They are just crazy, and miserable, and always right, ...
Originally Posted By: wishing,hoping
My H is negative all the time too.
May I ask how long your H's have been this way?
Originally Posted By: kml
Ummm....your signature says you've been married for 21 years, so that would mean he's been this way for 20 out of 21 years of the marriage. I would assume that THIS is who he is, and he was just able to put on a pretty face for the first couple of years that you knew him.
It started with the birth of S20 and got progressively worse with each child.
But it used to be just towards me, and somewhat to S20.
For the last 10 years its grown toward the world at large. The "squish" game started about 8 years ago. Before bd, well before, like maybe 3 years ago, I told H I was worried about him because he had no "joy" in his life.
Before bd I just figured "Oh well, I married a jerk. Life happens, make the best of it, play with the cards you're dealt."
And then kaboom. So now I'm left in the post-bomb debris wondering what I would be "standing" for - ya know?
Because for me its not like it is for so many others here, who hope for a return to pre bomb life. There is actually very little difference between pre and post bomb here; some exceptions are now there is no affection - before it was initiated by me and I've of course stopped that, and now there's no sex. (Interesting sidebar here, H has stopped commenting on boobs. And he used to do that ad nauseum. H says too that he no longer has any interest in sex, never thinks about it.)
IDK, just musing about the beastie here I presume the status quo will continue for another 16 months or so - when the twins would leave for college (unless of course the IL's take a turn for the worse). And then? And then I don't know. Time will tell.
Off to get ready for the day! Looking forward to "life as a blond"
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
You sound very strong these days and more amused than hurt by the things your H says and does. Actually, I am a bit amused myself. My xSO are separated so I guess I miss all that fun stuff. I get the fantasy talk that I am to be "best man" should they ever marry.
I would not blame you at all if you ultimately decide that you do not want to stay in the situation that you are in. Sometimes things are really that broken. Know that whatever you decide, we support you.
I always knew my H was a man who spent his life searching for fairness from the world, the people he came in contact with, and how his life is/was to turn out. His search was/is endless, and the grass was always green on the other side.
Throughout our M we were on that other side, I did see that he was not satisfied and he needed more, and the more, and the more became, ''why'', why do "they" have more.
That was always in him, I just saw it as a healthy need to succeed. He started screaming and criticizing as soon as he saw his limitations, oh darn we weren't going to be millionaires.
Now he tells me he is only returning to the person he always was, he just tried life the ''right'' way, M, kids, house, because he thought that was going to make him happy.
I met/married a man in some kind of transitional experiment to see if he could prove to himself that he wasn't a dark thinking, miserable, looser, who hated the world, and preferred to be angry.
I don't know if he's bi-polar, narcissistic, or Borderline personality disorder, my guess is any of those fit him, and yes it was always in him!
I mistook ambition and hunger as a young man's prerogative in life, when he was just trying to see if he could mask himself, from the world, and himself!
H says too that he no longer has any interest in sex, never thinks about it
My H is the same, he claims to have no interest, but just over the weekend he said he's in full ED, w/no sensation. Then he said, I'm glad, it's probably better. BS, they are the guys that can't face that they have an issue and fix it, so it a ''good thing".
Just like it's good that people die, and cities get flooded, H doesn't know how to handle when life goes of course.
Can they be the person us LBS are "standing" for ever again? I am soo scared that even if he was to ''try again'' he's just putting on a different mask, and then for how long?
I'm turning 46yr this Fri, I hate living in IL and stayed for H, I am weighing out how much I am going to continue to invest, honestly I would leave today, I have very little faith. I'm just waiting for that to be fully ok w/me
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
My H is the same, he claims to have no interest, but just over the weekend he said he's in full ED, w/no sensation.
This is a MAJOR warning sign for possible heart disease.
You see, atherosclerosis doesn't just affect the blood vessels in the heart - it also affects the blood vessels leading to the sex organs. And doctors are now realizing that when a man presents to the urologist with erectile dysfunction, he should also be sent to the cardiologist and be evaluated for heart disease risk.
Other causes include low testosterone, medication side effects (especially some antidepressants), depression itself, hypothyroidism, or a pituitary benign tumor causing high prolactin levels.
Hi Portia, D.Marie and KML (and all you lurkers out there )
Am I having more fun as a blonde?
Not yet. Been extremely busy. Work (wonderfuljob) has kept me hopping, and H had hernia surgery Friday, and S16 has had track qualifiers and meets.
Not sure if I'm amused or bemused about H. Truly think I'm getting more and more annoyed with him each passing day. Oh, and we had a bit of a blow up too. It was Saturday evening, H handed me a paper and said to call the number because the surgery nurse told him that number was to a 24 hour nurse line. I looked at the paper and said I didn't think that was right, that the paper said it was regarding workers comp coverages. H, angry voice, just call the number!! So I call, and got a recording talking about different states' coverages etc. I put it on speaker so H could hear as well. And you know, he just doesn't like being wrong at all, so he called me a b!tch. And you know, I just don't like being called a b!tch so I left the room.
Aha! Distance! Aha! Pursuit! H drags his post surgery carcass upstairs to tell me "this is what he doesn't like about me" and so forth and so on. Worst part, S16 overhears.
And S16 is NOT happy about what he hears. And lets H know. And H plays it off as a joke, as "we're just talking, that's what married people do, don't read anything into it."
Poor boy. I felt soooo bad for him.
And more words the next morning (all the kids were out of the house)
Mostly just a rehash of other "talking" times. Things of interest.
1. H apologized. He apologized for calling me a b!tch and he apologized for the argument in general. (IDK what this is about, H doesn't normally do apologies. Well, when you're "king" you don't have to I guess. "King" would be H's nickname for himself.)
2. One of the phrases S16 overheard was from me, "if our marriage is over...." H says he thought it was odd S16 didn't emphasize on "the positive" of that. I had to ask what the positive of that was. Apparently it was the word "if".
H still seems firmly of the opinion that it ain't over til he says its over. Says the "bomb" is history, can't I just get over it, what's wrong with me, why am I so emotional, why can't I be logical like him.
And then he left for the casino. He's due back today. Yay.
D.Marie ~ seems like you have a doozy in your H too. He sounds very frustrated with himself, and I know how hard that is to live with.
KML, I asked H to speak to the dr. about T levels back at bomb drop but it was a no go.
Oh, and one more thing that made me spitefully chuckle. H, after some of our "talking" showed me his phone texts with OW. She was being oh so concerned for H's hernia blah blah blah and then she mentioned that she too was having health issues. H didn't respond to that in the following text, so she brought it back up with "I can hardly breathe and barely see" H's texts still paid no attention to this subject. So I asked him what was wrong with her.
HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD NEVER ASKED HER!!!
ROFLMAO!! The love of his life is gasping for her very breath and H doesn't even express any interest! Lol! Welcome to my world, b!tch!
.... hey, maybe I am having more fun!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm sorry that your son had to hear his father speaking to you that way. I'm sure he was very upset and not happy w/his father at that time. Your son may come back to you at a later time and question you about the conversation...be honest w/him.
Mlcers do not like to be wrong and boy he was wrong about that telephone number. Can I assume he's feeling better after the surgery since he went to the casino. Most people are down for the count for a few days w/pain, etc.
Well, the man does like to control the world, now doesn't he? He's going to dictate when it's over? Life is a two way street and I hate to burst his little bubble, but you could call it quits and move on and he still be sitting on the curb playing King Tut. He really does need a light bulb moment.
At least you got a bird's eye view of the relationship he has w/the OW...it's nothing more than a buddy to pal around w/if he doesn't know what is wrong w/her health. Talk about the song "Me, Me, and more Me".
I do hope that you are taking care of yourself and are still enjoying your job. There's nothing you can do, but laugh about some of the stuff that he does or says because you sure can't make it up.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry that your son had to hear his father speaking to you that way. I'm sure he was very upset and not happy w/his father at that time. Your son may come back to you at a later time and question you about the conversation...be honest w/him.
This was definitely hard to witness. S16, and of course it was the more sensitive of the 2, was obviously not happy. And not happy with H's "its just talking" spin. I did tell S16 that I was sorry he was upset and that if he wanted to talk to me, or ask me any questions, he was welcome to. So far he hasn't.
"...be honest w/him." I would be. I don't volunteer info, and wouldn't go into detail, but if was asked anything straight out, I would answer it honestly. Because I think living with half-truths and secrets is worse than living with the unknown and letting one's imagination fill in the blanks.
The job is still good. I'm getting more responsibility now, a mixed blessing, but ultimately good. Track meets have been taking up so much of my time of late that I haven't had as many hours at fastfoodland - another mixed blessing. (Heard a "word that should be" the other day, BLURSING - a blessing and a curse. That applies to a lot of things lately )
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
I think you just discovered a new line of Hallmark cards. I know I would buy one...
My what a twisted line of greeting cards that would be! Instead of hearts and flowers it could feature smashed cell phones
And in other news... I'm a step-grandmother for the 6th time as of this morning. SS31 and his LT GF just had their 3rd child, a girl. The first grand daughter. This doesn't really impact my family too much as we rarely see SS31 and his family - they live 12+ hours away. Think the last time we saw them was maybe 7 years ago? This would be just a part of H's sad story - one of broken relationships and broken promises...
H is at the casino.
S20 is moving back home on Monday. He made it almost 2 months out of the house. Wasn't getting along well with his roomie.
D18 is supposed to phone the local police Tue morning. IDK why, she says she doesn't either. Sigh. I guess if they don't want to hear from her until Tue it might not be too serious? Sigh sigh sigh.
S16A has district track meet tomorrow. He really enjoys this, so that makes it fun
S16B is working beaucoup hours at his own fastfoodland job and looking forward to his school trip to FL.
I, am thinking I need a vacation... lol. Not happening. But I'll have to think of something fun to do pretty soon. I have started walking first thing in the morning!! (Yay for me and I've lost.... wait for it.... TWO WHOLE POUNDS!! lol that's ok, slow but steady, that's me) And probably the best part of the walking routine is that it annoys H
Hope everyone has a good weekend and stays safe.
Cheers!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I hope that you get an opportunity to relax just a bit today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I presume the status quo will continue for another 16 months or so - when the twins would leave for college (unless of course the IL's take a turn for the worse). And then? And then I don't know. Time will tell.
Poor boy. I felt soooo bad for him.
