"I deeply regret how I treated you on Wednesday. I am very sorry."
after a few beats or some talking
"Can you forgive me?"
Wow T, your thread is moving so fast it's hard to keep up! First, understand that when you apologize, a generic apology like the above will have no impact on your W. You have to be specific. And you have to validate at the same time. So for example, let's say her mom was sick and she wanted to go see her but you told her no, she needed to stay home and do the laundry instead because she's been running behind as it is and you're tired of waiting. This is obviously something that might make her mad. If you apologize by saying "I deeply regret how I treated you. I am very sorry." She's likely to think "he doesn't even know what he did wrong, he totally doesn't get it and now he's just trying to cover his butt with a generic apology to get what he wants (IE, laundry). Instead, you should say "I would like to talk to you about our argument, do you have a minute?" If she does, then sit down with no distractions, and say "I can tell what I said upset you, can you tell me how that made you feel?" THIS is validation, trying to get someone to talk about their feelings and then letting them know you understand their feelings and value them. DO NOT reason/ explain/ justify/ agree/ disagree/ argue. She might say "it made me mad and upset, my mom is sick and you don't even care!" You DON'T say "of course I care!" (that is invalidating her comments). You DO say "I can tell you're mad and upset, I'm sorry I made you feel that way and I will work hard at not letting it happen again." DO NOT expect to apologize and then "get your way" (IE, your laundry done). You've got to apologize, validate, then do a 180 and honor what SHE wants, not what you want. So you can talk about things like how you can help with the laundry or otherwise work something out so she can see her mom.
Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Yes, she did do the opposite of validation she discredited your feelings. Which the WAS will commonly do and the way you were seeking validation wasn't the best way? You made her feel like she MuST see how you felt.
If you don't agree, you can say " I see that you are upset about that". Or " I can see how you might feel that way".
Sometimes people just want to be heard. My ex used to discredit my feelings all the time. I never received validation and I felt like he just didn't care. I'm guilty of discrediting his feelings too, when he would complain about something so minute when I might have been dealing with something huge. Then I realized it might have not been so minute to HIM.
Exactly. And T1000, to reiterate, the WAS is never going to validate the LBS, so just put that thought out of your head. Don't ever ask a WAS to honor, respect or even listen to your feelings, it's just not going to happen. She discredits your feelings, well you have to accept that as the sitch you're living with for now. But YOU can't ever discredit HER feelings, YOU have to VALIDATE her feelings. Always.
Originally Posted By: kingdl
I don't know if this will help or not. My wife does not care how I feel (right now). I used to think that if I told her how I felt or that I was feeling the same way she was that it would validate her feelings and make her feel less alone. It doesn't.
Right now, she doesn't care about my feelings. Instead, when she hears me talk about my feelings it makes her think that I'm not trying to understand her feelings. It also makes the point that my feelings are more important than hers. Intent does not matter.
When my wife wants to talk about her feelings, I let her. If I need to talk about my feelings, I find someone else. It was my 180. My wife could not (and cannot) handle her feelings and my feelings at the same time.
It does not seem fair that my feelings don't matter to her right now. No one ever said it was supposed to be fair though. Be there for her. Don't expect her to be there for you.
