we own a business - pt 9 ... its about me!

[makingmagic]

well, he just called... i answered

said that he just doesn't know about anything... just work right now. Who knows what the future holds. He has a 20 year history wtih me, has feelings for me, cares about my daughter.... these are the positives.

He says he doesn't hate me and wants to get along.

He just needs more space & wants to renovate. He needs changes in his life and feels so do I.

I tried to validate.

I have client appointments..... I guess I should be there.

[ThisDayForward]

Ok now continue to GAL (true GAL), detach. Don't come on here every other txt and ask if you should respond. You know if it is important and if it is not.

Can you get a job and let husband do business by himself for a few months.

[kml]

Now is the time to ACT AS IF.
Act as if you are a strong woman who expects and deserves better treatment.
Act as if you have let go and are moving forward with your life.
Act as if you have better things to do with your time than obsess about him.
Act as if you are growing and changing into a better person.

In a game of tug of war, so long as you pull on the rope, the other person pulls back. But when you suddenly let go of the rope, the other person falls down.

Let go of the rope. Don't badger him for a commitment. Don't fish for reactions. Do your work, call him only when needed for work, end the calls first when you can. Make other plans for your life, AS IF he's not coming back. (He's much more likely to come back if he sees you moving on - so long as you're pressuring him he can't figure out what he wants because he's too busy REacting against you).

Fix whatever things about you that you think you can improve that may have contributed to the relationship problems.

If you can't afford to see a therapist, think about going to an appropriate 12 step program. I think you might benefit from a co-dependency group, but maybe you have other issues - are you perhaps an adult child of an alcoholic?

The important thing right now is to LET GO and to WORK ON YOU. You do NOT have control over whether he comes back or not - but you DO have control over your behavior and your self-improvement, so put the focus there. It WILL pay off.

And please - follow our advice and contact an attorney, just to find out what your legal rights are, since it seems to me you are in a very vulnerable financial position. Knowledge is power.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey waiting ~

While much of what your guy may say could be garble, him saying he needs space is 100% true. Show him that you are listening to him. Give it to him.

It is the number one way to love him right now, from a distance.

Let's start thinking of some GAL ideas! Change is good...

[makingmagic]

Thanks All ~ I just feel like I have been giving space... and that I was GAL (maybe not with detachment), but still yanno?... I don't text or call to "chat" and neither does he. So I became/am discouraged.

I will find the time to start living more of a normal life. I will help Mom around the house, cook some meals, clean (I haven't been) ... guilt.

I will continue to socialize with friends, they seem to really care & help ALOT.

I will focus more on my daughter, she deserves the attention (not H).

I will organize my business life... in kind of a paper mess.

I will go to the doctor, and inquire about better meds, therapy, and sleeping pills (for the tough days only).

I will look into legal advice.

I will "ACT AS IF"... because I deserve better!


Should I go remove/take down more of my belongings out of the house as he asked? Even if I just put it into the attic? or let him do it?

[~ kd ~]

Since he's asked you to "move" stuff at the house, then doing so certainly would indicate you are listening to him. If you don't do it, there certainly is a risk that he'd resent you for not listening.

You would need to decide whether you would store the stuff at the attic or take it out.

Which would get you closer to your goals?

Which decision would show him that you are moving forward?

And lastly, do you even know WHEN he is planning on renovating? He might be SAYING that he is going to renovate, but may never actually do it.

[MrBond]

"I have ignored all client calls,"

Don't do that. Your business is your livlihood. You don't want to end up broke.

"We have appointments for today, that I just don't want to deal with. I don't want to face him either."

Suck it up. As hard as it is, you can't let your business suffer.

"Do I reply to his text? if so, what do I say?"

No.

"Now that I have done what I have done, what do I do."

Nothing.

"I am trying to be dim, but hard to do and work together. He notices that I end the convo's early, and he wonders what "work" I do all day when I am not contacting him."

From your threads I don't see where you say he "wonders". He may ask out of politeness, but now to the point where he wonders about you.

"He mentioned that he was surprised that I did give him the space that he asked for, he was surprised that I could do it."

Good.

"I said that I had no other choice."

Bad. Don't you see how just by saying that you put all the blame back onto him? Do you really think he needs or wants a guilt trip from you? Will that attract him back to you? You should have told him that you understood that he needed space and that you just want him to have peace. Stop interjecting your own needs into this.

"Mr. Bond, I am still on meds and cannot afford a therapist."

Try to get one.

"And yes, I am the doormat... afraid to do anything to stand up for myself for fearing of disappointing him and/or making him mad... like NOW."

No you're not. I don't know how many times I can explain this to you. Your "fear" of not doing the right thing isn't because of him. It's because of YOU. You're insecure and are constantly looking and asking for validation. Just like you're doing on here. TO YOU, you don't think that you get appreciated enough, so you do something else and constantly ask for validation. But when someone doesn't express it in a way that YOU WANT, you say that they don't understand or that you're under appreciated.

Just from your responses here, it is VERY evident and I wish you could afford to see a T to see that it's not just my opinion.

"I will "ACT AS IF"... because I deserve better!"

See that's the WRONG attitude. You act "as if" because you want to respect his wanting space. You keep making about yourself and YOUR needs.

"Should I go remove/take down more of my belongings out of the house as he asked? Even if I just put it into the attic? or let him do it?"

Let him do it. You are not obligated to do anything in a home that you've been asked to vacate.

[ThisDayForward]

You have a thriving business but can't afford a therapist. Some thing sounds off

[MrBond]

By the way, when we tell you that you should concentrate on you, we mean to make yourself stronger because your boyfriend can't right now. Increasing your self esteem doesn't mean that you become self-centered.

[makingmagic]

well, Therapy costs $160/visit. I do not have coverage. I do not take a salary, yet. I saw a therapist 3 times, all she wanted me to do was to GAL.... what more could she say at this point? I cannot afford to pay $160 to vent and cry to have her repeat herself.

I have sucked it up for today... we had a good business day, he bought hot chocolate for us between clients. Another client again at 6pm. Focus on business.