. I want to listen, answer questions, and reassure them that they will be okay and that I love them so much it's ridiculous.

In lieu of telling them, I told my W -- probably for the last time -- that I don't want this and that I think we should stay and work on the M, but that I'll accept it because I want her to find happiness.

I also said that I'm looking inward and trying to work on changes and that what I want most of all is to become a better person and a better father for our 4 kids.

Any feedback, tips, or encouragement would be appreciated perhaps more than at any time until now. Thx.

[T1000]

It must be hard when you want say how it actually is.
Telling your kids that you want to R and she doesn't I imagine would make it harder for the kids to understand.
Also makes her look like the baddy in the kids eyes. Your fighting to keep things as they are she is fighting to tear it all apart.

How you handle this could change the way the kids see their mother. For the sake of your kids I think your gonna have take this bullet for now.

[Papa4Life]

Thanks, T. I got some feedback on this board saying it's fine to say that you would prefer to work on the R to the kids, so I was considering it. But the more I looked around, and after speaking to the STBXW, the more I realized that it would be counterproductive on all fronts.

I'm going to go the let's-make-this-as-easy-as-possible route.

[Papa4Life]

So, we just got finished telling the kids about the D. I actually could see the exact moment when my kids' hearts broke in half.

My S asked my W if we would still be best friends and broke down. I had to leave the room for a minute. My D9 ran upstairs crying.

I'm going to keep talking to them and reassuring them.

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[in_it]

I'm thinking of you Papa4Life. Hang in there. I can't even imagine the feeling. Keep posting, getting those emotions out helps. Hopefully you can share some good moments with your kids over the next couple of days. ((((( )))))

[T1000]

Sounds tough P. Just be there for your kids and do your best.
I will be thinking of you.

[2chiquitos]

Be the rock for your kids! It's all you can control right now, YOU!

[Fartiltre]

Hi P

I was so hurt when I read your posting! This is simply not fair to the children...but you have already stated that so well.
I think you did what you had to and you did it well. I am just sorry that it came to this for you.
I hope you and kids will get together on good grounds the days to come and that the hurt will diminish.

I like the way you went about this - keep the road smooth! The post I wrote to you about this subject is currently my standings but these have been posted by a VET in here. What I don't know is how I will be able to handle the actual situation - you did well!

I hope the best for you and the kids!