Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

We talked last night. I had to tell her about my grandmother passing because I told the kids, so I took that opportunity to bring up all the topics at hand:

• Grandma passing – telling the girls tonight.
• If she is going to be depositing money into her personal account (like she is with another paycheck, but not all - she has 4 different employers), what bills will she be taking over? (I understand her wanting to build up a bit of funds to feel secure, but we’re paying bills out of our joint account that she isn’t contributing to with now two paychecks.)
• The roof on the house we own, but don't live in, is going to cost between $10k-$20k to repair, which I am borrowing to fund. Does she want to share in that cost, or does she want to just give me the house (which has very little equity)?
• I’m having trouble being around her right now. I don’t want to feel this way, which is why I asked for space so I can sort things out. I appreciate and like getting the calls about the kids and what to expect for that day...don’t stop that. I’m sorry if I seem difficult, it is just difficult for me right now.
• At times it’s easy for me to slip into comfort-mode with her and pretend things are normal, but I don’t think that’s doing any good.
• I’m focusing on my life with the girls, and making that the best possible.
• I’m giving her what she originally asked for – space. I hear what she is saying, that she is conflicted and second guessing herself. I miss her too, but she’s given me no indication that she wants to work on things. The constant has been a progression towards divorce, and I have to respect that. If she was truly conflicted, she wouldn’t push the divorce process further.

She listened, she apologized, she said that she knows she is a mess and is sorry for dragging me through all this. She said that she does love me and does care about me. That she still hates the thought of me even being in a bad mood, let alone being angry with or hating her. She said she knows my changes are real and trusts me (otherwise she'd be much more restrictive about my time with the kids), but doesn't know if she can ever open up to me again in a way that would be necessary for R. Ultimately she came back to what she has maintained all along: she has to be okay on her own.

I did a lot of listening too, but I told her I that it wasn't the dragging me through tough times that made me need space...that's what husbands are for! It was the deceit and betrayal.

I told her that my problem is that I don't trust her, and she hasn't given me any indication that I should. She hasn't worked on that. I know her feelings are all over the place, but *feelings* and *holding oneself accountable to certain actions* are two different things. I told her that sitting right there talking with her, "I feel like I'm talking to you...the "you" that I remember. But maybe I am just fooling myself because what you have done isn't something the W I know would do. And I hate that because I WANT to trust you and be okay around you, but if I can't then I have to adjust."

We finished up with what the plan was for the next couple of days, and then I went to go. She wanted a hug, so I gave her one, of course. And dangit if that didn't lead to ML. She said it was a bad idea, I said it was a bad idea, but it still happened. Oh well, make a mistake and move on. Don't dwell on it. (Though I was complimented several times on my appearance. I'll take it! )

Afterwards I went to leave and it's thunderstorming like crazy outside. "Why don't you stay here?" she asks. "I don't want to sleep on a couch," I reply. She said she didn't think I would want to sleep in bed with her (given what we had talked about, I suppose), but she didn't mind if I didn't.

I didn't mind.

I also got to get up with D3 and tuck her back in. Normally, people wouldn't enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to take their kids back to bed, but I felt like Dad in the home with my daughters...it felt good, even though I know it was a one time deal.

-PM