Hanging out, down the street

[25yearsmlc]

JS

I am only now caught up and am on my way out of town so I have to be brief...which is of course, a relative term.


I love your ability to articulate difficult emotions with subtlety and nuance. I get it.

Anyhow, I have at least one gay daughter, maybe two. I do NOT agree with your x wife's views and find it ironic that any WAW with children would decide on THIS path to salvation...

(="compensate much?")

But if it's true that both my girls are gay, of course I ask myself
how it could NOT be related to how h and I did not model a healthy marriage at a key point in their lives?

We once had a wonderfully rewarding marriage and one in which we both achieved a lot, and were crazy about our kids...

I now think I don't have to understand "why" they are who they are. I merely have to accept and love them as they are.

So maybe enough with the blame...it only makes it seem that I think they are "wrong"...and I don't want that message to come from me.

I'm far more concerned with their choosing a mate well, than with what else society or some family members might say.

I have had my own "coming out" with this and it has not been as easy as I would have guessed. IT's been a real process for me and I'm still in it.

Thankfully I never came from a place of condemnation or trying to save them from a sin...just not believing it in one case, and feel worry and fear for them both.

I have many gay friends but when it is your d, and maybe "all" your d's, it still feels like some sort of failing on my end...

not b/c they are "wrong" but b/c I worry I must have been...if that makes any sense...and let me admit up front, I want to be a grandmother someday.

Sure, it can still happen but it's one dream I have to let go of (meaning, the method of how it happens IF it happens, is not up to me).

Anyhow, NONE of this is their problem...it's mine and yes sometimes it affects the R with h b/c I know they resent him a lot...more than I realized.


of all the issues now at hand, THERE is one big one, which is THEIR R's with h.

H and I are reconciled. IT's not perfect and it can be rocky. But I know there is love and commitment...

sometimes I worry that the adult kids' negative comments are patently unfair to h,

other times I worry that I am in denial...

Things can be smooth with h and I but when the kids are mixed in, I realize how left out of the reconciliation process they were. They did not attend Retrovaille or witness h's breakthroughs, etc.

I think that's on me...(and h) but I mean, it's on US for somehow not bringing them along. If I could write a chapter in DB, it would be on how to bring your kids with you along the journey

whether you reconcile or not, you need to heal and show them how...

You raise some other issues I hope I can help with b/c I'm dealing with some, so perhaps it'll only be with the comment

"Me too"...

I hate the emotive upheavals. Short though they are they are still disruptive.

I dreamt X wanted to and was trying to reconcile. I puzzled is this something I am wishing for, or something I fear? I still do not know. I have no time to waste upon it and although it took a bit of time and effort to stop wondering I have walked away from the coaster.

DIL asks if I am amiable to her family moving in. So I may have house guests again. Might be longer this time, might not happen. Time will tell. July or there abouts. We’ll see.

Making my list of pros and cons.


Anybody out there have their adult children move back in? Might be for a couple of years. Biggest concern is damaging the progress I have made and the relationships I have with them.

I am NOT familiar with your previous r with them so I'd need to know more before I can be of much help. Your past R with them will color how you see things and how they see things... it's not just in the past.

Since I am now having all 3 of my kids under one roof, let me mention a few hurdles. My youngest is in high school so of course she's here.

s26 moved out here with his GF in their own place. They did not work out, but he stayed back in our city, as ex gf went back east. Though he seemed resolute in his choice, s26 was also quite heartbroken...it was good we were there for him.

I'll never forget seeing her drive off in tears, and then his stoically seeing her off, only to turn back to us (= me and his sisters) with tears streaming down his face.

He said he mourned "what might have been, what he thought he had found and didn't have to look for anymore..." SIGH...

Since there is such a big age difference between s26 and our d15,
they only lived under one roof for 7 years,

so I LOVED the concept of his being here for awhile. Reminded me of times I thought had been lost forever. D24 and is also here. And he seemed to need us.

H was deployed to the Middle East last summer and his deployment terms were vague (4 months? 9 months? A year?) So he was going to be GONE and I'd be on my own with d15.

D24 was living on her own but came home mainly to help out with d15 and to save money. I liked and appreciated her return. Then s26 and his gf broke up, and he stayed with us while she returned to NYC.

They have said they'll be moving out within what is now, a few months.

So I found myself with the three of them under my roof again.

I am sure they want to move out, but they also are all very close to each other. And it's pricey to move out AND I THINK they like being here for d15.

Now h is back in the US but he works out of town during the week.

To the kids, this is a repeat of the past (albeit not so far like Alaska but in a few hours drive)

so he's home each weekend and plans on coming here when a similar job comes up in our hometown. This is in order to obtain a pension, which was supposed to have happened by now but seems delayed, again...(I'm not being paranoid, just tired of it).

They find this infuriating AND YET they also don't want him here more and 2 of them complain about him being here...a lot.

They pull me into their conflicts. I don't life feeling torn.

I now wish to reject that more, so my new "Policy" is to say "tell your dad that complaint, OR come to me with a solution proposed, b/c just complaining to me about my h, is not good for our marriage, or your r with him."

Sometimes they "gang up" and it gets tiresome...but that can happen in any situation with our children.

Here is my main concern for you.

I worry that your position is weakened b/c you have a grandchild and there is no way you'll toss them out if they cross your boundaries.

In my case, I WOULD have my kids leave if they were out of control or too respectful or disruptive, etc. I really believe I could do that if need be b/c I would do it with love. Meaning, I would do it because if they behave like selfish entitled beings, then my only way to alter them -this late in their life- is to hold them accountable.

it'd be an act of love and a form of discipline to remove them...I say that b/c a friend once told me that her mom kicking her out of the house when she dropped out of college and was not paying rent or working...was actually the kick in the pants she needed. Decades later SHE (my friend) is a great mother...so yes I think I could kick them out if I felt the need.

Or so I say

Point is, you'll have no leverage if they overstay their welcome. You may well feel powerless OR THEY may see you as being powerless...b/c after all, Are you going to make your grandchild homeless?

That's the rub. SHE is not responsible for their financial woes...and yet...

Are their problems due to economic conditions, or their wasteful spending or a rip off or their employment in a rough industry? (my older kids are actors and into film production...which comes with GREAT financial security ...)

or are they having hard time b/c of their mistakes? If this is mostly on them, and it probably is, what will change by their living with you?

Why won't they stay on longer? Why would they want to move out if the house is big enough and you can help with their dogs and childcare AND bills?


If you want to help them, and I know I would, I'd just get something decided with all 3 of you there. I don't know your r with them

but at least once, all 3 of you must agree with clarity about what the time limits are for this arrangement and what their expectations are and yours...

and what you need from them.

I find my oldest is surprised by my wanting help with the house and yard, WHEN I ask, and not when it's too dirty for him. That irks me.


I suggest your DIL NOT take on all that (b/c she's female and it seems to come naturally to us OR to those around us)

so be clear about some sort of "contribution" from them. Your son helping with projects or paying something or saving money and having a PLAN for when they'll leave and how...

Finally, child rearing...that's a biggie. (I think the DOGS will be an issue.
S26 and his gf both had dogs so we had a total of 4 dogs here.

My brilliant poodles don't shed, but their dogs were like chemo patients...fur everywhere...and debates about whos' dog peed where, was lovely...) plus son's dog is deaf and not bright

(hey, he's a PUG so he's a lover, not a thinker)

so if dog care was an issue that we "handled" but still found an undertone of stress inside...then imagine your feelings about their child rearing...

If you are not in alignment with their child rearing, (and what grandparent is??) you will need to STFU at times in your own home...yikes.

that would be hard for me.

But if you know the date they'll be in their own home, it'll help all parties.

And you can definitely bond well with your GD...that is NO small thing. I would love that part...

and if you keep on GAL and set boundaries with the GAL, maybe it'll end up being great for you AND your GD ...

And them!...

I know you will not to see it as a victory or "win" over your ex wife.


But she may well see it as a loss on HER end and if she's still keeping a scorecard, as most WASs do...

who knows how many points she'll deduct from you?

She may get more wound up saving your gay d, or saving them, or the granddaughter or whatever...

That can't matter or get inside you.

Make sense?

Now
I'm off to a family wedding. My closest brother's daughter is marrying...and it's costing a fortune but the sad part isn't the money (okay it's part of it)

but it's a marriage with little hope of lasting

(sorry for the cynicism but my niece is a selfish little 19 y/o having a "Barbie" wedding and no, I'm still not sure what that means.

The invitations were pink, if that helps. (I hoped it meant getting a cheap gift but I'm wrong...they only registered at the most expensive of places...)

but I do I expect the wedding to have great entertainment value.

It's sad of course but I'm going for my brother. I know He wished different things for her...

so in the grand scheme of things, when we contemplate our children's life styles, choices or how they just are,

I like to think that none of my kids would have a wedding/marriage that would cause great pain to a parent, as my niece's has for my brother...

So I'm going to it so my brother has another woman in his life - he can count on watching his back.

keep posting JS b/c

sometimes I think it's the post recon AND OR the post divorce

stories we need more of.

The storm has passed but there are more on the horizon b/c life is just that way.

We can't forget to get the tools we need and need to hone and gain more of, as life throws new curve balls our way.

My mom visited last month and her dementia is progressing rapidly. My oldest sister is a saint who has her full time so I do what I can when I can...

I saw some notes you had about your mom too...see, life never just "gets all worked out"...

we will always need tools and support and meaningful connections in our lives.

I'm grateful for the ones in my life. And I know you are too, which is why YOU are "getting all worked out"!

((( )))