NILWY - There is this "chemistry" b/w us

[Kim65]

It's been a good ten days since I've had a chance to get back to the DB site.

KD - I'm H's 2nd partner, his first wife had 2 daughters from a previous R when they met. H and his W were together for 16yrs. H was devastated when she left, H and I meet approximately 5 months later...

I've visited H's father and siblings last week, was great to see them and his dad looks well considering what he's been through. They are all at a loss and are disappointed with his actions, his father is particularly up set with him. I didn't make our "breakup" the focus of my visit,I had a good day with them.

I moved out over the weekend. H was away while this happened as he said he didn't want to be there. On the Friday am H was very quiet, was mostly up in his room which was not the norm. I went to leave for work so went to his room and said I'll see you tonight when you get home from work before u go. He looked a me with a blank expression on his face and shock his head. I said to him " well good bye??!" H nodded... I turned around, walked up the passage way and could feel myself getting upset, and said "so that's it then"... he called out to me and followed me, I was crying, just felt that the last 8&1/2 yrs ment nothing.

H did hug me for a moment,again said I need to move on. It's not goodbye as I'd still see him, just not in the way I wanted. I told him that all I wanted was to say a decent goodbye to each other. I said It was ok for him as he had moved on, just like that!!... H still had no expression on his face, said that he "fell in love with someone else" .... I told him that I still love him, he say how could you after all I've done to you?? I said I just do...

I turned and left, it was not the way I had planed for us to say bye!! . I did all the things I shouldn't of.... let my emotions get the better of me. Now all I can do is leave him be, get on with GAL, keep busy and look after myself. In time he will call although I do have to contact him in regards to an appointment to have an agreement written up about the house.

I'll just keep reading the DM and DB books and look forward to the holiday that we had planned together in around 8 weeks time which we both still intend to go on together, even if it is as friends!!! I still don't understand how the OW is going to be happy about him going?? Not that's my concern, he has sworn that he is still going to go. H has been the one through out his mess that has pushed for us to continue to go?

I'm now at the start of a new chapter in my life, I'll move forward and maybe one day H will decide to "catch up"... and maybe he won't. But as we all know time, will tell.....

[~ kd ~]

The "good bye" was certainly not what you hoped and unfortunately would not have been as those "fairy tale" endings generally are for in hollywood movies. Even if he stopped you and spun you around and told you not to leave, that he had changed his mind... it probably would have been a good idea for you to continue on, anyhow. The two of you really need to dig deep, work on yourselves, and see if you could eventually have a new and better M.

He really does believe that he simply fell in love with someone else. He likely does not realize that it did not happen spontaneously, that he actively pursued someone else. And... that what he is feeling, is not necessarily love, rather some variation of appreciation and lust. Statistically, affairs do not end up surviving and being long term. Once reality sinks in, his A is likely to end.

So, it still puts you back to working on yourself. Grow and become an even more awesome woman whom only a fool would leave. Keep the focus on yourself, GAL, do any 180s that you feel are important. It could help save your M and at least it will help you in any future R or M, whether with your H or with someone else.

[Kim65]

Your right KD, those "fairy tale" endings are in hollywood movies!!.. And if he had spun me around, told me not to leave,that he'd changed his mind I still would have left. As much as I still love him I know that we would have had to start again....

And yes he does believe that he has "just fallen in love with her".... H has told me he and OW had had "feelings" for each other for sometime.... or has it been lust?? From what H told me he still "loved" me up until he and OW got physical with each other which was 4 weeks before he told me about the A,and than "fell out of love" with me during that time??. And then "fallen in love" with OW within the following month... I do agree with you that what he could be feeling, is not necessarily love, rather some variation of appreciation and lust.

I almost forgot to mention KD that I did look into ACOA, and seems I have been affected by an alcoholic parent far more than I had thought!! A test I took said I had been profoundly affected.. And now realize more so of why I am who I am, not just me but my brothers as well. The three of us are all very similar and I realize why!! Lots of characteristics which are me! Was an eyeopener to say the least.. Thankyou

Now that I'm moving into another chapter on this journey, I'm guessing that I should start another thread????

I have really appreciated your input KD, it has helped me stay sane and I thank you!!.. So now as you said, I will work on my self and become an even more awesome woman whom only a fool would leave, and keep the focus on myself.

[~ kd ~]

I'm glad that you were able to find some answers to your behaviours by researching ACOA. Even when we know these things, it remains a work in progress to make the necessary changes to have a more full, healthy life and relationships. It gets better, of course. And understand that we can all have backslides, now and then.

No need to start another thread. Keep posting here until your thread reaches 100 posts (yours and others, included).

Of course, if you WANT to start another thread now, that is fine.

[Kim65]

I've now been in my new "home" for 11 days. All unpacked and settling in. I've had very mixed feelings since being here, ups and downs.

I don't mind my own company as before I met H I spent a good 6 1/2 to 7 yrs on my own. I do miss H though, I miss his company, just knowing that he was sitting in the same room was comforting and hearing his voice is something that I miss. I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly 2 weeks, seems like 2 months!!... I wonder if he misses me in some small way?? I almost feel that the 8 1/2 years we spent together means nothing now, and that makes me very sad..

I'm in the process of having an agreement drawn up about the house. Therefore I will have to contact him in the next week or two with a appointment time with a solicitor.

As far as GAL, I've been out to the movies with friends, shopping for bits and pieces for the unit. Going out for tea tomorrow night, have also been invited around to a work friends home for a meal on Friday night. Saturday night I'm planning to "go out" for the first time in months. Getting back into my exercise routine as moving threw my routine out. I'm naturally a homebody and It's getting into winter weather over here so going out in the cold is not something I'm keen on.

On Saturday it will be 6 weeks until our holiday to the Cook Islands. This is giving me something positive to focus on and I am really looking forward to having some "down" time and just getting the chance to spend some "one on one" with H. At the same time I know I will need to give us both some space while we are there as well. I just want to have a gr8 time and maybe get him thinking about the women he's giving up!!.. I will be upset & disappointed if he ends up changing his mind as he has sworn that he is going... We'll wait and see if the OW has got her claws in deep enough to change his mind, despite him saying she won't???

[~ kd ~]

It is good that you are getting settled in your new place.

Sure, you are going to continue to deal with emotions regarding how things are, right now. It needs to happen and take what time you need to work through those emotions. It sounds cliché, but it does get better.

Even though you are feeling down about the broken R, it certainly DID mean something. To you... and surely with your H. There were good times, most likely much more than bad. Neither you nor your H can deny that.

Keep GALing and working on yourself. The future is uncertain and good things WILL come to you. Maybe... you may R... otherwise, set yourself up for a better future, no matter what.

I do want you to think positively about your upcoming vacation. I also would like to remind you that you can have a good time there, no matter what. So, what would happen if your H changed your mind? Would you still go on the vacation?

[PatientMan]

In the end he stormed off to bed, a few minutes later H came out and said " For what it's worth, over the last three months there have been times that I wish I could have turned back the clock but I can't, I'm in to deep,I've made a commitment to her".

I stupidly said it's still not to late, why can't we give it a try??? H just said I can't....

Wow, practically verbatim what my W told me.

I see you found the online 5LL quiz. Here's the link for anyone else reading who is interested.

Regarding your "goodbye", don't dwell on your mistakes. Learn from them and move past them.

Regarding your thread title: when I first read it I thought you meant chemistry with you, but after reading your posts it appears you meant his chemistry with OW. Is that correct? Or has he told you there is still chemistry between the two of you as well?

-PM

[Kim65]

KD I know that our R did mean Something to H. And that were way many good times and very few bad, non really?? It's just that not hearing from him since I moved out makes me sad. Even a "hope ur ok" would be nice.

I did a "no no" saturday night. I'd been out, had a good time and had a few drinks (well more than a few lol), came home and started thinking how much I missed H. I ended up sending him a text message at 2am in the morning. All I said was "I miss U H :(", but I know that has probably set me back. Needless to say I've there has been no reply, nothing!!...

I am feeling positive about our upcoming holiday, although there are family and friends that think I'm mad for going... They are worried that I will only take a step backwards and be back to square one. I've told them I'm not going with any expectations, apart from having a good time. If H does go back on his word and not go I will be disappointed as it was his idea that we still go together. But I will still board the plane and go anyway, I need the break, recharge and think/reflect.

I'm see myself as an old pair of shoes, that are comfortable and know that they fit well, which have been shoved into the back of the wardrobe as you don't quite want to throw them out.

I see the OW as the bright shiny new pair of shoes that have taken the place of the old ones. You wear them, think they look nice but the longer they are on you feet you find they are not as comfortable as you first thought. You then find they cause blisters and make your feet hurt. You then realize that you would much prefer to be wearing those old comfy ones after all.... We shall see??

[Kim65]

PM - thanks for your input!!

I try not to be dwelling on my mistakes, I seem to be making a few!!

And yes my thread title I now realize is a little confusing. I did mean H told me that "there is this chemistry between him and the OW" and that he's not "in love" with me anymore, but "cares for me deeply".

[AnotherStander]

All I said was "I miss U H :(", but I know that has probably set me back. Needless to say I've there has been no reply, nothing!!...

That's OK, we all backslide now and then. But remember that reaction (or lack of a reaction) and if you're ever tempted to send a similar message just remember how flat this one fell.

I'm see myself as an old pair of shoes, that are comfortable and know that they fit well, which have been shoved into the back of the wardrobe as you don't quite want to throw them out.

I see the OW as the bright shiny new pair of shoes that have taken the place of the old ones. You wear them, think they look nice but the longer they are on you feet you find they are not as comfortable as you first thought. You then find they cause blisters and make your feet hurt. You then realize that you would much prefer to be wearing those old comfy ones after all.... We shall see??

You're not an old pair of shoes. You need to do things for yourself that remind you that you too are a shiny pair of new shoes. Go get your hair done. Start tanning. Whiten your teeth. Spruce up your wardrobe. Lose a few pounds if you need to. Exercise. Change your perfume. Go out dancing. Get that image of "old comfy shoes" out of your head. There's a story in DR of a woman who did all this and suddenly her WAH was drawn like a magnet back to her. I'm sure he saw her as those old shoes, but once he left her, she remade herself and started drawing the attention of men again, and suddenly he realized SHE was the new pair of shiny shoes.