More thoughts from my muddled mind. I am calmer now, and sleepy. I just spent an hour on the phone with my pastor. He was pulling positives out of my recount of this morning, amazingly.
He characterized my communication as far less manipulative and bullying than months ago, and said I should look forward to talk w/C present. If I'm not manipulating, but merely stating an opposing opinion, C will call her on it. If I am manipulating, C will call me on it. I expressed my fear of C with W, as I've read on here that MC without commitment to M from both parties is disastrous. He said its not MC, that regardless of R or not, we will always both be parents and need to be able to communicate about the kids. If that helps the R, so be it.
I asked bluntly does she want me to have any say in parenting S16. She said yes. I asked if we dont agree on a matter how should we proceed, she said she didnt know. I said I have clear and strong beliefs on what's best for him, but fear they will be construed as manipulative, or judging. I gradually got them out, gently.
We beat around the bush a while. I said I feel powerless in the situation w/S that I have no say in his parenting. She said not true, I asked what do I have the power to change, and she insisted she didn't know what, but that I still had a say.
Eventually W said coming home would be being "put in her place." I did not bring up coming home. I haven't since before Christmas, maybe thanksgiving. I reminded her of that, that all I want is for R to have a fair shot. If she came home now I would somehow make it work, but I agree w/my pastor, C, and her C that we are not ready to be together. My frustration is, how can we ever be ready if one of us is involved with another person?
W expressed fear that I will never trust her again, and that she will never be able to forgive herself. I reminded her that Christ died to redeem us from this sort of thing (and many more sorts of things) and that anything is possible, and there are countless stories about it happening, books written on how to make it happen.
W said (when i asked her) she wanted to give our family unit a fair shot at surviving. Then said she's not sure if she wants to leave this OM.
W admitted at one point that changing her living situation is actually something she considers from time to time. She said it would be hard (or wouldn't be easy). I said who says things should have to be easy. Pastor pointed out a better way of phrasing that would be more validating..."yes, your feelings are strong and that will be hard to do."
Pastor says she is conflicted and not hell bent on divorce, and that he sees positive changes in me.
As I was typing this my B called w/news about grandfather and procedures they will be doing on him. He has a long medical history that I won't go into, but things are always complicated there. Texted W (she is a very good RN) to see if she would explain better. She called. Nice conversation and she helped understand what drs are doing.
I apologized for how things turned out this morning. Said I was looking fwd to meet w/C so she can set me straight if I'm manipulating, set W straight if not.
She said she wasn't mad. Said that she had actually been missing our R before she came over.
I obviously don't understand anything.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
