Thanks snodderly.... yes it did hurt to see his car there.. but unfortunately I am use to it... (well as use to it as I can be)we live in a small town.. so even thou I don't see it very often.. friends have a need to tell me about it from time to time.
I just need to go dimmer.. back away.. because things like this still hurt me I am not detached enough.. still way to affected by the person she has become.. in a weird way it's comforting to know she is doing typical MLC stuff.. it's easier to follow what might happen next as she moves on with her life.... just doesn't hurt any less.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Actions will. Words may be deceitful but deeds don't lie. Your road to possibly getting back into her heart is through her eyes, NOT her ears.
Good luck, Negril, I've got a lot of faith in you.
So what does this mean? how can you show someone your unconditional love and that I have changed without ever seeing her? or do you mean my actions of letting her go? giving her space but doing it without the arguing and pressure?
I think what P4L is saying is, no matter what you say in words there is no proof to her that they are not just words. Think of politics and elections. How many times do you really believe what you are being told before an election, just to win your vote. Half the time you never see them stick to their word. Now if they actually did what they said rather than just telling you, then you would start to believe in them, and think they really meant what they said. Maybe this is not a good analogy, but basically what ever you want to show or change, do it, don't just say it.
As for W not seeing changes. Well this is where its important that the changes are for you, not her. If they are for you, you will become a better, stronger, more positive person. Not only will you know this, other people will notice - people that may pass this onto your W, and when you do see your W you will not have to try and prove anything, because you will be a changed person, and she will notice this. She has lived with you for years, so she will know with minutes of seeing you that something has changed and she will be curious.
I know what you are going through, its tough, and no matter how much you think you are detached something will always catch off guard until you are fully detached.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Thanks 2.4.... I have been doing my best to improve myself.. I know she has already heard of how good of shape I am in (lost 30lbs..even have a 6 pack) she txted saying that she heard I was in really good shape and that I must look really good. So yes word does get back to her. I still kind of panic a bit when I run into someone she knows.. get the shakes a little.. cracks in my voice.. it's like the last 6 months come back and hit me all at once... and it's not even her! I cant' imagine when I actually get to see her what I am going to do.. she has done very good by avoiding me... which is fine.. I respect that she can't face me right now.... she even said she couldn't bring herself to see me. I have heard this is normal.. So I am trying not to panic that I have only seen her like twice for 30 secs in the last 4.5 months..... and to be honest I am almost glad in a way... I could not have detached even this much... this fast by seeing her more than that.. and we all know the faster someone can detach and let their spouse go.... the better it is for everyone involved.. I can begin to heal and move on with my life.. and she can move on thru her journey without my external pressure. I hate every second of it and miss her like crazy, but this NEEDS to be done.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Just a quick conversation I had with my W last night... I posted the txt below.. did I respond correctly? do I offer more help? or to talk???? do I express any feelings towards her? even that I miss her? When/how do I express to her that I forgive her for the affair? or should I even bother at this point since the OM is still around in her life... even thou she doesn't seem happy? it's only been 6 months.. I don't want to push her further away.. sorry for the 20 questions.
M: Hey your mail is there now....so nice out.. Btw your yard looks really good..you got that place looking cozy..
W: Thanks sorry I missed ya. The grass is long but ya it looks ok.
M: No worries...Britt is there anyways..you should have put the dogs out..I could have said hi to them.
Happy to hear things are going good for you and that the job it's working out
W: It's not really working out. It's hard heavy work. I am too old to be doing it but I have no choice. I hate my life anymore.
M: Well your not too old...but I do believe it's hard work...no matter what age you are..I probably couldn't do it every day...sorry your going thru this....
You been feeling better lately?
W: No not really hbu? How are things with you? How is work?
M: I don't know..Things have been picking up....starting to have more good days than bad I guess..but still feel a little off. Work is good...still a little slow...but enjoying being home early everyday..feels like I am working half days
Hbu?..what do you feel like?
W: The same, I feel really lonely and scared sometimes. Like u said lost and in a fog.
M: I understand...you have been thru a lot...:(...for what it's worth..I am her if there is anything I can do....
You the strongest woman I know...you can and will figure it out....
W: I suppose and so will you. I am just tired I think. I never have time to sit, always work to be done.
Allergies aren't too bad yet. Starting now with the dandelions.
I am going to bed I am so tired. It was nice talking to u
Maybe we can chat tomorrow again
M: Glad your allergies aren't too bad yet....Hope you have a great sleep...as your dad would say"sleep fast"..haha
Sure I would like that...txt me tomorrow.....:)...good night.
W: Ok lol good nite
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Temperature checking???? My W asked me to come over to her place tonight... and this will be the first time seeing her in 5 months.... We have talked on the phone a few times.. but mainly it's been txting...... I asked her a month ago about seeing my dogs that I haven't seen since she moved out... Even thou I had offered a mutal friend to come and get the dogs so that I could see them.. she asked me if I would like to come to her place?? I am very nervous about this. even though I feel about 80 to 90% detached at this point.. I haven't really had the chance to test how detached I am because I haven't had to see her. I am afraid that everything will come rushing back all at once... She also txted how she misses our good times together.... so again I am not sure if she is just testing the waters with me or not?? As far as I know she is still very much involved with the OM but I don't know for sure. Any advice??
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I would go and stay calm. Treat her like you would a friend you've not seen in a while. No expectations and definitely no relationship talks unless she brings it up. Have fun w/the pups.
One last thing...follow her lead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When/how do I express to her that I forgive her for the affair?
I would say definitely not yet. I have two questions about this. 1. Has she apologized? 2. Has she asked for forgiveness?
If the answers here are "no", then its not time yet.
Be careful at your reunion. It sounds like you might have some expectations bubbling up. This is just a dog visit, not a R talk. Keep it light, short and sweet. Leave before you want to, and definitely before she wants you to.
Keep your composure, show off your 180's and GALs as best you can. Listen to her, empathize and express confidence in her. (Google "empathic listening" if you get a chance, it will give you some great ideas.)
Good luck Negril
Let us know how it goes!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thanks snodderly.... I will do my best... first really test of my validating skills.. I am sure I mess up a little here and there.. but I am going to do my best to keep my confidence up high.. I know what to do after months and months of reading.... just not sure I will pull this off..
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I would say definitely not yet. I have two questions about this. 1. Has she apologized? 2. Has she asked for forgiveness?
If the answers here are "no", then its not time yet.
Be careful at your reunion. It sounds like you might have some expectations bubbling up. This is just a dog visit, not a R talk. Keep it light, short and sweet. Leave before you want to, and definitely before she wants you to.
Keep your composure, show off your 180's and GALs as best you can. Listen to her, empathize and express confidence in her. (Google "empathic listening" if you get a chance, it will give you some great ideas.)
no she hasn't said sorry or asked for forgiveness.... So I will make sure I wait for one or both of those things to happen...
Yes maybe because it's the first time seeing her my expectations are too high.. I will work on taking it down a few notches before I go tonight. Part of me believes she will cancel or forget about it.. all part of the MLC scatter brain thing..
I will google empathic listening right now.. I know I could use a few lessons in it.
I will update for sure..
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Just want to add, any compliments should be delivered as though you are giving them to your sister, or best friends W, or a co-worker....
Focus on the dogs! They are why you are there as far as you are concerned..
BE the new you, strong, confident, ...but a little distant, but available for some empathetic listening...a little "Cool Hand Luke"...no pleady eyes, lost puppy stuff, etc...
Good luck, you got this... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
and that the job it's working out
