I understand KD and I will be there cheering loudly, that was never an issue. And, I will have fun, it is a great group of parents.
W does want more spontaneity but with kids, that has been tougher to do. I used to be good at it, but not so much lately.
On a really positive note, I was in a two hour meeting and when I came out W had texted me "My review went well. Coworker took tickets. I will make it up to you!" That was nice to see.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
It was indeed. I had six hours in the car today and it was a much better ride home than there...
On the spontaneity, I used to surprise her fairly often. I would line up sitters, or her mom, and set up overnights, date nights, etc. I used to do a lot of cards, notes, etc. I think the reason I stopped was resentment on my end that it was all one way. Would it kill her to write me a nice card or letter? Or buy me a small gift? Or set something up all on her own? I see her write nice cards to her friends, and she will make heavan and earth move to do something she really wants to do, but there is a blind spot for her where I am concerned and it burned me out.
She did say tonight that she has something planned for making up to me for making the play, so that was encouraging. And we did go walk the dog tonight, which I love. Life's little victories, right?
Therapy tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to. I still think she has forgotten based on her folks coming over, but we shall see.
CB
PS - Thanks again KD for your help!
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
W didn't forget about therapy today, she mentioned this morning that she might be 5 minutes late, and I was happy to hear that.
Weird thing is, this experience has caused me to value the role my in-laws play in our lives more than before. I think it is because I see now that she has cut back on her contact with them over last several months as she has dove deeper into her fantasies and depression, and that she knew they would support us staying married and working things out. Just a theory, but I am looking more forward to them visiting later today than normal.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Appreciate the positives I have seen, W is saying ILY more without responding to me, thanked me for great Mother's Day, texted me yesterday after our disagreement about this weekend, and is continuing to go to MC together.
Also, listen to counselor and trust him and the process. He knows what is going on and has seen this many times. Let him get us to the point where we can confront some of the issues.
And, listen, listen, listen!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Good MC session today. It was the first time I felt like we were moving past "therapy small talk" and really getting down to business. Our guy continues to be, in my opinion, an angel sent by God to help us through this. He has my W and I both pegged and is doing the right things. My only wish is that sessions were longer than an hour as it seems that just when we are getting started, the hour is up. But, if it was longer, my conflict-avoiding W might not want to participate.
Time to grill some steaks...
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
It is also an illusion. My inlaws are here and we had a great dinner. W is sitting on a chair in our kitchen, MIL is on chair next to her. I can see that W is on her phone, on tat-boy's page on FB clearly in the reflection in the mirror and talking about how she is downloading a box from amazon, WHILE HER MOM IS SITTING ON THE CHAIR NEXT TO HER! How can I not say anything? I feel like a fraud, enough is enough! This is so blatant, I don't know how I can keep my mouth shut and maintain any self respect?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I didn't say anything, but I don't know how long I can not and I know that I was not very talkative and outgoing when she was getting ready and came to bed. Hard to be when you feel like you are going to puke. When it is that much under your nose, I start to question how she can have dignity and respect for me? How can I have it for myself? I almost said "we talked in therapy about the importance of being honest with each other. I want you to know, you can talk to me about anything, and as long as you are totally honest with me, I will listen and not judge. But if we are going to be able to really make therapy work, I need to ask you about tat-boy and how he fits into you wanting to move to XYZ city and into what we have been going through the past few months. Please tell me everything." I am starting to think that the fact that she thinks I don't know is part of what is driving the secrecy and driving it further into "exciting obsession" territory.
The other weird thing to me is that this was literally on the day of therapy. Last week, same thing, we had MC on Thursday and Friday morning she is posting a picture of him on FB. It is like she is using this as a way to dig deep and really move forward with us emotionally.
Thoughts?
CB
PS - It was partially the thought of letting all of you down that kept my mouth closed.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
BTW, I know some of you have become frustrated with me bringing this same thing up. I am listening to you and have really focused on GAL and being a H no woman would want to leave. And, we have made some progress. I have stopped going on her phone or kindle for a while (her kindle is in our bedroom right now and she is working out, if I wanted to I would have over an hour to read through everything on her FB page). But doing it in front of me again (she was looking at the same pics sitting in the passenger seat on the way home from a wonderful date night dinner a couple weeks ago) feels almost like a cry for help. And if I don't say something to tie it back to our MC and the progress we are making, does it lower her impression of me in her eyes?
Put another way, the 50 bad-boy books she read over the past few months that had pictures that looked like tat-boy on the cover (one actually did have tat-boy on the cover) all have the tag "alpha-male" on their Kindle descriptions. So, am I missing a chance to give her a bit of alpha male by confronting this? i wouldn't do it aggressively, but lovingly and in an appeal to understand, but she HAS TO know that I know?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
