Today I plan to finally map out, in writing, what my goals are for moving on. Feel I need this plan to reduce some of the fear of life without W that I've been secretly holding on to in the back of my head.
I think that's a good plan, but I hope you aren't thinking of sharing that...it's for you and you alone. It will help bring a calmness to the sitch and maybe some acceptance (at least it did for me).
Originally Posted By: Spartan
As people say on here all the time, we find things out when we need to and when we're ready.
Certainly seemed like it in my sitch. I would have been destroyed had I found out about the PA earlier. As it turned out, I was exactly where I needed to be when I found out, and was able to move forward without a lot of negativity. I felt like I had become "a man only a fool would leave" and everything just kinda fell into place.
That said, I do remember the night I found out...and it was awful. So I'm sorry you had to go thru that, and it's even worse that it's an old wound getting reopened. Hang tough buddy...we're here for you.
Accuray how do you suggest become less available while living under same roof with 2 young kids.
GAL only?
PowerOfNow, this isn't a blanket suggestion or tactic. What I'm recommending is that if your spouse is actively engaged in an affair, that you not be their security blanket or their fallback plan. If you're contributing lots of emotional support, they are getting all the benefits of being a spouse without any of the contribution, and that is not okay.
IF your spouse is engaged in an affair, you have to wait it out (assuming you want to), and you can have no expectations that anything you do to DB will have a short-term impact on your spouse. While they are engaged with OP, you are in a holding pattern at best.
That's why I'm saying your best course of action is to pull back emotionally. How do you do that when you're living at home with 2 small children?
1) Be the best father you can be. Demonstrate your emotional capacity for being a good spouse by being a good parent. This is attractive.
2) Be mysterious. Come and go without explaining yourself (assuming the kids are covered). Change up your wardrobe, haircut, etc. Be unpredictable in a good way.
3) If your spouse engages you, be friendly, be courteous, try to end the conversation first. Act-as-if.
What does this look like? Limit the follow-on questions that you ask. Validate, tell them you're sorry they feel that way, move on. Don't offer suggestions, don't offer fixes, don't get sucked into their drama.
Your spouse says "I'm so confused and sad, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing!" You can either get sucked into an R discussion, or you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way, that must be a challenging thing to deal with. I'm going to go play softball with some friends, I'll be home by 8:00. I hope you feel better!"
I would completely NOT recommend this if OP is gone. At that point you may want to consider re-engaging and being more supportive. However, with a WAS, you need to rekindle some attraction.
You're generally not going to be attracted to someone who follows you around like a puppy and seems to get too wrapped up in your emotional state. You're going to be attracted to someone who is self-confident, a bit mysterious, fun, funny, who has information they're not telling you, and who is with you because they WANT to be, not because they need you to scratch all their emotional itches.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
While it is possible that W has been in contact with old OM for the last 8 years, it's more likely that she is scared facing legal separation and seeking to line up "insurance" that people will be there to comfort her when she needs it. Therefore, it's likely that she's using this guy to be her backburner insurance plan versus truly caring for him right now.
Might be right with that, who knows. Whatever her reasoning is it doesn't change my current path. Well I might not help D7 put a funny photo on phone next time...
The frustrating part for many of us here is she didn't need the insurance policy OM, she had someone that loves her unconditionally, was working his a$$ off to become a better person, and that person just so happened to be the father of her kids. We play the hand we're dealt so enough of the why's and poor me BS.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I think that's a good plan, but I hope you aren't thinking of sharing that...it's for you and you alone. It will help bring a calmness to the sitch and maybe some acceptance (at least it did for me).
Yeah, it's for my eyes only. Several months ago I started doing a few budgets based on a couple different payment scenarios to figure out what type of house I could afford. I really want a house for my kids (and me). I stopped thinking about that stuff though because I felt like I was planning for failure...failure to save the M and family. Now I feel like I'm planning for success, a happy life with my new reality.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
The frustrating part for many of us here is she didn't need the insurance policy OM, she had someone that loves her unconditionally, was working his a$$ off to become a better person, and that person just so happened to be the father of her kids. We play the hand we're dealt so enough of the why's and poor me BS.
You know the answer to that. I thought by adding that last line one of you wouldn't blast me for my "poor me" whining. Have to admit I'd have been a little disappointed though if you hadn't.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan sorry you discovered that info. I have complete empathy for you. When my W withdraws she starts to txt OM (life long friend who tried sleeping with my W while we were separated). It drives me crazy and we ever start to piece again I need to address this relationship without fear.
Sounds like your detaching. Keep going on going on
You know the answer to that. I thought by adding that last line one of you wouldn't blast me for my "poor me" whining. Have to admit I'd have been a little disappointed though if you hadn't.
S, you're kidding right? Let me introduce you to Mach. LOL!
The frustrating part for many of us here is she didn't need the insurance policy OM, she had someone that loves her unconditionally, was working his a$$ off to become a better person, and that person just so happened to be the father of her kids. We play the hand we're dealt so enough of the why's and poor me BS.
Ah...I remember having that pity party myself. Good times...
And I think I remember a similar response from Mach1 lol
The frustrating part for many of us here is she didn't need the insurance policy OM, she had someone that loves her unconditionally, was working his a$$ off to become a better person, and that person just so happened to be the father of her kids.
The problem that most people have is that they point this out to the WAS over and over again.
If you ever do that I will hunt you down with my crossbow.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I won't be pointing anything out to her for many reasons: If she doesn't see it in my actions then she's blind She never listens to anything I say anyway She's on her own journey and it's best I stay clear because it's a path I have no interest being on And most importantly I have more important things to do with my time...
Like talk crossbows. I broke my arm on a four wheeler last summer so bought a crossbow because I couldn't shoot my bow. I was so hesitant and even considered taking year off. I ended up with a Stryker 350. That thing is so nice and accurate. I may never shoot my bow again.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
