They are still there but they havent been at the forefront of this event at all. There has been a calmness to an extent regarding my W and my trust an fear and controlling. The only controlling has been me trying to save my family. Normally I would control for no good reason. Cant explain it other than the current sitch scared me straight a bit. I have been going to therapy about it also and have learned to self soothe a bit ... but the reality is that the LRT has forced me to step back and not be so concerned over what u cant control.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Im in a bit of a stalling mode right now, after W mentioned she would like to pay $4000 for a lawyers retainer for this week. Now, this would seriously hurt us financially and leave me with not much to handle things on my side legally. Ive been able to talk to her about mediation instead, where we would work with a network of attorneys and counselors that would work amicably and keep most of the stuff out of the courts. Thus keeping the cost down.
Now the problem with this is this may cause the whole thing to move faster, which I certainly dont want as I'm hoping time will start to heal some of the hurt.
Does anyone have any experience with this at all?
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Why does she get to spend $4000 on lawyers and leave you without the opportunity to do the same? You need to have the money for both, but my guess is you disagree as to how much $ can be earmarked for the legal process...
Also: $4k JUST FOR THE RETAINER? Insanity.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
The only controlling has been me trying to save my family. Normally I would control for no good reason.
Steve...do you think that's the way it should work?
I did exactly the same thing, and justified it exactly the same. The problem is, you can't control this. You have to let it go. You can only control you, and that's not enough to save the M. Control you, improve you, set W free, and see where things go.
PM: 4k - Yes I thought the same. Your right about why does she get to spend the 4k, that was my point with her about it. Although I am not sure what a normal retainer should be because when I first consulted with a lawyer I forgot to ask stupidly. I will call today and get some specifics.
Honestly I am avoiding bringing these things up and waiting for her to initiate these conversations. However she wants to also meet with a MC/Family Therapist (LMFT) to talk through how to deal with kids. I found a great one that was recommended but its a bit far (40 min away), not that distance should matter, and the MC said she is pro-marriage but also doesnt sugar coat things. Its important for me to figure out the best way for us to handle telling the kids and everything else, but I worry it may be risky if MC decides to probe the root cause of the split. Alhtough I would be ok, I dont think she may want to, so its concerning how to handle. I dont want to pressure this chance for us to talk with someone that is objective.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
BD: Each day is getting more clear that I have no control over this. Part of me always believed in not giving up, and that is why its hard to have my kids see this. Yes its justifying, I get that. I'm sorry I sound like Im not agreeing with you but I am. My emotions are high now because the W decided to call and ask me more about the mediation and the conversation went deeper, which led to emotions getting high and things being said in anger on both sides.
I needed to defend myself when she said I have have false expectations. Which 2 days ago I said please just do whatever you have to do to make YOU happy. As the talk went on it was good but then quickly took a turn for the worse when she said that. It's hard because you try not to show that your hurting but they sense it in something you say or the way you say it. She is crystal clear about moving on, so Im having a hard time convincing myself Im ok with it, even when I say the words.
She texts back after the call "i'm sorry, yelling is not going to get us anywhere. I respect ur feelings. I know ur hurt and upset. U also know how I feel. Like I said I just dont want you to have false expectations". WTF!! Say it again why dont you.
I think I wont answer this.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Got home yesterday after the above argument. I never responded but formulated many different responses but never sent. Although I was not in a great mood for obv reasons. I mistakenly ask about if she looked into job opportunities with a friend who oddly gave her some information about in front of me a couple weeks ago when things were just starting with us. She asks if I'm trying to start a fight, and it seemed like i did a bit honestly, I said no though. I go on to say, I just figured that since this is part of the process I would think you would have inquired by now. She gets mad and says "Your just confirming my decisions, thanks" and goes upstairs. Ugh - its so hard not to stay consistent with this, no one can do this without being angry and saying the wrong thing.
I give myself some time to gather myself and approach her and apologize. I said I brought home some anger from our previous conversation today, this is not easy having all these different emotions. She oddly agreed ... and she brought up that I didnt clearly mean what I said the other day about being ok with this and doing this amicably. I reassured her I did and we are not going to have great days with this as we move forward. I reiterated that this is all happening very fast and again we both have a lot of stuff we are dealing with ... and I just want to breath for a bit before we start making like changing decisions. She didnt say too much then, so I ended it with "I'm not asking for much, I know this is your choice, but please lets just take our time for everyone involved." Again she just looked down and didnt say much. I had to take my son to a game, so I changed the subject quick about that and tried to gracefully walk away.
I talked to friends of ours last night that went through this about 5-6 years ago. They were not amicable and they physically S for almost a year, they are obv together now. She said she couldnt stand her H during it. She said they were not nice to one another at all. He would go out at nights, then she would and they would argue about this and that. What stuck with me though is she implied she may have had OM (maybe just dating) involved during their seperation, and her H got involved and ended it. I explained thats what happened with me although we were still married. She said - yeah she probably hates you for that because I did when my H did that. I know I didnt make the OM go back to his wife, he seemed to run scared back to his family, but I dont think my W has processed that yet, or maybe she has and still blames me. I know she has talked to her C about this, but obviously her goal is to end the M, so the C is getting her through that.
Just venting here ... needed to get some perspective as I am trying to take this one day at a time.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
Roller coaster? When the first bomb dropped i thought it was all me but W didnt share the EA till almost a month after. Then for the last week it was all emotions and anger. Well then we had 3 what seemed like good days of what thought was a try at healing .. she dropped the second bomb of her appt with lawyer. I know this is short compared to many on here - but I just feel I have to realistically get my kind set for the worst.
steveh27, that's the exact timeline I had. I was told she was done and I needed to move out, then a month later she told me about the EA that had been going on for months.
You have got to figure out a way to detach and not react emotionally to this stuff. If that means turning ALL emotions off, then do it...at least for now. You need to get control of yourself ASAP.
I was posting about this very same topic earlier in the week, but the WAW seems like she is in a big hurry, doesn't she? I think it's a combination of 1) them feeling bottled up for so long, and 2) because they have their own insecurities about their feelings. Her feelings to D are strong RIGHT NOW! And she wants to act while she feels strongly because she's afraid her feelings will change or she realizes that these aren't true and rational feelings. So the WAW has to strike while the iron is hot!
It seems very irrational, but - just from reading this MB - also seems to be very typical behavior. That probably isn't very comforting, but at least know that you aren't alone here!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You have got to figure out a way to detach and not react emotionally to this stuff. If that means turning ALL emotions off, then do it...at least for now. You need to get control of yourself ASAP.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Right now your emotions are controlling you and nothing good will come from that. I understand how much it hurts and how confusing it is but nothing you say right now is going to make a bit of difference, especially with your emotions where they are. You need to create some distance and avoid all these types of talks at all costs.
You said you wanted to breathe and slow things down...so what's stopping you???
You don't have to engage in these talks, seems you initiate many of them. You don't have to discuss D, try to figure anything out now, help W with any of it, or go to a counselor/ therapist until you are ready. If she wants this so bad let her do everything and (most importantly) act as if you're fine with it. You love her enough to want to see her happy.
So what plans do you have this weekend?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Steve, I'll echo PM and spartan's comments. You've got to back away...your emotions are running high, you are hurt, scared, and you are lashing out. That is counter-productive if you are wanting to save the M.
Are you exercising? For me, it was a huge help in centering myself. What are you doing for you? Any old hobbies you want to pick up again? What is something you've always wanted to try but didn't?
It wasn't long ago I felt like I was constantly spinning...things seemed out of control. You have to focus on you and GAL. You have to find YOU again....and with that, you'll find some calmness, some peace, and likely, some clarity.
