I still like blue, what else?

[albamarie]

I hate this, hate this, I feel like a phony or a fake, or angry that I may be hoping there is change in H. NO! I won't let myself believe there is any hope because I will just be hurt, no assuming! If the actual words came out of his mouth to me about change, needs, wants, maybe I would give him the time of day, big maybe!

He said, I always said I wan't going to leave you! But, that doesn't mean your returning buddy, not to what I need anyway. If he masked who he was for 20+yrs to try to be someone he's not, how would I trust he didn't just get a new mask?

I guess it's possible that MLC gives them time and freedom to explore why they needed to pretend through life in the first place, yea that makes sense, I have reflected and worked on some of the baggage I brought to the marriage. They can slowly reintroduce themselves to earth having worked through things that should have been addressed many yrs ago.

But, I am not about to bet my future on a man that
1) doesn't say those words out loud,
2) is so early in his possible revelation that he has every reason to slide back,
3) isn't caught up to (maybe never will) what this girl at this stage in life needs.

I almost feel guilty. He's so nice, and now asking about ''me'', my day, how the dentist went, how I'm feeling, and I'm all bubbly trying to give positive answers, who am I! I want to give him someone worth trying for, someone to work toward, but what do I know about what I want?

Can I be there in a positive way and at still be true to myself and not get caught up in the attention? I want to stay focused on my needs and wants most, and for the end result to be about me.

Feedback, opinions please! I'm not good when it comes to me!