OK, so there are some clear "must haves" that you feel would be important, in order to move to the city. That is exactly what I was looking for. And... I really was not concerned about your W's "needs" or fantasy at this time.
Whether it is your W's fantasy, your kid's fantasy, or YOUR fantasy of what the value of moving to the city might bring... a move there should be based on some valuation that is fairly realistic. ie. Better job, better schooling, more cultural opportunity and value, better support...
Yes, sometimes a "leap of faith" can make great changes. That leap though, should be made AFTER due diligence of looking at real values.
RIGHT NOW, it does not seem like a move there would be valuable to you or your kids. Moving to the city can certainly be something that you continue to look at and a job offer for you would probably be number one on the MUST HAVE list, before you would move there. Or at least a significant amount of money socked away (rule of thumb would be three to six months of living expense in the city; enough time to successfully obtain a job).
I am sure you understand all of that. I'm just posting validation of that. Your W's fantasy is just that. A fantasy. Just as it would be a possible "dream" of yours to possibly move back there. Not yet real, but something to possibly work towards. Having a "leap of faith" right now is hugely risky and not something that should be taken lightly, especially as a responsible parent who needs to worry about the well being of the kids.
It is unfortunate that the schedule for your D's volleyball games has interfered with your date night plans. I have to agree with your W thought regarding your line of thought being unfair to your W. While your M is important and your D might have been OK with the two of you not being at the games, it does appear that you really were asking your W to choose between you and your D.
Right now your W's priority is likely not on the M. So the only thing that might have swayed her mind would have been if the night out was MORE important than being at your D's game.
You will have to work through your disappointment. It does svck, for sure. How could this all have worked out differently?
And... I really was not concerned about your W's "needs" or fantasy at this time.