New to this ...

[PatientMan]

Just reading through your posts and offering my own humble advice:

She said "tonight my sister also wanted to go up to a nightclub to watch a country singer we both like. are you alright with that?". Now this nightclub has a serious reputation for a middle-aged pickup joint. We both have never been ones to ever go out and do this. In fact she has always said she prided herself on never stepping foot in that place. I couldn't say anything for about 10-15 seconds. And then I said ... I have changed this about me and I would never tell you not to go, but I have serious reservations because of the dangerous territory this could lead considering our situation. I know she is in a weird place right now, so it scares me.

This doesn't affect you because you are an emotional rock. Expect the unexpected, and none of it phases you.

Also back when the B dropped she said dont change because I dont want the kids thinking something is weird and dad is being overnice, so when we possibly do sep, it wont look like the she is the bad guy. I ignored that obviously...

Good. Don't let anybody get in the way of becoming the man YOU want and need to be. If you can be a better dad, then BE A BETTER DAD. If in some twisted universe that makes her look worse, that's her problem, not yours. You are not going to NOT improve yourself because she wants you to.

Figure out who YOU want to be, and take the steps you need to take to BE THAT MAN. Don't let anybody or anything get in your way or get you off track.

Don't want W to know I'm reading it, and dont want to ask her to read it right now.

Don't ask her to read it.

I know this other married person she has feelings for and their family since our kids play on the same soccer team. She said in 2 months she tried to forget her feelings for him. She also said nothing progressed past talking, but I just dont understand how you can make a decision like that with the limited time they had to see one another...

I'm telling ya, our situations are eerily similar. OM was an acquaintance of mine and our kids were in the same class, did activities together, went camping with the YMCA group, etc.

She comes homes and I tell her I have no intentions of hurting my kids or the family anymore over this, and we are in no place right now emotionally even deciding anything or certainly talking to them. She is relieved and thanks me?!? - like I would ever do anything but that. I am looking to ultimately spare them any pain, but it might not be possible. I also say the OM's wife called me. She gets angry about me being controlling and accuses me of calling her and I assure her that she called me and also what her husband promised to his wife. This sets her off even worse and storms out of the room. She cools down and comes back to talk.

Let her find out information like this for herself rather than telling her. Quiet confidence is your friend.

She calls and she asked why i was being nice and did I know that the OM called her? I said I wasnt being overly nice, but I wanted to just make peace for now and get through this without creating a bad home environment. And yes I knew he was going to eventually call you because he promised me he would. She said so you know what he said then, and I said, I know what he promised he would say. She said he did not want to break up 2 families and that he could no longer see or talk to anymore. At that point I was feeling for her in some weird way and I paused and said "I know this is very hard for both of us in different ways, but I wouldnt be human if I didnt say Im sorry your hurting. Right now I just want us to figure out how to move forward which ever path that is." And she said she had to go and I agreed because I was late for work.

Excellent job.

She will try to take the EA to a more hidden level. Especially if the OM has told his W that he won't leave his M.

Listen to sandi2. Not just about this, which is exactly how it went down for me, but about everything.

I was thinking of just calling and saying ... "I really don't want to put you in the middle, but I think your sister really needs you right now as I'm not sure she is in a good state at the moment. Im not going to explain the details, I will leave that to her but I understand where she's at with me and I have come to accept that but she just doesn't seem to be ok. Could you give her a call, she may need to just hear you say it will be ok regardless of what happens."

I know this violates one of the 37 rules but does this sound off base? Nevermind this does sound bad, doesnt it.

Yes, it's a bad idea. Be quiet.

In the next sentence she says that she is not sure how this will turn out but we should start talking to our therapists about what the reality of the situation. I said I have a session today and I plan on talking about how t deal with the kids during this but also I still need to focus on me getting my issues addressed.

Stop talking to her about your therapist and HOW you are improving yourself. Just do it.

btw - I noticed W didn't wear her rings yesterday.

It doesn't matter. You are an emotional rock and that stuff doesn't bother you.

This morning was rough after our talk last night. She looked at me for a couple of seconds. I wrongly bit and I said sorry for what I said about im done and letting you be happy ... but its the truth.

Don't bite. Learn from it and move on - don't beat yourself up over it.

The only controlling has been me trying to save my family.

You are justifying/rationalizing bad behavior. "Bad" as in: not what you should be or want to be doing.

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Your world is spinning, you might be grieving and possibly depressed, life in general just SUCK5 right now...I don't know and I won't try to analyze you. I just want to point out that this too, shall pass. It may not feel like it, but it will eventually.

Take the steps you need to take to be the man you need to be. Focus on yourself and the kids. Stop trying to save your marriage because your marriage is dead. Maybe that's harsh, but even if you reconcile it'll be a new relationship, not the old one.

-PM