I don't just have the kids two weekends a month. I do a lot to relieve her of the kids and to spend time with them.
Quote:
I take every Friday afternoon off work to drive a 3 hour round trip to pick them up. I also spend 3 hours every Sunday taking them back. She does no driving and has every weekend off and nearly all public holidays.
I handled today very badly, that is obvious. I think it all stems from my insecurity and trying to control W to lesson my insecurity and failing miserably in the process. I wasn't wiling to come out admit that to myself early this morning. I even tried to hide it and justify my actions to myself.
My validation is shockingly bad. I don't get it. Is there any specific books I could read or listen to on it.
I thought with recent revelations she would care how I feel. I must have been wrong. This is the DB forum and she is a WAS.
I might put on my phone. STFU WAS DB
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I handled today very badly, that is obvious. I think it all stems from my insecurity and trying to control W to lesson my insecurity and failing miserably in the process.
Don't beat yourself up too bad. I almost did the same thing this week. I'm taking my 4 D's out of town to visit family, only I was originally only going to take 3 because the 4th had an event scheduled. I got the event rescheduled, but wasn't going to tell W until later in the week so she and OM had less time to come up with a lie to their spouses about how to meet up while the girls and I are out of the picture for two days.
Then I remembered that isn't who I want to be, and even though I don't "owe" her all the information I have, I didn't want to withhold information out of selfishness and insecurity and pettiness.
It happens. Learn from it and move on.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I have read an article on validation. Feels a bit condescending.
I messaged W to ask how S3 was this morning (suffering from constipation) and had a go at validation. Couldn't see many places to use tbh: 08:34, 16 May - T1000: Any sign of S3 picking up? 08:36, 16 May - W: He has done the toilet 08:36, 16 May - T1000: Good! Is he better for it? 08:37, 16 May - W: Think so. He went in the night 08:37, 16 May - T1000: Last night? 08:38, 16 May - W: Yes 08:38, 16 May - T1000: Ok thanks 08:39, 16 May - T1000: Hows S1 been, keeping you up still? 08:41, 16 May - W: He is full of beans. Still wakes up twice. Had a few tantrums yesterday. Wee sh1t 08:46, 16 May - T1000: Thats not good. He can be wee sh1t can't he.
Can any validation masters point me in the right direction? Is there times where there is no room for validation or there is no need for it? Or should I validate 24/7?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Is validation mainly for when people have a problem or issue that they are expressing. Would you validate if someone is expressing happy feelings?
I found this sentence that supposed to lay out generally what to say to validate: "Your feelings make sense. Not only do I hear you, but I understand why you feel the way you do. You are not bad or wrong or crazy for feeling the way you do."
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Caring about the other person and the thoughts they are having. They aren't alone and they can talk to you if it helps?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I'm not trying to attack her by using this interaction. It's just the most recent thing I can think of that is close.
Yesterday when I said "Can't you understand what I was going through in April" and she said "No". Was she discrediting my feelings? That was the opposite of validation?.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Are we validating a feeling that we are involved in even if we don't agree because we still need to show we care whether it's hard to or not?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I don't know if this will help or not. My wife does not care how I feel (right now). I used to think that if I told her how I felt or that I was feeling the same way she was that it would validate her feelings and make her feel less alone. It doesn't.
Right now, she doesn't care about my feelings. Instead, when she hears me talk about my feelings it makes her think that I'm not trying to understand her feelings. It also makes the point that my feelings are more important than hers. Intent does not matter.
When my wife wants to talk about her feelings, I let her. If I need to talk about my feelings, I find someone else. It was my 180. My wife could not (and cannot) handle her feelings and my feelings at the same time.
It does not seem fair that my feelings don't matter to her right now. No one ever said it was supposed to be fair though. Be there for her. Don't expect her to be there for you.
