Thanks AS, I need advice and will read the threads on piecing to see how to go about this. I don't want to be to enthusiastic because there are still ups and downs. But internally, I know she has committed to staying.
BTW, about the wedding band. She stopped wearing it about 2-3 years ago. So really my W's unhappiness started awhile ago, but didn't get really bad and show itself until late 2012. Another thing, is the ring was originally gold, but my W likes white gold, and had it and the engagement ring plated white a year or two before that.
Swede, I think you're right. In fact, I still feel insecure in our relationship. My W will tell me one thing, and as far as I can tell, she tells her friends something different, less favorable. For example, she told a friend when asked how things are, "they're going, back to the status quo, we're nice to each other". To me, it's a more positive message. Which one to believe? I think AnotherStander and others have remarked that WAS often 'test' ideas with their friends. I don't know.
A major source of our problems is W's MLC. She has switched gears so much in a short period of time. Consider her work:
Summer 2012: unhappy with what many would consider a dream job of working from home and getting paid well. Dec 2012: New FT job. She was really excited about this new Feb 2013: Hates her new job. March 2013: she wants to return to university for a Master's degree and a new career direction.
She is also hell-bent on replacing all our furniture. We are remodeling the kitchen. She bought a new bed. New pots and outdoor furniture. She wants a new dining room table. She is doing "retail therapy" where shopping makes her feel good. Her new job pays well, and she spends everything she makes.
So I am cautious because she needs to be happy with herself in order for her to truly be happy with our relationship. And this might take a long time.
I am in a similar sitch. My W makes good $. For the most part she enjoys her job, but where we more come together is the changes.
Mine started working out like she was training for a prize fight. Started dressing nicer. Started really getting religious about shaving her legs and skin. I see clothes and shoes coming in from different online stores. And her physical therapy sessions went from where she was there from 6 to about 7:30...to later 8...to later 8:30...to where I am lucky if she walks through the door at 9 to 9:30.
She tellls me its because they have added more exercises to her regimen, but I also know she has developed a relationship with one of the OT's there. He is in a band, and I met him once, a postive and good looking guy.
Am I conjuring crap up in my head? Maybe. Maybe looking nicer and the clothes are due to her promotion at work and wanting to look professional. Maybe she is working out more at OT to improve her injury.
But it doesnt help after the BD.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Mine started working out like she was training for a prize fight. Started dressing nicer. Started really getting religious about shaving her legs and skin. I see clothes and shoes coming in from different online stores. And her physical therapy sessions went from where she was there from 6 to about 7:30...to later 8...to later 8:30...to where I am lucky if she walks through the door at 9 to 9:30.
Swede, I'm going to read your sitch since it sounds so similar. I do know that my W sometimes goes to the bar afterwards with people from the gym -- she tells me this. Last week she complained about her weight. She is thin, but I didn't tell her this - I try to validate what she feels. Anyway, she eats very healthy and exercises like mad. I suggested that if she stopped drinking that would make a difference. Ha, she didn't like that suggestion.
The latest from my W is getting a laser procedure on her face to tighten it up. She went to the dermotologist who told her she did need it. Yesterday she went again to hte person who actually doesthe procedure, and this person told her she didn't need it. My W argued that she did. Sort of a preventive procedure? Doesn't make sense to her, I just listen and ask her about it without suggestion that she gets or doesn't get the procedure.
Yesterday was an open house at the kids school. We all went as a family. My W acted a little cold and distant. For example, in a classroom while I sat at my D's desk reviewing her work, the W was on the other side of the classroom. Then while walking around she was always a few steps away. Yet on the other hand we did talk together about things.
At night, she did some work on the computer, I was in another room and then she came in and said let's go to bed. She jumped into bed before I got there. In the dark room, I bumped my injured knee and it hurt. She said, "are you alright?" and started rubbing the wrong knee. I said it was the wrong knee, she's like "oh yeah" and we were both laughing, and then i joked, "no, not that knee Dr., the other one ..." My W then pulled away and lied down to sleep on her side with her back to me.
Huh? What happened?
After a few minutes I asked her what was bothering her. In such a low voice that she had to repeat it twice, she said she had so many things to do. This is true, but I don't think it is what is bothering her.
I left it at that. Of course, I'm lying in bed mind-reading. I wonder if the "Dr." comment set her thinking because of two reasons: first, she wants to return to the university to be a physician assistant, which can essentially practice as a Dr.; and second, the guy she is infactuated with is a doctor.
Anyway this is mind-reading. Today, she called me to tell me that she ordered flowers for my mom for Mother's day. She usually does this for me. Her voice sounded a little probing to see what I was thinking. Again, mind-reading, but after the past 6 months I begin to learn certain behaviors and clues.
On Friday nite, W went to gym as always and stayed out until almost 10pm afterwards talking (drinking too?) with friends. I helped a friend move some stuff, and then we came back to my house, had a few beers and a pizza dinner with my 3 girls. What made me a little upset is that we've been in the habit of calling each other when our plans change or we'll be late, and she didn't. I told her this, and she apologized.
The weekend went fine. On Sat, went to a b-day party for a friend of D12 with the entire family. It was a nice day, and we hung out all afternoon into the evening having a good time with the other parents.
Sunday was Mother's day. I helped my 3 girls make breakfast for Mommy, and they gave her cards they made a gift that I purchased with them. The gift is a pocketbook and my W immediately moved her stuff from existing pocketbook to the new one. My W's love language is gift-giving, and this was a round-about way to get her a gift. Afterwards, we spent the day remodeling and preparing for remodeling of the house.
At 3:30 my W went to person's house to exercise and said she would be home by 6 for dinner. At 5:30 she called to say she was on her way home (making up for not calling on Friday?) Interestingly, while I was finishing the BBQ she came out and told me about her exercise and how this one girl didn't show up. The girl decided not to go and spend Mother's day with her mom. I felt like asking my W where her priorities were since she went, while this other girl didn't.
Not much new to report, which could be construed as good.
Next week is my 22nd anniversary. I plan on sending my W flowers at work with a message, going to dinner with her, and I also got her a present of a ring. For the ring, I'm not sure if I'm going overboard. I wanted to get her a present, and while in Macy's they had this terrific sale and I saw this. It's a band with small rubies in the middle with tiny diamonds down each side so the overall effect is a red line.
My W enjoys nice presents. The cost of the ring was just over a day's salary for me (before taxes ).
Had my 3rd session with DB coach. Good advice that yes, I'm in a good situation, but since W is not fully engaged in R, need to keep DB-ing -- a full-court press.
When self-reflecting, I think some of the 180's have really taken hold and are now part of my personality/behavior. This is good.
On Thursday, my 2nd D had a school concert. My W left to the gym before I returned home (slightly late) and I took my 3 girls alone to concert. My W missing concert is not a big thing, but it is noticed. At 8:30 when we got home, my W was there and dressed to go out. Her girlfriend who's been out of town for 3 weeks, is back in town and was invited by a guy to go to a local bar to see a band play. My W was joining them.
My MIL is visiting so we don't need a babysitter. I was upset that my W was going out with GF and a guy. I told my W "why doesn't she invite me since GF is going with a guy and we have her Mom to babysit?" -- W told me that she didn't think of it, she planned on only talking to her GF. She said "yes, come".
While getting ready, my W lied on our bed and said "come here" wanting to cuddle. She's like this whenever she feels guilty. I wasn't in the mood, but I don't want to completely reject her so I sat down. She explained again why she didn't invite me.
Anyway, I went with them to a rather seedy bar with mostly 20-somethings and we stayed until midnight. To me, the older people in their late 20s or early 30s are mostly lost souls. Her GF is 31, single, unemployeed, and living in her parents house. One reason my W hangs out with her is that this GF is always available to do anything, since my W usually pays. I also know that my W sees this GF and sees the problems with her too.
My DB coach sees it as a good sign that while she didn't initially invite me, after I brought it up, I was welcome.
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