OK, so you let your H know your wishes regarding how / where you receive the papers. Even though you have not received them yet, do not bring it up to him. And while you may hope that maybe he won't send them to you, which IS a possibility, don't expect that you won't receive the papers. Do your best to just let that go, for now. Deal with it if / when it happens.
It may certainly feel like the sitch can't turn around, and again, there is the very real possibility that eventually you will be D.
Continue to move yourself forward as best you can. It isn't easy, but it will get better. And there may not be a fairy tale ending, but there is always the chance that you could R.
Concerning, LRT...I think that I have technically been doing this for a while. At the beginning of our separation, H would call me late at night, or just at random times. I wouldn't answer, and he eventually stopped. Now we do not speak, unless for business purposes, or apparently if I run into him randomly. I discovered awhile ago, that trying to keep contact with him, just proved to hurtful for me. He would answer the phone, but just go out of his way to be rude, or speak to me as it I was bothering him. So I think, that even though it was not my decision, I'm firmly in LRT. Do you think, I should try and speak with him? From what I know, he is still w/th OW
It just seems like this can never turn around...
I hear this. This is very similar to my sitch...but KD is right when he says...
Quote:
It may certainly feel like the sitch can't turn around, and again, there is the very real possibility that eventually you will be D.
Continue to move yourself forward as best you can. It isn't easy, but it will get better. And there may not be a fairy tale ending, but there is always the chance that you could R.
You should keep hope if that is what you want...there is always a chance to R as KD says.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I agree with you Kaffe, I am going to take the papers when they come. Instead of every time, I open my mailbox (allowing my heart to jump out of my chest). I have a lawyer ready. So at this point this is all I need to do. It's been 7 months, and the whole time he has been going on & on regarding a divorce. So until I see something different, it's business as usual. Lots of namaste, and big glasses of wine ahead.
Going to try to take even more focus off of H, but that is so hard. However, I'm going to give it an honest try. I'm struggling, because I am worried about him. That last run-in with him...He just doesn't look well, or happy (as he so likes to put it). Just imagine, a crumpled paper bag. I wonder if he was embarrassed that I saw him looking so bad? Do you think it a good idea, to have one of his friends reach out to him? Answering my own question, probably not. I know this is his journey, and these are his lessons to learn.
BRNR, has your H mentioned divorce?
I guess, the question of the hour is...how do you keep hope alive, while moving forward with your life? It seems to me that you're either hoping, praying, and doing lots of yoga. Or you're planning your next relationship.
I wonder if I have done this all wrong, and should have tried to talk to him? Should have answered the phone on those late nights, should have fought him harder on his separation idea. I think sometimes, because I have not made a scene, or reached out to tell the OW, exactly what I think of her...in his fog (literally his smoke induced fog), that somehow he thinks that I allowed this to happen, so therefore I agree with him??
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
When BD first happens, LBS get into a spiral of panic and worry that the end is upon us. Eventually, many find that the end... never arrives... days, weeks, months and even years later... same ol' same ol'... Lots of promises and idle threats from the WAS about the impending doom... the sky is falling, says chicken little...
A member recently posted the anecdote story about the man who, when arriving at pearly gates, asks God why God did not save him from the flood that ultimately took his life, and God replies that He sent a life boat and helicopter and was surprised the man did not take that salvation.
Hope is like that...
We can HOPE for our M to be saved... which requires us to continue doing the work on ourselves. Every challenge, every setback, and every positive is an opportunity to learn and grow. By growing when the opportunity arises, or creating those opportunities to grow, we can believe that the growth CAN possibly save our M...
Therein is one's hope.
Keep working on yourself and your growth WILL lead to a better future... which MIGHT include saving your M.
Well, the other shoe dropped today. I got a call from the sheriff this morning. He was calling to tell me that he was a few blocks away from my job, and wanted to give me the paperwork. I wasn't there, so at this moment, I do not have them in hand. However, I know that tomorrow, will probably be ,"D," day.
A little shocked that I asked him to have the paperwork brought to my house. Then again, nothing that I ask for even seems to matter anymore. So again, shouldn't continue to let him hurt me. So more detaching is in order! Not snooping, but he popped up on my instant messenger today. His status says, I don't want to go to heaven, none of my friends will be there. Sums up, his current mental status pretty well. And yes, for the first time I think that it is a good idea, that i am nowhere near him right now. He's just not the same guy
While in theory, thinking that there could be R after our divorce is a nice thought. For me, I decided long ago, that once everything was final. That will signify this is end of my standing, and time for me to let this relationship go. I will be praying, and standing until then, but I just can't imagine that I will be able to come back from a divorce. I know how devastating it can be. My parents were divorced, and both of them have never fully recovered. I also don't think they have ever actually forgiven each other either
Heading to the beach tomorrow, water is always good for me. Then I am heading south, my friend's bought me a ticket home this weekend to visit them. I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Must have done something right
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
So you will likely be served, today. I think you have the right idea as far as GAL at this time. While you may not feel like it once the papers are in your hand, do try to carry out your GAL, as planned.
This part of the process will have to play out as it does. One thing that is important to note is, you will have your respond by dates. Be sure to take all the necessary time to consider your responses.
Well the other shoe has finally dropped. I got the official divorce papers on Friday. I had a friend with me, so it wasn't as bad as I was fearing (the margaritas, that I had beforehand..definitely helped).
Considering, that I had gotten served divorce papers, it was actually a nice day. The next day, I got a plane went to visit my friends...Much needed, really looking forward to seeing my family this upcoming weekend.
Just one question, where is the relief? I have been dreading this for so long, I finally have them in hand, and I feel more anxious than ever
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
1. H filed the night after I saw him on the train. I find that really interesting.
2. H put that we have been living in separate residences since 8/5. This is the time frame, that I left for a week, just to give him the space that he was asking for. As a side note, before I had confirmation about the OW. Lost in the fog? Or wishful thinking? Granted he was in and out, and we were in separate rooms, but I didn't actually move out until October.H actually stayed there, the night before I moved out??
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
It is good that you had a friend with you to help support you when you got served. It probably also helped that you already knew they were coming, and approximately when. It wasn't a surprise.
As with anything pertaining to the D particulars, do try to think of this as strictly a business transaction. Things about details such as dates and times are good to note. Just try to think of them as strictly facts of note, rather than having meaning.
In the mean time, keep working on yourself and moving forward in positive ways. This is not the end, just another process that may or may not end in D.
Consult with your attorney about whether the separation date makes any difference for you. If you both resided in the house after that, then the date obviously isn't accurate. But would you gain anything by disputing it?
(Possible gains - if changing the separation date means the difference between 10 years married versus 9 3/4 - would be important re: social security. If he got some big bonus at work earned after that date but before you actually separated. Etc.)
If there's no financial reason to dispute the date, and it's just a matter of him wanting to hurry up the process - I wouldn't fight it. But definitely check with your attorney.
