Just a quick question. When your W's failed to "own" their A's, what excuses did you get? Mine simply told me she wasnt in love with me, thought it was over, and "moved on". We "reconciled" but it was completely on her terms...and it left me conflicted for years. I am not even allowed to bring it up.
Now in my sitch, I was on the other side of the globe in Iraq in '03 for the first PA, but after this last BD in May 2013... I am hearing many of the same things about our R from her and the reason she is done. She claims there is no OM...denies it. But she denied the last one in 2003 also until I caught her red handed with key logger software.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Make it PERFECTLY CLEAR, that your boundaries are for yourself, and for the marriage. They are in no way, to punish her for anything....
And that is the line that you risk crossing, between a boundary and being controlling. And it is damned easy to cross that line.
Agreed....and we have discussed that blur between boundary and control.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
There will be no contact initiated by her, and everything she receives, she will tell you about.
I like that. I told her the second part the other day, but even so, I'm still having to ask at this point. It's frustrating. I think she's answering me honestly, but I hate that I have to ask. I think part of it is that she thinks it's going to turn into a fight, so she'd rather just avoid it....guess we need to discuss that too.
I like that. I told her the second part the other day, but even so, I'm still having to ask at this point. It's frustrating. I think she's answering me honestly, but I hate that I have to ask. I think part of it is that she thinks it's going to turn into a fight, so she'd rather just avoid it....guess we need to discuss that too.
Maybe explain it to her.
That by having to ask her, it keeps the focus on the affair. And it keeps it in the forefront of BOTH of your thoughts. And that you feel, that if she could just let you know, without having to ask, will allow each of you, to start moving forward toward the future, instead of being stuck in the past.
???
Are you asking for details ?
Or just that contact was made ???
Trust can be built with just letting you know that there was contact. You can trust, yet verify...
The details might be what is keeping things stuck. And that doesn't mean that you don't get them. It means that those convos happen when emotions are a little less high ??
Having to ask, for me, is a non-starter. Who can live with that kind of anxiety. Having her offer the information to you relieves you of having to wonder, and that's what provides comfort and the ability to work on trust.
I would play hardball with your boundaries Breakdown, stake out your territory and show her you mean it. To Mach1's point you're not trying to control her, you're saying that to be in a relationship with you, this is what you need to have and how you need to be treated.
If she thinks that's unreasonable or not doable, she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you and you can put the divorce back on the table. I think she'll be more willing to negotiate than you might expect given where she is, but once she's back in the fold it gets more difficult, so now is the time to figure out what is non-negotiable and stick with it like your life depends on it! (And of course it has to be bi-lateral).
There is good information on Pat Love's web site for where you are. Go to the "Downloads" section and start with the Office Spouse survey -- that gives you a template for being very specific about what is okay with you and not okay with you in terms of friends of the opposite sex. You should both agree on it and mutually agree to disclose if and when either of you are tempted.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks guys....very good points, and I need them. I spent so much time getting to this point, now that I'm there, I'm like "oh $hit!"
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Having to ask, for me, is a non-starter. Who can live with that kind of anxiety. Having her offer the information to you relieves you of having to wonder, and that's what provides comfort and the ability to work on trust.
Totally agree....will definitely make this point. To Mach1's point, yes, we've been talking details....maybe I need to let that go a bit so she doesn't feel so defensive.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
I would play hardball with your boundaries Breakdown, stake out your territory and show her you mean it.
If she thinks that's unreasonable or not doable, she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you and you can put the divorce back on the table. I think she'll be more willing to negotiate than you might expect given where she is, but once she's back in the fold it gets more difficult, so now is the time to figure out what is non-negotiable and stick with it like your life depends on it! (And of course it has to be bi-lateral).
Totally agree. I think I've done pretty good so far. I have reiterated a number of times that "any" crossing of my boundaries and I'm out. At this point, I still feel comfortable moving forward with or without her....but after some time, I can see that becoming an issue.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
There is good information on Pat Love's web site for where you are.
Awesome!! That was exactly what I was looking for...read that a while back and thought it was great, but couldn't find it. With a "boundaries" discussion on Sat, a couple of those are perfect!
Just a quick update....emotions have been extremely high which has led to extreme ups and extreme downs. Based on advice from Acc and Mach1, I have asked W to:
- discuss boundaries tomorrow over breakfast - take following 3 weeks off all R work and "just be" - after 3 weeks, we each select a relationship book to read and discuss with each other - reassess after that time whether we need another break
W was absolutely thrilled with this suggestion as she has felt rushed and out of control. We both feel like some down time will help us cool down and settle in for the work that's coming. After discussing, we both immediately felt better....the pressure valve has been released.
^^ sounds like a plan, for sure...sorry for new confusing moniker, but still IO aka Ruby.
I know I would feel a little panicky in your situation or your W's. More the "what if I make a wrong move " in your shoes and "Am I doing the right thing" in W's
Sigh....well, we ain't out of the woods yet. While W agreed to all the boundaries Sat, she's really not been telling me about the contact unless I ask. I do need to give her a little more time to see how she does, but so far, it's a struggle.
This morning I was grabbing the ipad and her phone buzzed...I looked at it and OM had texted her. I went ahead and took a look...she walked in and I said, "hey, I'm looking at your phone." She was irritated because I had agreed to ask her first, but she didn't throw a fit.
Lots of chase from OM...ILU, thinking of you, etc etc. Pretty much everything I'm sure he could think of to open the window back up. For the most part, she has ignored, but over the last few days, she's started to respond to some things...innocently at this point, but to me, it's cracking the window open.
After discussing for a few minutes (she had an explanation for everything...but she always has), I told her to either write him a letter indicating no contact outside of business and that can be done via email...no more text, no more calls, or to hash out the rest of the D because I won't go back to that type of relationship. She's stomping around now mad, so we'll see what happens.
BD, did you let your W know about a boundary of yours regarding OM, or did you give her a condition regarding OM? If a condition, then what are the consequences you stated and how are you planning to uphold them?
If a boundary, then what are doing snooping? Because boundaries are about YOU, not about her.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
- take following 3 weeks off all R work and "just be"
Lots of chase from OM...ILU, thinking of you, etc etc. Pretty much everything I'm sure he could think of to open the window back up. For the most part, she has ignored, but over the last few days, she's started to respond to some things...innocently at this point, but to me, it's cracking the window open.
Maybe you should text him back....
Thinking of you too, actually thinking of sticking my boot up your ass..
Love, Breakdown...
Just kidding there : )
I think you need to stand hard in this.
Yes, she will buck back a little
Reiterate your stance to her again, and that this is not healthy for the Marriage.
