Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

Yes, it's hard to sit there and watch and know that helping doesn't help. It feels very parental, instead of spousal.

Scatter-shooting:

1) I've been doing fairly well lately, with various periods of tumult, but only on the inside. For example, this morning she texts me to ensure I will be with our D's this evening. Of course, my mind immediately starts racing with the worst possible thought: a date or encounter with OM. Internally:

Why does she need me this evening?
Where is she going?
Is this just to try and give me a taste of my own medicine?
Is she really going to blatantly start dating while we are still M?
...???

As I'm typing up my response of, "yes, I'll be headed to the house after work", she informs me that she wants to teach a class this evening...so it was work.

Calm down, PM, you aren't yet as detached as you think.

Also, last night I came over after class because our house keys got switched up. It was after 10pm. I made a bunch of noise with the keys and the lock (not on purpose - just testing) and went upstairs to kiss the girls and check on them. She didn't come out of her bedroom or say anything. I even waited around an extra minute or so to see if she would say anything or even send a text.

Nothing.

So as I'm driving away I have the urge to text her: "are you ignoring me or should I be worried about the security of my children because you slept through all that? Because it's gotta be one of those two."

Of course I didn't send it. Calm down PM, calm down. You aren't as detached as you think.

2) The kids have been laying on the guilt lately - at least I know *I* have been feeling it. They know things aren't right, but maybe the saddest part is the older 3 don't even ask if I'm spending the night anymore. They know the answer. The little one asked me right in front of her just a week or two ago, and continues to ask. She has been very clingy to me lately, and in front of W, so I know she sees it.

I don't want W to see this because I want to torture her, I just want her to know these decisions DO have an effect on the kids, and things aren't as rosy as she wants them to be or pretends and hopes they will be.

The kids seem to know Mom is very fragile right now, and have been counting on me more for emotional support. So I don't know how much they are actually talking to her about things. And if they're silent about it, she can pretend they're okay with everything.

They are not.

3) I remember this past December. "Photos of the girls" actually meant "family photos of me with the girls - PM not invited." That one stung me that day, I must admit. D7 even noticed and remarked, "Dad, why aren't YOU getting dressed too?" That was a tough day.

4) It's very easy to go into someone else's thread, diagnose things, and spit out a prescription that is probably pretty good advice. It's very difficult to detach myself from my own situation enough to diagnose and then prescribe myself the appropriate treatment. I keep wondering if I am handling things the right way. Or if I should be friendlier, and when I should start.

I know that I can't think of how she is going to react, so my answer is: I need to keep this space as long as I feel this way when I am around her. Even though I feel this way around her, I still want to reconcile, and I certainly don't ENJOY feeling this way towards her. So when these feelings stop, then I can start letting her back in - as a friend.

Can I trust those feelings? Any takers?

4) Did I mention my grandmother passed away two weeks ago? I didn't tell W either. I didn't consciously not tell her, I just didn't think about it while she was around. The kids and I are headed out of town this weekend to see family, and I am going to tell them tonight. She gets to go be with her husband...that's a good thing.

I decided to tell W last night, in case any questions came up, but she wasn't awake...

5) I booked a room at the beach for me and the girls to go on a trip this summer. I promised them we'd go to the beach, so we're going to the beach.

-PM