Right, so I said I was going do some journaling. I really don't want to, because I feel like if I start talking about all this stuff I won't be able to stop, but here goes.
I haven't spoken a word face-to-face with my wife since she left on 1/2 and haven't communicated directly with her since January something. She has been remarkably consistent since then, so I guess I should be grateful for that.
Still, I'm not as detached as I would like to be. If you looked at me from the outside, you'd see me doing pretty good: keeping busy, losing weight, getting stronger, reading books, generally improving in every way. Somedays it feels genuine, other days it feels like a flimsy facade that is on the verge of teetering over and revealing the ugly chaos underneath.
As we draw closer to my next court date, I find myself getting more anxiety-ridden every day. I think of all the things she said since the BD, trying to sift through them and analyze them for some sort of meaning. I've been tempted to try looking her up on the Internet. (I haven't.) I wonder daily where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing. Part of me half hopes her to be waiting for me outside work one day, willing to try to talk.
I see my therapist weekly, but I feel like I haven't made any progress emotionally at all.
I keep wondering how we got to this point. What was the last straw? What was the last thing that made our marriage unsalvageable to her? Is there someone else? Why am I not angrier at her for walking out on me six weeks after my dad died? Why was she unwilling to talk to me face-to-face after the BD? Why am I not angrier at her for her false accusations, perjurious statements, and unfair settlement expectations?
