Whats the status on the running? How long are your periods of consecutive running?
Hows the Diet? you still at 1400 or so a day? If so what are you weighing in at?
Any interesting jobs that you applied for?
and last but most important.....How are you feeling emotionally ?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I failed the C25K Week 4, Day 3 run (on Sunday, but completed it last night. That one consists of 5 minute warm up walk, 3 minute run, 1.5 minute walk, 5 minute run, 2.5 minute walk, 3 minute run, 1.5 minute walk, and a final 5 minute run. I start on Week 5 on Thursday and I will demolish it no matter how long it takes!
Diet is going better since I bought that scale and started using that calorie tracking app. I'm down to 214 lbs (lost 70 since BD) this morning, I've dropped four pounds in the past week!
I am applying for a job in my field that I am really well qualified for today. It's down in the state capital and sounds like a perfect fit for me. I really hope I get it.
As for emotionally? Well, let me save that for a journaling post this evening.
I hit 209.4 today - whats really funny is TODAY I found where a pair of pants is supposed to sit. I keep looking at myself in the mirror because im so used to them being under my gut that it doesnt look right..........I can bend over without showing the world my a$$ crack!
Are you doing your training on the same route or are you changing it up?
How many resumes have you sent out in the last month?
would it be to much detail to clarify if the job is in the capital city or in the capital itself?
would this require you to relocate and make a BOLD move ?
I dont forget about my buddies...................
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Lefty, I hit 209.4 today - whats really funny is TODAY I found where a pair of pants is supposed to sit. I keep looking at myself in the mirror because im so used to them being under my gut that it doesnt look right..........I can bend over without showing the world my a$$ crack!
I know what you mean; I'm really looking forward to being able to wear a pair of plain ol' 501s. Right now they still bulge awkwardly in places they're not supposed to.
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Are you doing your training on the same route or are you changing it up?
Treadmill on a 1% incline. It's too damn hot here to run outside right now.
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How many resumes have you sent out in the last month?
Three in as many days. More tonight hopefully.
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would it be to much detail to clarify if the job is in the capital city or in the capital itself?
Capital city!
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would this require you to relocate and make a BOLD move ?
Right, so I said I was going do some journaling. I really don't want to, because I feel like if I start talking about all this stuff I won't be able to stop, but here goes.
I haven't spoken a word face-to-face with my wife since she left on 1/2 and haven't communicated directly with her since January something. She has been remarkably consistent since then, so I guess I should be grateful for that.
Still, I'm not as detached as I would like to be. If you looked at me from the outside, you'd see me doing pretty good: keeping busy, losing weight, getting stronger, reading books, generally improving in every way. Somedays it feels genuine, other days it feels like a flimsy facade that is on the verge of teetering over and revealing the ugly chaos underneath.
As we draw closer to my next court date, I find myself getting more anxiety-ridden every day. I think of all the things she said since the BD, trying to sift through them and analyze them for some sort of meaning. I've been tempted to try looking her up on the Internet. (I haven't.) I wonder daily where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing. Part of me half hopes her to be waiting for me outside work one day, willing to try to talk.
I see my therapist weekly, but I feel like I haven't made any progress emotionally at all.
I keep wondering how we got to this point. What was the last straw? What was the last thing that made our marriage unsalvageable to her? Is there someone else? Why am I not angrier at her for walking out on me six weeks after my dad died? Why was she unwilling to talk to me face-to-face after the BD? Why am I not angrier at her for her false accusations, perjurious statements, and unfair settlement expectations?
Oh, another few thoughts that've been percolating in my head a lot lately:
I feel very alone. I have a small circle of close friends, but they're all happily (seemingly, anyway) married and have all their parents. I very much feel like an outsider.
And, unlike 99% of the people out there (obviously this forum is an exception), I don't take divorce lightly. I consider my divorce to a be a personal failure. It makes me feel like a broken person, unworthy of happiness and unfit to be in another relationship.
Jeez, I knew I was going to get way too heavy once I got started.
I agree- being the third wheel [censored]! Its hard to re-learn how not to be a couple
Its been so long for me I cant even remember who I kissed last (before my wife)
You know youll be seeing her and you are anticipating that your heart will be hurt when you do..........hell- after your last contact with her who wouldnt be?
They had a HUGE head start on us. They have been able to detach. They have had the time to process, to sort.
We got a grenade shoved up our a$$ without the courtesy of a "fire in the hole"
I sat at a sportsbar alone on mothers day nursing a pepsi- I am so freakin uncool and irrelevant to pop culture its going to take me 2 years to be able to speak to other people coherently.
attract a member of the opposite sex..........LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
but after 2 hrs of REALLY feeling pathetic I realized that I did it.
I was at about the lowest place emotionally I could be - desperate and pathetic- and I STILL did it
Regardless of what wife does. You will move and start over- and when it will be done by choice (instead of grenade)You will thrive because it will be new
We will be OK my friend
Our W's did all this and WERE STILL HERE!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Well said, PS, and I think all of us have these thoughts (when we're not obssessing about Ws:))
Truth is, guys aren't the only ones getting a D. Women are too,! And the work we're all doing on ourselves (not to mention all the free weight loss that's one of the few upsides of our sitch will make us more attractive to other people.
So, don't worry too much about that now. We're all surprising ourselves with what we're accomplshing and surving now that if/when the time comes, we'll surprise ourselves in the future too.
Don't let the fear of the uncertain future disrupt your DBing efforts. Believe in yourself and know that you still have a lot to offer. Especially your W.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
We got a grenade shoved up our a$$ without the courtesy of a "fire in the hole"
LOL. Ain't that the truth?
Originally Posted By: "Postivespin"
I sat at a sportsbar alone on mothers day nursing a pepsi- I am so freakin uncool and irrelevant to pop culture its going to take me 2 years to be able to speak to other people coherently
I've been tuned out of pop culture for almost 15 years now, and what may have been charmingly idiosyncratic to others back then probably comes off as "grumpy old man" now, so I know what you mean.
Originally Posted By: "Papa4Life"
So, don't worry too much about that now. We're all surprising ourselves with what we're accomplshing and surving now that if/when the time comes, we'll surprise ourselves in the future too.
Don't let the fear of the uncertain future disrupt your DBing efforts. Believe in yourself and know that you still have a lot to offer. Especially your W.
Papa, that was exactly what I needed to hear yesterday. I read that with silent tears streaming down my face at my desk. Thank you so much. Your hope and belief in me and what I had/could have with my W again if I had the chance is beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
If anybody out there is reading this, I sure could use your help.
I feel like I've suddenly backslid all the way to the day after the BD. I feel like a trembling little wreck of a man. I know why: Our anniversary is coming up in less than two weeks and the settlement portion is about to begin. I was hoping it would never come to this phase.
I know I can't talk to her, but I feel like there's so much I want to say to her. We never talked face-to-face after she left, she refused to see me. I keep thinking about all the things she said on the phone and email and how there were things she said that made it seem not entirely hopeless.
My therapist things the TRO was her way of making sure we couldn't reconcile. She can be stubborn, prideful, and hold a grudge, and I wonder if that is part of it or if I am really that awful.
There's so much I wish I knew: What was the last straw? Was there someone else? Why doesn't she want to work on it? Does she truly hate me?
I had a health scare a few weeks before she left where they found some (benign) polyps. I remember how she relieved she was. I assumed then it was because she cared, now I think it is because she might have felt obligated to stay around if it had been something else.
I know intellectually that none of this matters, but still... It bothers me. It hurts that none of my in-laws have reached out to me at all. It hurts that she lied about us, that she lied about me, that she made it so we can't talk.
I know she is going to think my settlement offer is my way of being vengeful, but it's really not. It's just fair. And I think it will only make her resent me more.
I'm trying to GAL, but I keep facing rejection after rejection in my job search and it is really making me feel worthless.
Can anybody out there spare some advice or a kind word?
