Hit hard still taking another step forward.

[cbtdad]

T,
Why are you worried about her going on a girly vacation?

[T1000]

I don't want to take another week off work.

The thought of having a 1 year old and 3 year old for 7-9 days straight by myself is going to be hard work too.


At the same time I will get to have my kids for the week. I will have a full week to bond with them and have some fun.
I follow through something my W thought was happening whether it was or wasn't.

I get to get past insecure jealous thoughts of her on girly vacation.

Hard to say what is best for me because each action I take has a reaction good or bad. I suppose that goes back to what you were saying about thinking A vs. B etc.

[T1000]

T,
Why are you worried about her going on a girly vacation?

I have seen what some women can get up to on a girly vacation. I struggled with her having a hen party.

[T1000]

I'm insecure.

[stilllookingup]

10:09, 15 May - W: Just double checking you are able to still have the kids for a week at the end of June?
10:28, 15 May - T1000: Sorry no I can't, not unless someone cancels a holiday.
10:31, 15 May - W: Seriously??? I booked that time slot with you months in advance
10:38, 15 May - T1000: You asked me. I never said I could do it.
10:38, 15 May - W: Erm....yes you did!!
10:53, 15 May - T1000: I said possibly the end of June.

Again your text with wife - I don't know the truth here but it reminds me of old me getting angry with my H when he didn't remember what I asked him to do. IT made me so mad he would text back like "no I can't what are you talking about?" You don't do well talking about kids stuff via texts, so think twice what you write back after you get the first text from your w.

I, we on this board understand what you went through in April but she doesn't. I'm sure in her mind she's gone through a lot why can I get a week off? It seems like she has a spiky personality and it'll take a lot of effort for both of you to be able to discuss each other's needs without blaming each other.

As for insecurity, does your w know you were possibly doing that because you didn't want her to go no a girly vacation? Hopefully not. If I did find out that it was your motivation I'm sorry but I'd be so pi@@ed. I'd feel like you were so controlling.

[cbtdad]

I'm insecure.

T, I completely understand this. But that is definitely something you need to work on. You know that though. If she thinks that is the reason for you not helping that will be a very bad thing. Im not trying to mindread your W, but based on some of her responses in your text I think she thinks that is part of the reason. If one good thing has come out of this for me is that it has helped with my jealous and controlling ways.
You cant control what she does or does not do on vacation. You know that.
Also, I understand your being fearful of having kids that long. Tust me, I just had my 3 year old for 10 days. Its was tough, but so worth it in the end. Got to spend some great time with him

[T1000]

Thanks for input cbt.
I know I have to get this jealousy sorted out. You would think I would have done over the last 10 months.

@ gabbysmom23
I take every Friday afternoon off work to drive a 3 hour round trip to pick them up. I also spend 3 hours every Sunday taking them back.
She does no driving and has every weekend off and nearly all public holidays.

I can get the week off, at a push. There was some frowning going on.

I have texted her nearly four hours ago:
Which dates do you need in June?

Not heard anything back yet but Whatsapp tells me she has read the message.
If she gives me the dates I can maybe work the weekend and get my Mom to do a day for me.

Is she not replying to cut her nose off to spite her face?
Has the vacation deal lapsed?
Just really pi55ed?
Has she asked her Mom to have kids?

Maybe I should send:
Hi,
I gave you the impression I was going to get the time off work.
I let you down.
I will do what I can to help you go away with your friends.
If you still want to go, tell me the dates you need and I will do my best to sort something out.

[T1000]

W responded without me sending the other text:

17:37, 15 May - W: Last week then beginning of July
17:38, 15 May - T1000: 24th until the 1st?
17:39, 15 May - W: No. From 27ish
17:41, 15 May - T1000: Until the 4th?
18:14, 15 May - W: I need to be flexible from the 29th to the 8th July to get a good deal
18:28, 15 May - T1000: Ok, I sorted out the 24-28 this afternoon. I will change it in the morning.
18:30, 15 May - W: It might leak into the following week depending on what day I fly on.
18:31, 15 May - T1000: Should be Ok, keep me updated.
18:31, 15 May - W: Thanks
18:32, 15 May - T1000: Your welcome.

I hoping that the lesson learnt today about insecurity, jealous and control will stick.
Time will tell what it has cost.

[T1000]

Thanks gm23

It's OK to be harsh with me, I need a good slapping from time to time.

Your right, if I had done that this morning I could have avoided all of this.

I'm planning on staying clear until she initiates.

Thanks again.

[AnotherStander]

Text:
[i]10:09, 15 May - W: Just double checking you are able to still have the kids for a week at the end of June?
10:28, 15 May - T1000: Sorry no I can't, not unless someone cancels a holiday.
10:31, 15 May - W: Seriously??? I booked that time slot with you months in advance
10:38, 15 May - T1000: You asked me. I never said I could do it.
10:38, 15 May - W: Erm....yes you did!!
10:53, 15 May - T1000: I said possibly the end of June.

You said "possibly the end of June" months ago, and haven't said anything since, and only NOW are canceling and your excuse is "I never said I could do it"? Seriously dude, man up. This is wimpy, whiny, silly, immature behavior. This has GOT TO STOP. Your W wants you to have your kids for a week, you STEP UP and say YES! Why? Because it's the right thing to do for YOU and YOUR KIDS. Who cares what W is doing that week? That is her business. Two weekends a month is really not enough time to bond with your kids, you should jump at every chance to spend more time with them.

When you asked me for the week off I was conflicted. I was confused over the whole valentines thing.
You told me you were moving on with your life and I should do the same.

Right, because after all, it's all about YOU! Really, your W doesn't care. She doesn't care how you feel, she doesn't care what you think, and she definitely doesn't want to be lectured about it. Change your phone screensaver to "STFU", maybe it'll help remind you of what to do instead of texting and leaving voicemails that are just damaging your sitch and driving your W away from you.

As time went on and the more I found out about things that were happening in April the more angry and resentful I became.
I thought why should I move my life around to suit you?
You never followed up and confirmed any plans. I didn't even know if you were still going.

[shakes head] Read everything you can on validation. Your communications with your W are almost the polar opposite of what they should be.

W: Just goes to prove that you went out of your way to be spiteful

I actually agree with her 100%.

13:06, 15 May - T1000: Cant you understand where I was 4 weeks ago!?!?

Dude, STOP IT!!!!! SHE DOESN'T CARE how you feel!!

I have changed and I will continue to grow, it takes time.

I think you're demonstrating to her that you have NOT changed. She doesn't want to hear you say you've changed, that means nothing to her. SHOW HER! As 25 says, "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in".

The annoying thing is that I'm dying to point out to her is that she is angry right now so she has cancelled next week.

Why do you think you need to point that out? She already told you that's why she canceled: "I'm just too angry to let you stay here so you will just have to make your own plans". Really, you have got to learn to STFU!

Her response and being totally unwilling to understand how I felt is very alarming.

Alarming? Really? Wait, let me check to make sure I'm still on the DB forums... yup. OF COURSE she's unwilling to understand how you feel, she's a WAS!!!!!! What is REALLY ALARMING is YOU are completely unable and/ or unwilling to understand how SHE feels! And listening, understanding and validating her feelings is a major supporting pillar of DB'ing!

The WAS is 0% willing to work on the M. The LBS therefore has to do 100% of the work. The WAS is 0% interested in the LBS's feelings. The LBS must therefore be 100% interested in the WAS's feelings, and must show that through fantastic listening and validating skills. Right now you are doing all of the talking and no listening. That to your W is "more of the same" behavior. This is an area that you need to do a 180 on, and it needs to start ASAP!