-I told her that I did care about her (still didn't tell her I love her) and that I do want her to have happiness. I want her to have peace. I'm NOT going to get in the way of that. I hope she finds those things, but also that she realizes it doesn't come from out there (pointed outside), it comes from in here (pointed at my heart). She asked, "Why are you so nice to me through all of this?"
-She said she had run through the situation in her mind where I move back in and we try to work on the marriage, and that she just isn't okay with how she feels about that. I said I understood that, then added, "if you asked me to move back in, I wouldn't. I don't want to work on the old marriage or the old relationship. I have no interest in that at all. I want something entirely fresh. And it wouldn't be fair to the kids to move back in until we both knew it was the right thing to do."
-She reiterated that this isn't easy for her, and I know it isn't. I don't think she's just itching to cut me loose. What I think she really wants is certainty, one way or the other. Certainty makes decisions easier, and she isn't getting that.
-She also reiterated that she lies awake at night sometimes and just wants to call me and have me come over, but that isn't fair to me and doesn't move her towards her goal of independence. But she still has those feelings and misses me.
The divorce papers went back to her today with my revisions (part of what we discussed last night). So now it's up to her to deliver those to her lawyer. I guess after that we just sign and it goes to a judge. Could be quick.
Divorce or not, I don't think she'll ever be ready to reconcile until she actually experiences real life without me. I'm not saying she's going to come running back, I'm just saying she needs to get her independence and then decide if she WANTS me back...if I'm someone who makes her life better.
As much as I want to reconcile, I won't be waiting around for that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
