I don't post often here, but do follow many situations. As I was reading the most recent posts from Intact an Papa4life regarding the kind of knee jerk responses of our spouses when they decide to drop their bombs on us and our children, I was struck with an experience with my own WAH or H in midlife crisis. It is more of an observation than anything else, but maybe some of the vets on this site can offer some insight into it.
I can think of three different times other than the initial BD when my H who is normally very calm cool and collected, got almost a panicky urgent need to get information out on the table. All three times involved delivering very difficult information to our three boys, such as, "I am leaving home and moving elsewhere." "I don't see your Mom and I as being able to reconcile" and "I have filed for divorce." In all three instances, his timing was not good, for various reasons, the setting not conducive to a conversation about a serious topic, and all three times, he did this before some big event in his own life. Example, he wrote a letter to our boys, who are all in college, to tell them he was filing for divorce, the night before he left for a two week trip to Hong Kong.
In each instance, my H who is a lawyer, and who normally has his act together, who is meticulous at assessing when, where and what to say in a given situation, kind of lost his s@#t, and came off in panic mode, looking very unglued as he delivered his message. I haven't really heard the word "spew" used anywhere as much as on this site, but it does describe the visual. When I watch him during these times, he is a completely different person, and he can't wait to get the words out fast enough and be done with it and take off.
I don't have any great insights into this. But it is a consistent behavior I have observed and one that I find myself having to pick up the pieces after he unloads his burden of information. We have been married for 27 years, and this is truly weirdly aberrant behavior for my H. I have to believe it must scare him a little also, as he must know this is weird for him.
I don't have any great proven advice on this, but when able, try to get agreement about how and when and where the difficult conversations with children take place. I know this is not easy. In the three instances I referenced above, I had no warning.....he just had to get it out for whatever reason. Our boys are older, ages 19-23 so they are old enough to see their Dad's behavior for what it is, which is slightly helpful, but no less hurtful. In the instance of the letter, the three of them agreed not to read his letter. They told me later, they knew it would be more of the same, and they are sick of hearing about how unhappy he is.
There must be something about the mindset of the WAS that they become impulsive at times to the great detriment of those who love them. Or I wonder if the WAS has plotted and staged their exit strategy for soooooo long, that they finally, get sick of waiting and detonate.
