No longer treading water, must either sink or swim

[ChrisN]

Grizz,

I hear you man. I'll be honest it's not easy. It feels like another nail in the coffin. But, you know what? For me, it's been a huge learning experience not having wife here. I've learned I can take care of myself, I can make any decision that comes up, cook all the meals, laundry, daughter time, all of it! And although W doesn't admit much - just how nicely I'm dressing and losing weight... It's ok, cause this time is for me!

This is the hardest thing we'll ever face... But, it's happening for a reason.. To make better Grizz', Chris', JP's, PS, et al !!! And if those better versions end up back with W, then great! If not, we'll be fine...better in a lot of ways, because we had to face the demons.

Stay strong man...even when you feel you can't.....Get.Back.Up

[stilllookingup]

So W is fixing D hair for dance pictures. She asks me if I want to learn how to do it. I said that's ok. She said I may need to know how some day. I said I am sure I could find someone to do it (not meaning it to be a jab at her). She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I said what. She said "nothing".

Do you know why she rolled her eyes? She wanted to show you what she knows and you don't, but you kind of blew her off there... I'm not trying to be mean but just thought I'd share what I think she might have thought there. Is what you did there one of her complaints about you?

[Grizz]

I guess that is possible but it didnt really seem so. I can't describe the tone and mood very well in words. It wasn't like I was blowing her off (at least that was what I thought).

That actually was not something W and I had issues with. I didn't blow things off, including her. My issues were my jealousy leading to controlling behavior and me being passive aggressive. Maybe what I said could have been interpreted as being passive aggressive but it was not meant to be. The way the exchange happened it really seemed like she thought I was taking a jab at her for leaving and me saying I will find someone else to help. But I will also add that I am a great mind reader.
Thank you for the reply stilllooking, it does make me think.

[Grizz]

PS and Chris you are correct that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wonder if W will ever look back and regret what she missed with her Ds. I do 10 times more with them than she does and have for a long time. It is actually kind of sad. This is one of the reasons that i wasnt totally happy over the past year or so. I do consider myself a Mr Mom and I am proud of that. There will be ups and many downs but Chris, like you said, we have to get back up. I have people depending on me.

[Positivespin]

It's time to start living your separate lifelines...............I'm told there is a chance your lines may intersect again perminantly again in the future



In the meantime take lots of pics of you and your kids so their wont be a void in the picture album while the w is getting her head examined

[stilllookingup]

Hmmm. I know you didn't mean it to be a jab at her but she might have thought it was. When a woman says "nothing" that's when we have A LOT to say. If you google "when a woman says nothing.." you will get a lot of hits.

Just FYI I used to hate it when my H scoffed at something I said (he didn't mean to" I instantly took it as an insult. I might have taken what you said there like "I don't need to learn it okay honey? I know i can get somebody else to do it for me"

Sorry. Just a thought and a different perspective from a typical girl

[Grizz]

Ok, so I have rewritten some of the letter. Thank you to all who gave advice/opinions on it. Especially thank you to AS. Your insight is truly appreciated. I took some things out but left some things in that were recommended that I take out. It may not have been the best thing for me to do but just in my heart I felt like I needed to do some things. Here is the revised version: Again, please comment with your thoughts.


Heather, I am not sure how to even begin. I guess to say that I am sorry. Sorry for the hurt that you have experienced. Sorry for the decisions that you have had to make. Sorry for not living up to what I should have been. I have had so much to say to you over the past several months but I have not mentioned anything because I knew that you probably didn’t want to hear it. Well, how can it get any worse than where we are right now?

I love you. I haven’t said that in a long time. Again, I haven’t said it because I thought that you didn’t want to hear it. I am sure you know this but I just needed to tell you. I stopped kissing you goodbye for the same reason. My feelings for you have never changed only my actions. I can’t describe to you or to anyone the hurt that I feel being where we are. For the past seven months, I have not known what I should do so I only did what I could do which was try to give you space.

I have tried to listen carefully to what you have said over the past several months about why your feelings have changed. You’ve told me that I have been jealous and controlling in our relationship. I didn’t realize the damage this was causing to our marriage, but I can see now how much pain it caused you and I am sorry I made you feel that way. I am committed to changing my behavior and I thank you for letting me know about this. I am sure it was difficult for you to discuss it.

I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt me deeply. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I avoid conflict but, in doing so, I also avoid issues that need to be addressed. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back. I can see how wrong it is to do that and how I inadvertently hurt you by responding this way. When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made, I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.

This has really made me look deep within myself. I have had to face fears and flaws that I never thought I would and frankly that I never knew were there. Some of these you have mentioned and others I have just seen myself. Regardless of what happens to “us”, these issues needed to be addressed and I will be better for it.

I absolutely hate where we are. Neither one of us wanted or expected to be here. You are leaving in a few weeks. You know that I would prefer you to stay and work on us. However, if you feel like the only way that you will find happiness is to leave, then I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for. I love you.

[uRworthy]

G, I know you feel the need to send this letter. I can feel you getting more and more anxious as the time gets nearer that she is moving.

I kind of feel like this is a last ditch effort on your part.

I would not tell you not to send the letter as it seems very important to you that you do.

I am worried, though, that you are hoping this might change things and sweetie, most likely it wont.

She needs to go through this journey so I dont think she is ready to hear what you have to say.

So, I hope this letter brings you some relief.

And I hope you can now continue on your own journey.

[JRG]

Grizz, I sent a something similar early in my sitch (before I learned about DB). Although I didn't write it as an apology I wrote it to let her know exactly my position on our R (that I wanted to work on it and that her leaving has "opened" my eyes). I sent it and she didn't even acknowledge getting it. Did sending it do me any good or bad? I have no idea. I guess I'm glad I sent it because she should know how I feel. Prior to that I don't think she knew how much I wanted to work on our R.

I can't tell you whether to send it or not. If you think you'll regret not sending it then maybe you should. If she already knows the things that you wrote, maybe there's no point and she'll just view it as desperation. You should not have any expectations if you do send it though.

[stilllookingup]

Hi,

I too sent a letter like that, also before BD was coming. Sincere apology like that always worked... except that time. My H too didn't even acknowledge it. I slipped it in his work bag before he left for work that day so I thought maybe he didn't read it. I looked the same pocket I put the letter in next morning, it was moved to a different pocket so I know he read it. I honestly think for my case, it only did bad. My sincere letter confused him even more.

If I remember correctly AS said on somebody's thread when he or she wanted to write a letter that he hasn't read a single story here where it did any good.
Like everyone said its up to you if you decide to send it not. It's your life but be ready for whatever coming.

If you are gonna send it though, my only concern is that the letter is so long by the end even I felt pressure. It's long and it repeatedly said how you wanted to tell her this but couldn't, what she did hurt you so you couldn't...

And one line particularly struck me "I cannot comprehend you needing space"? I understand "I could not" but present tense? Doesn't it sound like you don't understand why she has to do this?

She has to do this.

Just a thought...