what I mean by having a talk with him is a in my opinion much need r talk.
I'm not feeling all that great about things and yes some of it is MY OWN things to deal with but I would like to be able to discuss openly h's a, the seperation etc. I don't want to beat a dead horse but for me the hourse isn't dead and I'd like to be able to talk to him about my feelings and questions that still remain in that regard.
First, I've been changing my tune a bit lately with H. NO talk about the A, no talk about my needs--just tons of mushy sentimental romantic sweet stuff. It doesn't come easy to me but...guess what? It's starting to come back to me.
Second...what is it with folks and pro sports???? You folks get as excited about the Superbowl as I do about Canoe Races! Any chance I can enlist the help of you all to DO SOMETHING about those stupid names like Redskins and Indian-type Mascots??? You have no IDEA how degrading that is for us!
I thought so much about you and some of the other "Piecers" here when I saw a show about ED. One of the studies was about impotence and one of the others was about low-libido in men. Both issues are the focus of big clinical tests and drug evaluations. Viagra and Levitra are the comercials you see today, but within the next few years, I bet you will see pro-sports stars doing commercials about some new inhalant drug that jump-starts the male libido.
First, I've been changing my tune a bit lately with H. NO talk about the A, no talk about my needs--just tons of mushy sentimental romantic sweet stuff. It doesn't come easy to me but...guess what? It's starting to come back to me.
I've done plenty of the no talking about stuff and it does work but then I feel like I'm just throwing it under the carpet and then one of us will be bound to trip over it.
Second...what is it with folks and pro sports???? You folks get as excited about the Superbowl as I do about Canoe Races!
hey don't blame me, if not for h's enthusiasm for sports I probably wouldn't care at all, other than just plain home team pride
Any chance I can enlist the help of you all to DO SOMETHING about those stupid names like Redskins and Indian-type Mascots??? You have no IDEA how degrading that is for us!
sorry my local teams are "the celtics" "the red sox" "the patriots" and "the bruins" no tamahocks in the group..wonder if the irish get bothered with the celtics use of the little leprachaun? I suppose not. Sorry that you find it demeaning I don't think it is intended that way at all.
I thought so much about you and some of the other "Piecers" here when I saw a show about ED. One of the studies was about impotence and one of the others was about low-libido in men. damn! wish I had seen them. Both issues are the focus of big clinical tests and drug evaluations. Viagra and Levitra are the comercials you see today, but within the next few years, I bet you will see pro-sports stars doing commercials about some new inhalant drug that jump-starts the male libido. someone posted about clinical trials for an inhalant for libido boosting in the ssm forum. Yes I'm sure there will be lots of stars doing the advertising they already are big with the others I believe one of the catch phrases they use is "stay in the game"
ended up talking with h last night. Some of it went well and of course some of it went not so well when h's natural defensiveness kicked in.
h still denies any pa with ow.
here's the good news...ow will not be a customer next year!! the bad part of that is h knew this for a few months and didn't bother to tell me that 1. they talked 2. she would no longer be a customer. instead it came out of my inquiry...h realizes that it would have been more productive had he told me as soon as he knew...but I'll take it anyway!!
I thought a little about your question last night, but have felt so emotionally drained just recently I couldn't come up with anything constructive to say.
My problem seems to be sort of the opposite of a lot of people's here - no H at home, adamant he will never return, but now all nice and sweet and friendly and even honest...and apologetic
Maybe I could be more constructive next week when I have got over the hump of the legal separation.
Just one thing. I think statistically it is unlikely that your H didn't have a PA with OW; if he left your home and M. But, if he didn't, then he's in a no win situation. If he contines to tell you he didn't, you will never believe him totally, as you are really waiting for him to 'confess', and then presumabley you would drop it?
I think you have to accept that leaving you for OW, even without a PA is pretty serious stuff, and just as inappropriate, and leave it at that.
It's like, I know my H and OW had a PA, but I do not wish to know any further details of the physical aspect, as where will it get me?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Just one thing. I think statistically it is unlikely that your H didn't have a PA with OW; if he left your home and M. But, if he didn't, then he's in a no win situation. If he contines to tell you he didn't, you will never believe him totally, as you are really waiting for him to 'confess', and then presumabley you would drop it?
yes it seems he may be in a no win situation if in fact he didn't have a physical r with ow. but of course it's the "statistics" and common beliefs held by society that put him in that position.
If he did infact have a pa with ow well then why the hell not be honest about it?
he has admitted to having an ea with her and knows that I stuggle with accepting there was no pa so why not spill it if there is more?
is he protecting himself or me by not telling all?
NOPE at this point he is hurting himself and the m and I've expressed such thoughts to him and still nada!
so then wich is it?
believe the statistics and wait for full disclosure?
or
believe h and forget the statistics and pre conceived notions of what people do and don't do in extra marital relationships?
of course I don't know what to believe and I hate it.
have you considered all the possibilities and the potential outcomes? What would be different about you sitch, marriage, life if:
1. h tells you no PA and you believe him and he's telling the truth
2. h tells you no PA and you don't believe him and he's telling the truth
3. h tells you no PA and you don't believe him and he's lying
4. h tells you no PA and you believe him and he's lying
Know what I mean?
What would be different based on the above scenarios? Would YOU do something different?
If you'd still STAY no matter what -- why not live with belief in h?
If you'd leave...would you? Can't make h disclose something that didn't happen and if he did disclose something NOW how'd you know it wasn't to just stop the wonder? (So...there are 4 more possibilities starting with...
5. h says yes to PA and you believe him and he's lying
etc)
I'm sure that sounds silly but I just gotta wonder...you may never, ever know..is it changing how you live?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
tis the problem sage I have pondered all the differing scenarios and I am still at a loss.
example...
if I believe h that it was never a pa and it was, well then I'm believing a lie.
if I don't believe h in that it was never a pa and it wasn't well then I'm not being fair to h or myself.
I have pondered the what if h suddenly says it was a pa...of course I'd believe him but as you mention he could also then be lying just to stop me from wondering and allowing me to move on. If he suddenly changed his story and wasn't lying about it, sure it would hurt but it would also be a relief...I would no longer have to wonder about it...I would no longer have to deal with the conflicting thoughts/beliefs about it etc. AND I would feel more comfortable in the r because h being honest would imply his being comfortable and feeling safe enough in the r to do so.
what would I do different?
I'd be confident one way or the other...tough to defend h when it is "statistically proven" that it was infact a pa. There are of course many who also believe him or aren't sure what to believe just as there are those that don't believe him at all. of course I know what other think doesn't really matter. Most importantly I would feel closer to h if he felt close enough to me to be honest about it. Of course he could very well be being honest about it already and I'm just expecting him to be a dirty lying pig like the rest of the men in this world.
Is it changing how I live?
not entirely but as I said above it would be a relief to have proof one way or the other...kinda like waiting for test results ya know?
After reviewing your sitch, here's my 2 cents worth:
I think you just have to trust he is telling you the truth and move on in that trust. The contant internal questioning seems to keep you "stuck." I know that seems harsh....but you have gained so much ground, from my perspective.....get unstuck! If someday, it turns out differently....he will confess the whole truth. I believe he NEEDS you to trust him now and go forward with that trust. Sounds like you are fooling yourself? Maybe...but try it out longer....convince him you believe in him and all he is telling you. If there is more buried inside him, he may come forward. If not....you then have to know you are on the right track.
Hang on and get through this thick MUD...it seems to be slowing your process.
I don't want to give myself permission to believe that h is being honest about the ea not being a pa especially if doing so means that somewhere down the line (and most likely once I get completely comfortable in that belief) a different story is told.
I will chose to allow myself to believe h is telling the truth about the ea not being a pa.
I will not allow my m to remain "stuck" while I wait for a different story and I will not allow myself to remain "stuck" based upon some fear that if I do believe h is telling the truth I will at some point down the line once comfortable with that belief have it pulled away from me with some new confession.
no sense in keeping myself stuck based on a possibility.
so then I forge ahead accepting that h is telling the truth.
